#mate I was jumping up and down reading this myself lol

[silvermeww]

omg i just about jumped for joy when i realized your back... i was missing having you as a consistent part of my dash!

OMG NO SERIOUSLY??? I can’t believe that someone would think of me as a staple of their dash arghhh the feels!!!!! :’D <3333 Thank you so so much for the love, I’m happy to be back whenever I can (and having a good time with everyone) and I’m happy to have you too heh :3

[shadowdaddies]

May I humbly request another Eris x reader? Autumn's Eden was so sweet and I had read it a countless amount of times already. Still with the secret mate element and something abou how she is a cat person and Eris is evidently a dog person with cat person energy

ahh I'm so glad you liked it!! 💜 lol as a dog person with cat person energy myself, I really feel Eris here

Bramble

Eris x Reader fluff

It was by the edge of the woods, far away from the Forest House, that you were meeting your mate in secret for time together when you were almost discovered. Eris had winnowed you to a place that was far from everyone else, where the two of you could be yourselves without anyone finding you. It was a high risk any time that you met with Eris - the both of you knew the dangers if his father or brothers discovered you, because you would not be an approved wife for him. But Eris was your mate, and it was worth any risk to be able to spend time with him, the other half of your soul.

It was a perfect afternoon, the sun shining through the crisp Autumn breeze creating the perfect weather for a picnic together. Eris had made his way on top of you, the sexual tension between you two escalating when he suddenly looked up, scanning the tree line. You could hear his brothers in the distance, apparently on a hunt as the sounds of their horses’ hooves approached you at an alarming rate. 

Eris was able to winnow you away just in time, burning anything you touched to eliminate your scent. After that scare, you decided that you needed to stay away from Eris as well as busier places in town for awhile until any possible suspicions died down.

After two weeks passed, you found yourself lonely. You were missing your mate, and needed someone to keep you company while you were forced to keep your distance from him. One day while buying groceries in the square, you discovered a black and white kitten trailing you down the street. Stopping at a cart to buy some fruit, you giggled at the feeling of the kitten winding its way through your legs, purring as it looked up at you.

You maneuvered your way out of the kitten’s hold, heading back to your apartment when you heard a small “meow,” and turned to see the kitten still at your heels. You bent down to pet it, heart melting at how it purred and pushed its head further into your hand. You grabbed a blackberry from your grocery basket, holding it out to the kitten. The animal sniffed it tentatively before chomping the fruit aggressively, nicking your finger in the process. “You’re a hungry thing, aren’t you?” you asked the cat as you watched it rub against your ankle, meowing for more food. Holding out another blackberry - more careful to avoid being bitten this time - you watched the kitten devour the fruit. “I bet you could eat a whole bramble of berries.”

~~~

It was about a month later when you came home, growing concerned when you didn’t see your cat, Bramble, come up to greet you as she usually did. Setting down your bags, you cautiously called out, “Bramble?” Peering around the corner, you nearly wept with relief as you took in the sight of Bramble curled around Eris’s neck, purring as she licked his ear. Eris’s lip curled at the cat’s show of affection, leaning away from the animal as he looked to you. You giggled at his expression - an attempt to appear annoyed by Bramble - but the mirthful look in his eyes proved otherwise. 

You practically ran to him, carefully lifting Bramble from where she rested on Eris’s shoulders and setting her down as he pulled you in for a kiss. You could feel the passion from him, so many words unspoken as you were finally reunited with your love. Eris pulled back, his forehead resting against yours as silver lined his eyes. “I’ve missed you so much, my dearest love.” You sniffled, twining your fingers in his brilliant red hair as you held him as close as you possibly could, listening to the sound of his heartbeat.

Bramble chose that moment to jump on Eris’s leg, her claws digging into his skin drawing a hiss from him as he looked down at her and sighed. He brushed your hair behind your ear, pressing a kiss to your nose as he teased, “you couldn’t have gotten a dog?”

[tervaneula]

Immediately dropping into your ask box like a nuke!!

TERV!! I GOTTA FUCKING FIND YOU AND HUG YOU TIGHTLY WITH PLATONIC KISSES BECAUSE THIS FIC HAD IMMEDIATELY CAGED MY HEART!!!

What i thought it would be a smoll thing like "oh i just met you, and now i miss you~" had turned into a fucking drama real quick!

Coming into the fic and get slapped by the art of what Leo looks like - i know what he look like am just eating the new piece of art you just made, don't judge/lh/t - and GOD he's so handsome~ Am like that one meme where i bite your piece of art AND the fic like an unhinged dog and go

JUST FROM HOW EXCITED I AM!! I NEED TO STOP TO CALM MYSELF SO I CAN CONTINUE READING YOUR FIC AND AM JUST "UGGHHH JUST CALM DOWN ALREADY!! BUT I CAN'T AM JUST SO HAPPY!!!!" That's how i feel each time am reading your fic or seeing a new piece of art you're dropping!!

But not getting side track - lol - I dropped in and am ready to sucker-punch the vendors because BITCH don't be rude to my baby turtle! Poor one begin a very good boy and brother and bringing in the orange to his orange brother *ba-dum-dss* (get it? No? Okay i'll see myself out/jk)

Am surprise he haven't described the village as monkeys - no disrespect to the monkeys i just remembered when a punch of people snickering a lot they sound like one, kinda a fun fact lol - because they're making a lot of sounds. But for once, they've done a good thing as they pointed out where's Leo's spul mate is

Poor one must be really tired and exhausted because when he heard commotion, he did hoped he could solve it to earn the village's respect, he just wants him and hus family to feel welcomed and not be bothered by anybody. (Gosh can imagine my baby Raph begin emotionally upset and Mikey jump to be Dr. D.T on them 🥺)

And i love how you described him as it already peaked Leo's interest, imagine how the turtle would laugh so hard from knowing how the rabbit gotten his scars and Leo asking him through tears of laughter "for real??"

When you mentioned the part where the rumors are mentioned about him only one scare the children, i thought "what if they found a lost child and took care of them before returning them home and they saw how the other is just so great at begin a parent?" Like this's the type of boxes that would check a great parent

But when they were about to fight i hated how the villagers are begin so crule like "best case scenario-" like can i bitch slap this person?! This's just so rude! And it broke my heart watching usagi flinch from the cuss and threat, like he's a baby boy, idk why he's wondering outside but he doesn't deserve all this hate 🥺😢

And when he dmanded for a fight i felt like "wait, is he like giving up?" Because i could be wrong but there's 2 reasons why he asked for a right: 1- the vendors refused to sell him no matter what because he's a stranger with a bad reputation. 2- maybe because he doesn't want to steal, he asked for a fight with the oranges as a reward for the winner. Because if he won it won't be a crime of stealing, right?

And i can't help that he had been treated like this for a while from village to a village. 😭

Just when they're about to fight that dart got me confused, is it a 3rd party whose evil? Nope- well.. Kinda? It's the weird one, i laughed when i figured it was Donnie 😂 like he is weird!

But it got me surprised because i thought you meant the teenage Donnie not the big one, but when i read their names as full name i thought 'is this the adult ver? Will tell little them be involved?' Tho i don't think so.

But OHH I WANT TO PUNCH HIM SO BAD!! What do you mean OVERDOSE?! For a smart one, you don't have a brain to think, what if he have bad rumors like you guys?! But i guess this's the curse of knowing something the characters don't know, AAAAGGHHH am about to punch him!!/hj

Leo carrying the unconscious bunny, i felt it's a call back to your very first fic about nqk and usagi meeting first, remember how Leonardo was knocked out like a potato and usagi carried him like a princess? LEO'S DOING THE SAME!! 🥰😍😭 AHHHH I CAN JUST IMAGINE IT IN MY HEAD!!

AND DONNIE IS GETTING THAT SCOLDING FOR ALMOST KILLING A BUNNY!

Ahhh the end where Leo would admit it may be bad to take care of a stranger but won't admit he's in love it's like that one song "i won't say am in love" 😭😭

👆 you dropping into my askbox

IF YOU FIND ME YOU CAN HUG ME TIGHTLY WITH PLATONIC KISSES ANYTIME AHHAHJHAJH I'm so so so glad you enjoyed this (and thought that Leonardo is handsome in the art) >8D<3333

I'm very head empty rn and I'm so sorry this reply is so short but just know that EVERY SINGLE THOUGHT OF YOURS is so good and I was just nodding along as I read the ask 🙏🙏🙏 I made the villagers purposefully really mean because this is supposed to be an ~edgy~ AU but goddang they're AWFUL. 😂

That taking care of a lost child bit though! OUAUHHGGHGFh,,,, I imagined that scenario and fell over in tears /pos /aff

But yeah there are no teen turtles in this one, and Donatello is. Well. I mentioned in NQK that wartime Donatello had his "special brand of ethics" and this version of him is not much different XD

"Leo carrying the unconscious bunny, i felt it's a call back" IT WAS A CALLBACK HEHEHEHEHE I'M SO HAPPY YOU CAUGHT THAT

GOSH ANYWAYYYY thank you again for putting this AU into my little head and for reading the chapter and commenting and ahhghgd you're amazing!!!!!! Also the second chapter will get posted very soon heehee hoohoo <3

[bubblegump-1-nk]

As She Walks By pt. 2

summary: Theodore and you are just best friends (or not), but when he finally hooks up with the Hufflepuff girl who’s had a crush on him for years, things may start to change

- based off of the song Heather by Conan Gray (a little bit), set in three perspectives: yours, Theos, and the Hufflepuff girl (an OC I called Althenea Circ). I made you a Gryffindor but if you want to change your house just imagine whatever house I want. You’re also kind of a home-wrecker (respect people’s relationships please lol) in this so..

- warnings: insecurity, angst, not really cheating but idk, typos probably, cussing, toxic relationships, time skips (?) - (these warnings apply to the upcoming parts as well, so you might not see some of them in some of the parts, if that makes sense) I think that’s all but tell me if you find anything else pls!

-your POV-

My mouth dried up, and suddenly I felt like I was trapped in a little box.

“Y/n?” Cho asked. She had just told you about the interaction she had overheard. Althenea Circ had asked Theo to Hogsmeade and he said yes. What was wrong with me? Why do I care? Why should I care? I snogged Dean Thomas yesterday, god why am I such a hypocrite.

“Y/n? Are you ok?” Cho asked again, interrupting my thoughts.

“Er, uh, yeah, sorry Cho.”

“It’s ok. I just thought I should tell you because, you know, Theo’s your friend.” She said, emphasizing the word ‘friend’ in a weird way. Somehow insinuating we weren’t just friends.

“Yeah, thank you. I’m going to go finish my potions essay now, but, er, I’ll see you later.” I said, quickly getting up from the library table.

“Oh, um, ok? Why not just stay in the library.” She said, giggling at my silly antics.

“Oh, I just have to grab some supplies is all.” I said, stacking my papers crudely just so I could get out quickly.

We said our goodbyes and I was quickly walking down the corridor, hoping to find an empty bathroom. I turned the corridor quickly and entered the girls lavatory and quickly locked myself in the stall.

What was wrong with me? Why did I care? Shouldn’t I be happy for Theo, and Althenea who’s practically been in love with him since forever. Why was I suddenly so possessive. None of his other flings have made me feel this way. I was being unfair. I snog whoever I want, he can do the same, right?

-Althenea’s POV-

I was getting ready in my dorm, my best friend Wesley was helping me get ready for my date with Theodore Nott. THE Theodore Nott. I seriously could not believe it.

“And his arms were around my waist, and god- he is such a good kisser.” I gushed to my friend, who was curling my hair.

“I know. I seriously could not believe it when he came up to you. I mean I’d always thought him and y/n were going to end up together.”

A sour taste entered my mouth and I fell silent - y/n. Oh Merlin how I hated her.

“Yeah,” I said with a fake laugh. “She’s nice.” I said, because she really was. One time in fourth year she helped me with my Charms Essay. But oh god how I hated her.

“Her and Theo are always together. Honestly you’d think they were soulmates!” Said Wesley.

“Ok, I get it. You think they belong together. Whatever.” I said, frustrated with my friend.

“Oh Merlin- I’m sorry A, I didn’t even realize what I was saying.” She said, suddenly realizing what she was really saying and who she was really saying it to.

“Don’t worry, I get it. I mean she is perfect” I said quietly, looking down.

“Oh come on Althenea. You know I didn’t mean it like that. Plus, you’re the one going out with him.” She said, squeezing my shoulder lightly.

“Exactly!” I said, happily.

-Theo’s POV-

I was sitting in my comfy bed, reading my good book, in my comfy sweater when Blaise interrupted me.

“Oi mate you’re still here? I thought you were supposed to go out with that, uh, Athena girl?” He said, forgetting her name.

“Holy shit!” I yelled, practically jumping out from under the covers.

“I totally forgot about that.” I said, rushing to the mirror to check how I looked.

I was wearing my quidditch sweater and some black sweatpants - that should be good for the date right? Well whatever, it’s not like I cared anyway.

“Thanks for reminding me, I guess.” I said, adding the last part as I ran out the door.

I rushed to the Hufflepuff common room, that’s what house she was in right? As I was running I bumped harshly into someone, causing them to fall backwards. I looked down and saw her, Althenea. Looking rather… mediocre.

“Oh god, I’m so sorry.” I said, helping her up.

“Oh don’t worry about it really. It’s sort of funny!” She said.

“Er, yeah, I guess so.” I said, scratching the back of my neck.

“Well, are you ready? I was thinking the Three Broomsticks, of course, but if you don’t like that than we could of course-“

I cut off her rambling, her stupid rambling, by saying “Three Broomsticks is fine.”

-At the pub-

“…and then I said that we should have trolls in the bathroom!” Althenea said, telling me a story I was trying so hard to be focused on.

I let out a dry chuckle before saying, “Do you want anything else?” Nodding my head down to her empty plate of food.

“Oh, no thank you! It was really nice of you to pay, you know.” She said, beaming.

“Er, yeah, it was no problem.”

We were silent for a minute or two before I said, “well, it’s getting sort of late and I have to finish up some homework.”

“Oh, yeah of course! Me too. I cant keep putting off those essays!” She said, giggling. She didn’t even think it was weird that I had said it ‘was late’ at 3 in the afternoon.

We finished up at the table and started to walk back, Althenea walking a little too close to me.

“So… what homework do you have to work on?” She asked, trying to fill the void of silence.

“Er, potions and transfigurations.” I said, saying the first two subjects I could think of.

“Me too! Maybe we could work on them together?” She asked, overly exited.

“Oh, well, um, I usually do my homework alone, sorry.” I responded, looking down at her.

“Oh, yeah, how stupid of me!” She said, lightly slapping her forehead.

Before I knew it we were back at the castle and we parted ways, not before she kissed me on the cheek. She skipped away after her lips left my side, and I just stood there dumbstruck. You know, maybe this wouldn’t be so bad. I could finally get my mind off of you, someone I could never have, and Althenea wasn’t all that bad really.

-your POV-

“I’m done with him. Really.” I told Hermione, adding the last part after she gave me a strange look.

“We’re just friends. This jealousy is just forming out of something possessive, nothing else. It’s not fair of me to do that to him. Plus, she seems like a nice girl.” I continued, ranting to Hermione.

“I’m glad. The quicker you get over this the easier your life will get.” She responded.

“Exactly! I don’t want anything weird going on in our friendship and this new relationship will not be the end of Theo and I’s lifelong friendship.” I said.

-At Dinner-

“I still can’t believe it. Theodore Nott with that Hufflepuff, it just doesn’t fit.” Said Ron, loading his already overflowing plate with more food.

Theodore Nott and Althenea Circ’s date had been the talk of the night, already having been spread around all of Hogwarts.

“Did he say anything to you y/n?” Harry asked, pouring me more pumpkin juice after he noticed that I had finished my cup.

“Thank you, and, er, no. We didn’t really talk about it. You know, now that I think of it, we haven’t talked since the party.” I said, remembering my last conversation with Teddy.

“Interesting.” Said Ron, taking a bite out of his Shepard’s pie.

“It really isn’t. Nothings going on, we’ve just been busy.” I responded, aggravated by his comment.

“I’m sure you’re right, y/n. There’s nothing wrong.” Hermione said, reassuring me.

“Thanks ‘minoe.” I said, sending her a smile.

“Why don’t you go talk to him bow. Go over there and tell them all about what we heard Snape talking about.” Said Harry, trying to help me out.

“Good idea! I’ll go do it now, just to make sure there’s no tension or anything.” I said, getting up from the Gryffindor table to go tell the Slytherins about Snape saying he had always thought Sirius Black was cute.

As I began walking over to the Slytherin table, I noticed a pair of eyes on me. I turned and saw Althenea glaring at me from her table. Suddenly, she got up, and walked very quickly over to the Slytherin’s table, and sat down right next to Theo.

I stood their shocked, surely she didn’t think of me as competition right? The Slytherin friend group looked uncomfortable, but no one looked more uncomfortable than Theo. He looked around, wondering what made Circ think she could come sit with them. I saw his eyes go to the Gryffindor table, to look for me. When he didn’t find them, he looked away, but he quickly locked eyes with mine after another quick scan of the room. He sent me a smile, and a small ‘help’.

I smiled back, and began walking towards their table after my delay. I wasn’t going to let some insecure bitch ruin my friendships.

“Y/n! Thank god.” Said Mattheo, eyes darting to the Hufflepuff quickly.

“Hey guys. You won’t believe what I heard.” I said.

Theo subtly pushed Althenea away, making room for me next to him. But I wasn’t going to be that girl. So, instead I sat next to Draco. Theo looked at me confused, and I whispered just loud enough for him to hear “the Hufflepuff.” He nodded his understanding but looked sad anyway.

“Ok well tell us!” Said Pansy, reaching over the table to play with my rings.

“Well, Harry, Ron, Hermione, and I were walking down the corridor when we heard Snape talking to Mcgonagall. So, obviously we eavesdropped on their conversation and Snape said ‘you know, Sirius Black was always cute. I think that’s why I hated him.’”

The group burst out laughing, all except for Althenea.

“Sirius Black? Like the murderer?” She asked, confused as to why we were all amused.

The group all knew Sirius was innocent, but I couldn’t spill information like that to Althenea, not without Harry’s permission.

“Er, yeah. But they went to school together before he was a murderer.” I explained, causing her to lightly smile to try to fit into the group.

“Ok well, I’ll be going now.” I said getting up, sending Pansy a face that she laughed at before I got up.

“Wait,” Theo said, grabbing my forearm. “Meet me in the astronomy tower later?” He asked, eyes filled with want.

“9:00, don’t be late, Nott.” I said, which he smiled at, before I walked away.

-Theo’s POV-

I stood on the tower at 8:57 PM. I leaned down on the railing, staring out onto the beautiful night sky. The wind ruffled my hair, and I noticed a strong scent of firewood. Suddenly I heard your footsteps, and your sweet perfume filled my nose.

“Hello stranger.” You said, walking up behind me.

I turned around and took a good look at your face. The moon light made you look even more ethereal than I had ever seen you, and I had no idea that was even possible.

“Stop looking at me like that.” You said, turning away from me as you leaned your arms against the railing and looked out at the view.

“Like what?” I asked.

“You know how, Teddy.”

The nickname made my heart swell up, and I didn’t have it in me to fake hating it. I was locked in your trance before you spoke again.

“Plus, I don’t think your girlfriend would be too happy about it.”

“She’s not my girlfriend!” I said, it came out angrier than I expected.

You let out a small laugh before saying, “I like her. She’s good to you.”

She’s not as good as you, is what I wanted to say, but I couldn’t.

“Yeah, I guess she is.” Is what I ended up saying instead.

We were both now leaning on the railing, looking out at Hogwarts’ vast territory, our shoulders leaning against each other.

“She’s really pretty too, and she’s sweet.” You said, your sweet voice ringing in my ears.

“Sounds like someone’s jealous.” I said, chuckling.

“What?” You said, turning to be swiftly, your eyes wide.

“Oh, uh, I only meant that you seem jealous that I’m with her. Because you talk so nicely of her. Like you want her to yourself.” I said, struggling to find an explanation.

“Oh,” you said, you’re demeanor becoming calm again. “You got me there Nott. I’m head over heels for your girl.” You said, giggling, which only made me laugh.

We stood there, laughing like some idiots as we stared out at the beautiful world.

The laughing stopped and you spoke again, “look what I brought.” You said, pulling something out of your pocket.

“Cauldron Cakes! You’re the best, you know that?” I said, grabbing the one you handed me.

We sat down with our backs leaning against the wall, eating our cauldron cakes and talking about everything and nothing. That’s the thing about you, no matter if we were talking about the recent quidditch match or ancient runes for fucks sake, it was never boring, not with you.

The wind was blowing, and I felt you shiver from under my arm.

“Here, have my sweater.” I said, lifting my arm up off your shoulder to take my quidditch sweater off.

“Oh thank you, Theo.” You said, grabbing my sweater and putting it on.

You looked so cute engulfed in my large sweater, with my last name sprawled on the back of it.

“I’ll give it back to you someday.” You said, and I hoped you never gave it back so that everyone would know you were mine. Except your not.

-Altheneas POV (a week later)-

Theo and I have been… dating(?) for a week now. I didn’t know what to call it. He hadn’t asked me out yet, but we’ve been going out on dates, and I’ve spent two nights under him already. He was starting to let me hold his hand more, but he kept saying public affection wasn’t really his thing. Except that, it always had been. Theodore Nott was known for being a softie when it came to his girlfriends, especially when it came to his girl-friend y/n. But people change, right?

Wesley has been reassuring me, but my other friend Quincy keeps telling me to get away from him. I don’t care though, Theo is mine now. For the most part.

“Hey, can you pass me your notes?” Whispered Quincy, taking me out of my thoughts.

“Oh, yeah, sure.” I said, sliding them over, trying to focus on the lesson.

“You’re the best.” She whispered back, sending me a smile.

…

Class ended after what felt like hours and it was finally time for lunch. Quincy and I met up with Wesley before we began walking to the Dining Hall.

“Yeah, and I heard that Avanore and Seamus hooked up.” Said Wesley.

“Avanore Dorian? Isn’t she dating Hermes?” I asked, shocked at the news.

“You bet she is. And if it’s true Seamus is in for one hell of a beating.” She responded.

Suddenly, Quincy stopped, holding both of their arms out to stop Wes and I.

“What?” I said, exasperated.

“Um..” She said.

Wesley and I looked around, trying to find the reason for Quincy’s abruptness. Wesley found it first.

“Oh my.. Are you still with Theo, A?” She asked, mouth agape.

I suddenly became very nervous, “yeah.” I said, worried.

“Look. At. That.” Wesley said, pointing to someone.

I followed her finger and when I found the object of her pointing my mouth fell open.

It was you, y/n l/n, wearing my boy’s quidditch sweater. His name sprawled out boldly on the back. How could you be walking to lunch, chatting and laughing with your friend so calmly knowing that you’re wearing another girl’s boyfriend’s sweater.

“Move please.” Said a voice, belonging to Pansy Parkinson, as she pushed past my stopped figure.

“Y/n, Hermione, wait up!” She said, causing you two to stop and wait for her.

“I like the sweater.” She said, sending you a wink.

“I know right!” Responded Hermione, giving you a playful nudge on the shoulder.

“Guys, it’s just friendly! Plus he’s with that other girl.” You said.

I couldn’t believe it. ‘That other girl’?? Seriously?? You couldn’t even say my name. I seriously couldn’t believe it. My eyes began to well up with tears.

“I’m not so hungry anymore.” Said Quincy.

“Me neither.” Said Wesley.

-your POV (later that night)-

I walked into the library, looking for Althenea.

I felt bad for what happened today, I didn’t realize it would be such a big deal. I mean, everyone knew Theo and I were best friends, and it wasn’t uncommon for me to wear his clothes. But after Hannah Abbot told me that I had made you sob, I felt terrible. And I was on a mission to find you.

I spotted you sitting in the back, with your friends Quincy and Wesley.

I walked over to your table, and cleared my throat. The girls looked up at me: Quincy was sending me a death stare, Wesley had a pathetic attempt at a glare, and you couldn’t even look me in the eye.

“Is this seat open?” I asked, pointing to the empty seat at the table.

Quincy began to say no, covering the seat with her hand but you spoke up, “yeah. It is.”

The two other girls were shocked, sending her looks of ‘are you sure??’ Which she nodded to.

“Thanks.” I said, sitting down.

We sat in silence for a few beats before I finally said, “look I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for you to feel insecure or anything. I’m not trying to take Teddy from you, definitely not. He’s all yours. We’re just best friends, and we have been since forever, but it’s not like that. I was only wearing his sweater because he gave it to me at the astronomy tower a week ago and it was the first thing I grabbed since I was late for class today. And trust me, you have nothing to worry about. You’re beautiful, and smart, everything Theo likes. So, really, I am sorry. But believe me when I say it was a misunderstanding. So… here.” I said, taking the sweater off and handing it to you. The three girls looked at me surprised, but I quickly got up before they could say anything.

“Thank you!” You called out as I was leaving the library, and I sent you a thumbs up as I walked out the door.

I hate being this part but it’s getting soo long so part 3 (hopefully I can write it quickly :))

[emeritus-fuckers]

Howdy hey I'm interested in trying the match-up event. I always enjoy reading the things y'all've written.

Apologies in advance if this is a mess. 1. Identity: I am nonbinary, use they/them and she/her pronouns. I'm bisexual and a bit on the demisexual side.

2. Who I like: I'm cool with either the papas or ghouls

3. What I look like: I'm 5'8" and chubby. I'm pretty strong and got some muscle so I'm built perfect for giving big hugs and cuddles (though it'll take a bit of convincing to get me cuddly). At the moment my hair is dyed bright red but it changes colors often. Both my eyes have sectoral heterochromia and are green with a bright blue chunk. I usually wear all black graphic tees, skinny jeans, boots, and fun colored socks that often show because i never find pants that are long enough in my size lol.

4. My personality: I am introverted but enjoy being around others even if it wears me out. I'm good with kids (I'm a human jungle gym at this point) and people tend to tell me their secrets and find it easy to be open/themselves around me. I'd say i'm pretty smart but I will do stupid things just because i'm curious. Folks i'm comfortable around will never hear the end of my current interests and I'm a complete goofball (I've been banned from being funny at the table because i've caused too many people to choke laughing oops). It takes a while to actually get to know me deeply because I keep things close to my chest and dont open up easily. I've got a lot of anxiety and some baggage that I keep hidden but I'm working on I swear. I can get really competitive over trivial things and can turn anything into a game. I sometimes go MIA when im distracted with whatever the hell i'm into at that time but when I reappear there's always something new to share. (I can tell you everything you never wanted to know about pipe organs!)

5. Interests: I've got the adhd so my interests bounce around a lot. I like making things and I mess around with a lot with different crafts. I do a lot of fiber arts stuff and I've also recently been whittling bears (I have a few around somewhere). I love music both listening and playing it. I play 8 instruments (violin, viola, cello, mandolin, ukulele, trumpet, trombone, and french horn) but I'm best with the violin because i've been playing it for around 17 years. I'm also teaching myself accordion and guitar. I play video games sometimes and I especially enjoy getting 100% completion. In general I love learning anything and everything and am a "jack of many trades but master of none"

6.Trivia: My favorite movie is fantasia 2000 and recently I completed my goal of performing every music piece in an orchestra (The Pines of Rome and the Firebird Suite are my favs). I collect knickknacks and random things I find and use them to decorate my spaces and I have a skeleton with a mustache in a wizard costume in the back seat of my car and its name is Todd. I also keep googly eyes in my bag just in case

This post is part of the 1000 followers match up event. Entries for the event are now closed.

Your match is...Swiss

You and Swiss quickly became friends, he's so excited by things and so enthusiastic that you got swept up in it all. He's charming and really sweet to you, so you started to fall for him. One day you were sitting outside, Swiss taking a large drag of his vape before he looks at you and grins. "I love ya, you know that right gorgeous one?" You blush and blurt out that you feel the same way. Swiss responds by biting your shoulder just under the collar of your t-shirt. "There now it's offical" he says so excited he's practically jumping up and down "you're my mate!"

Swiss adores your eyes, he thinks they are the most awesome thing ever, and so beautiful. He tells you this a lot.

Swiss adores how much of a goofball you are, he is too, and you spend a lot of time together both laughing so hard you end up tearing up.

If your anxeity is getting bad he will cuddle and do anythig he can to help. If things get too much and you seem sad he'll hold you. He will cuddle you as long as you need. Then he'll try and take your mind off things, anything to get you to laugh a little and smile. Swiss is chaos personified but one thing is constant for him, he loves you and is devoted to you.

Swiss can keep up with your changing interestests. Infact he loves it! This Ghoul enjoys chaos and jumping around from thing to thing, that keeps him occupied. Whatever you get into he'll throw himself into it completely with you.

He is fascinated by all the things you collect. He loves how varied they are and the skeleton with a moutache is his favourite. He was very excited when you whittled him a bear. You handed it to him and he just looked at it like 'woow this is awesome'. he keeps it in his room, pride of place.

He's more than happy to help you learn guitar, he gets so excited his tail starts swishing around. He passes you his guitar and sits behind you legs either side of you showing you a cord and then letting you practice. He'll kiss your neck or softly bite your shoulder every now and then. He'll rest his chin on your shoulder and watches. He smiles at how fast you are learning, his smile is gorgeous enough to make your heart melt for him, to forget completely what you were playing and you just smile back. Often this leads to you getting so distracted the guitar gets forgotten as he presses his lips to yours.

~

Written by Nyx

[laugh-of-the-medusa]

what in the fucking scripted loss is kai leng on thessia. dude’s barrier’s could not even survive two hits with my claymore (literally, on insanity with a nearly full strength Vanguard Shepard — all it took was for me to let Javik and Liara line up their biotic attacks, jump back, charge and nova, shotgun to the face, reload, repeat without the squad mate attack, and he’s down to recharge and let his ship deal the brunt of the damage against Shepard— which is moot if I time my last charge right so I can run to cover quick enough the lights on the ship doesn’t stagger me)

I haven’t spoiled myself on my Kai Leng is hated by the game’s fans (though I’m beginning to understand why) but for a guy with such a nice design (as long as he doesn’t speak lol) HE IS SO UNDER UTILIZED

buT yoU GOTtA REad thE OTHer MEDIa

Nah, dude. If you can’t make a character good enough contained in a specific media without digging for paratext, you didn’t set up or write your character well enough. IT’S BAD ENOUGH DUDE NEARLY GOT BESTED BY THANE NEARLY ON HIS DEATHBED.

such piss poor writing

(I’m convinced Kai Leng’s only purpose for dealing that defeat on Thessia is make Shepard lose a little bit of morale after brokering peace between two long standing wars, getting the Krogans to help the turians, fast tracking the Quarians settling into Rannoch with an empowered Geth (rewrite), still somehow getting the Salarian’s support despite curing the genophage— like his role would’ve been better suited for a different character. It’s good to be knocked off your high every once in a while to deal with the reality that you can’t win everything. BUT HOLY FUCK. Kai Leng was not the man for the job.)

(Seriously. Like. Storywise. How fucked is it that I punched Han’Gerrel in the gut and he still stood down after I gave my lil speech???)

[patternwelded-quill]

Happy WBW!

What is breakfast like in one of your settings for an average person? If I were to sit down at the table what could I expect to see? And because I like reading your responses, here is a bonus question: If you could sit down and chat with one original character from one of your fics or WIP, who would it be and why? What would you talk about?

Yay, a question! I got unreasonably excited when I saw the notification, lol.

Shāmaltā have some interesting cultural and regional pressures on their diet that made it fun to develop. The first thing is that they love spicy. Carolina reapers are their black pepper. Their hummus glows like a forge and burns like one, too.

Breakfast is usually a mix of any leftover bread from the day before with pressed oils and seasonings to soften it, and some root vegetable hash with various fungus, peppers, and eggs mixed in. Livestock takes up a lot of room so they don't have big meat farms but chickens perform a lot of work for a family and are generally okay. Eating and tilling compost, eggs, meat, fertilizer from poop, etc.

But the big thing is the presence of bread and water. Water is life, and sharing water is sharing life. Bread is a sign of hospitality, agriculture, and being civilized. Both are traditionally always on hand to share with guests as part of the rules of hospitality, so it's usually also big in meals for the family.

Now you know what a meal in a dwarfhold would be you need to be prepared for the other parts of the meal. The family will usually have a prayer before, but guests aren't required to. But they *will* drag you into conversation, debate, and arguments during the meal. You'll jump from the day's plan to deep philosophy to a screaming match about politics. It'll be great, everyone is still family at the end. And they'll probably adopt you if you survive.

Who would I sit down with is hard. The cheatiest answer would be Arivae because she's an ascended system with a whole mess of head mates, what they call shards. It would be interesting as hell to ask about the mysteries of the universe or just what the consensus of thousands would be about a simple topic.

But realistically probably Relarial. I'd talk 'shop' with her because she spent 50 years as a smithy apprentice to her father and as a multismith myself it would be fascinating to get into. Her practical user knowledge of weapons and armor over her life (depends when in her stories we talk but several centuries at least) is invaluable to a maker. Make that sweet-sweet elf longevity useful to me, lol.

[writingmochi]

lissie: hey lee! sorry for the late reply as i've been resting after doing administrative kinds of stuff for the past two days so i've been outside a bunch...

awwww *my hand against my chest* thank you so much and i'm glad you like it. also *claps* very great job for finishing this in one go (reminds me on how i've been lacking in reading and writing at the same time currently) :D :D

i mean, blond soobin also made me feel a type of way, ya know? the inception of this story is because of blond soobin in their concept photos. this fic was very impulsive from the planning and such. so. i'm pleased to hear you had a roller coaster of emotions reading this.

long reply and spoilers ahead! will try to answer your tags one by one by one lmao XD

love that you made notes of this fic! it's also what i like to do when creating my feedback for other writers *wink*

one of the reasons why i don't wanna write yandere au in the genre part is because of the plot twists and so it surprises people too (kinda like how people play doki doki literature club thinking of a cute visual novel but SIKE!) + i don't think soobin is a yandere in particular because he's not THAT possessive that he still allows people to interact with mc in any kind, though the part towards the end where he already get mc in his grasp... that's a whole different facade of soobin showing, his true facade...

i kinda channel my memory on the deathbed scene there so it's a bit personal. back when i was 6, i watch my grandpa pass away in front of my eyes. so, that's why it also felt real to me when writing this because i was recalling what i remember...

the lost boys and lost children reincarnation was something i like because i could write ot5 txt any day, but this is a reincarnation au and sometimes, one soul can exist in multiple bodies! i have wrote this on another review but the reincarnation connections are:

beomgyu >> chaewon

kai >> suhyeon

taehyun >> jaemin

yeonjun >> jihoon

i wanted a more 2000s-idols-centric for this story to tie in that all of the characters are the same age (cameo with jongho, felix, lia, and giselle) and have that year difference with kook and mingyu who is also canonically three years older than them all.

i got you there *smirks* *eyes*

i mean, the thing is. i like subverting people's expectations. in txtblr currently, soobin is known to be the nice, sweet guy and your next-door neighbor type of guy. i've always seen more adventurous and experimental fics with either yeonjun or beomgyu in the starring role. so, i'm using the social cue of the usual soobin characters in the current txtblr fics and flipping it upside down. i've always liked an unexpected antagonist in my stories and have always wanted to write one like that for soobin in my stories one day. with that, i decide to make it with this one!

the college part! i was talking to myself about that and was in a thought of how people my age (or our age cause you're the same age as i) have their own lives now. some went to college, some already have jobs, some already got married, and some already have kids. that thought helps me make a connection between college and school as constitution. how there are primary, secondary, and tertiary schools and how most people graduate from primary school to then already entering the workforce at age 12-13. it's also been a thought of mine knowing that many of my fellow uni mates are expecting to graduate "on time", but using college as a jumping point for more qualified requirements for jobs. in that aspect, that's why i think college is still full of people "not ready for adult life" and many of them seem to be "rejecting to grow up and work" because they still can't comprehend that they are growing up (me included lol)

i think that's why using the peter pan mythos is unique for this topic. changing the age of the characters from pre-teens to young adults, yet still is facing the same problems. but now we see the dichotomy of mc (a person who accepts to grow up) and soobin (a person who doesn't want to grow up)...

the flora/plant powers! that is more inspired by the song and the story within the lyrics of isobel. a child who was born in the forest to then live in the city. the magical realism aspect of the story within the song was the one that motivated me to give her the powers + i have to make sense of the lyric "moth delivers her message" in the song so why not give her powers like soobin's pan also has power coming from his role??

the kook and hook connection! i had to! it makes sense story-wise, age-wise, and appearance-wise. i wanted the owner of the neverland pub to be an alumnus of the same university the lost children go to so age-wise, jungkook is old enough to be a business owner who still adores his uni and that + mingyu makes them want to make neverland pub, not knowing that they were captain and first mate of the neverland pirates before mc's moths open their mind...

oh yeah, the scene where mc is cornered supposes to be a parallel of the one on the pirate ship!

the pov change was very much intentional so that i could keep the plot twists under wraps with a plot twist that soobin knows her and wants mc back to him. then, the whole kook is actually the helper in the situation and also drives home the morally grey theme of this whole fic. it's fascinating for me to write about multiple morally grey characters and how they are perceived, interact, etc

i know this is a long reply, but that is expected when you wrote so many lol thank u so much for reading, lee! :D :D <3

cast: soobin ✗ fem.reader (ft. le sserafim's chaewon, billie's suhyeon, nct's jaemin, treasure's jihoon, txt, and other idols)

synopsis: a story of you, a girl from the forest, and the crowd you meet as you move to the city. all of them pique your curiosity, but one stood out the most. a blond boy who you’ve never met, but it’s as if you’ve known him all along. in between the familiar and the unknown you have entered, the said boy will do anything to keep you alive and by his side; for now and forevermore.

genre: magical realism, psychological thriller, slice of life, slow burn, reincarnation au, angst, a tiny bit of fluff, mature content (obsessive behavior, corruption of innocence, drug(s) consumption, explicit smut)

based on: music björk's "isobel" (1995) (genre: art pop) and literature peter pan

word count: 43344 (43.3k) (wow!)

warning(s): deaths (this is a reincarnation au), amnesia, disassociation, reality warping, recreational drugs consumed and mentioned (cigarette, alcohol, cannabis), blood, gore, murders, insects (specifically butterflies and moths), morally gray characters, toxic relationship, obsessive and possessive behaviors, stockholm syndrome, mention of missing person incident, mention of parental abuse and neglect, explicit sex, unprotected sex (safety first!), oral job (f & m receiving), handjob (f & m receiving), marking, manhandling, creampie (if there is something that i forgot, let me know!)

message from the moon: remember that this story is fiction and do be careful and read the warnings at the top. all the idols mentioned here are not what they are in real life.

it was the end of january 2023 when lissie was on her way home from her relative’s house, her parents in the passenger seat as she drives out of the residential area. the radio was playing a fm that specifically plays 80s and 90s music. a song came on. she didn’t recognize it but she knew she heard it before—a style of an artist so unique embedded in her memory. “this is definitely a björk song” she states, her mom sitting shotgun replied, “of course it is.” the song stayed in her mind until she came home, still obsessed with the newest txt comeback, especially the daydream concept photos, the peter pan-esque story, and the track “farewell neverland”. that was the spark that created this brainchild, an ambitious one, and much more abstract than ashen.

after about 4 months in the making, it is here! i struggle with writing this story because there is no clear path beginning, middle, and end when i was writing it + college is hectic. but i’m proud of how it becomes! this is also part of my milestone open collab "discover: 200" which you can check out! hope you enjoy :D p.s. (y/f/n) = your full name

soundtrack / moodboard

there is a glimmer of light in the darkness.

slowly.

slowly.

it’s falling away from your embrace.

“don’t leave me.“ a voice calls. a voice that you’ve never heard. but it’s like you’ve known it ever since the start of what you are.

“i’ll find you.“ the voice faded past as fast as the blowing wind.

the light became a speck before being enveloped in the vast nothingness.

-

the stumbling of the floor comes to a slow and fading halt. the scenery behind the vertical glass stops. the people inside the small space stand up and grab their stuff from shelves hanging from the ceiling. any time they take a step, the floor sways. they’re heading the same way: to the exit.

a suitcase landed on the platform of the train station before its handle is being pulled up and dragged the weight above and underneath it. the suitcase moves along with its owner, weaving through the legs of the passengers that arrived at their destination. wheels trailing along the concrete floor where people have stepped on, the owner heaves in the noonday. the suitcase sat on the pavement as its owner tried to text the taxi driver they ordered from an app. multiple cars passed by before one arrives in front of the owner, their suitcase, a hand-carried bag on top of it, another one slung on their shoulder, and a backpack on their back.

one taxi stops nearby. a man steps out from the driver’s seat before looking at the pieces of luggage. the owner reads the taxi’s plate number, the same one from the order on their app.

“miss (y/n)?” he said a name.

“yes, i am,” you answered.

the man helps to put your luggage into the boot of the car, leaving you with your backpack as you enter the backseat. stickers and other paraphernalia greets you as it’s the first time you ride a taxi. the seat you’re sitting on is much softer than the one the train has, not believing it has only been hours since you left.

the solemn atmosphere makes you look at the concrete towers around you much more calmly, admiring the walls of it that are made of tinted glass. the sun’s reflection is on the layered surface of the towers as the vehicle moves. rumbles coming from cars, vans, and motorcycles along the road muffled by the thick body of the taxi. eyes never fail to widen when seeing colorful moving pictures on a large screen—advertising a product you’ve never tried.

“first time here?” the taxi driver says. you glance at the rear-view mirror, his smiling eyes meeting you underneath his salt-and-pepper hair.

“yes. i’m moving here,” you answered.

“well, good luck, young lady. moving to a city is hard.” the driver added a small comment, making you nod.

your head looks behind you to the road you are passing; recalling the land vehicles you rode to be here. the station you departed from and the house you left to go here. the house that another tenant has bought at the price that was offered, well, at what your grandma had offered to be sold in the will she gave to you.

none of your parents was there when you were little—your father left and your mother died in childbirth—your maternal grandmother took you in as there is no other living relative. yet, even with decades between both of you, she still has the energy to care for you. you recalled one time when she mentioned how you resembled her daughter back when she was young, telling you stories of your mother’s shenanigans back when she was your age and older.

“it’s as if her presence is in you.“

“i’m raising my daughter again through you.”

every time she says those words, you see her eyes glisten under the light before she holds them back and swallows them.

your grandma was always a green thumb. having a house near the crowded trees lets her have her own backyard—a gift from her husband when searching for land to build a house on. when you went home from school, you always found her in the backyard garden, watering the flowers and vegetables she grew or having tea by the terrace. your curiosity led you to see her doing her activities in the garden: cleaning weeds, putting manure for the nutrients and even letting you put seeds in the soil when you were just a wee little human—helping her plant another patch in the bed of dirt.

“you should always be grateful for nature, darling.“ you recall what she said, seeing the ends of her clothes covered in the dirt she didn’t bother to clean. “without it, our species might not even survive.“

your distinct memories of her landed when you catch grandma humming and singing in the garden as she cared for her plants. they danced, moving their stalks in rhythm with how she vocalised each note. she turns around to see you, letting out a small smile—as if they told her you’re there. she taught you the same thing and more when she realized you could do the same, seeing a sprout moving along with you as you dance around it on the emerald grass, its leaves waving in your direction following your jumbled hands.

the backdrop of the forest is always there when you help your grandma with her garden, doing the heavier labor as she picks out the seed and nurtures the plants in whatever she tries to make them happy and grow. the rustling sound of leaves by the breeze makes you lift your head, letting the moving air grazes your face. grandma has always taught you that the forests have something in them she connected with, a communion of fairies, magical animals, a pack of boys living in the woods who stayed together because they were ‘lost’—led by one of them. those were the connection she made while she read the fairytale books to you, making it as if it happens in real life. but the story of that lost boys always stuck with you as she reminded you that you might meet them someday.

“they’re nice boys, (y/n). all of them have sacrificed something to live in the forest. magic and perseverance help them continue living their lives. i can see you being friends with them.”

shivers will run down people’s spines if someone tells them there are things inside the forest where their house sits near, but you always think that it means new friends, new and interesting people to meet because you don’t have many friends—chastise from your lack of parents and social skills. the only friend you have is your grandma, but you always have an inkling that the lost boys your grandma told you are your friends, especially the leader that she called pan.

you and your grandma lived your lives in harmony before her old age gets to her health. while you were there beside her, sobbing your eyes out, you remember what she said that night.

“you will call mr. jung, the mail carrier who helps us send the flowers and vegetables we sell, and tell him to come here. he will help you with who to call and your next steps.“ you looked at the wrinkled skin on your grandma’s hand, holding yours in it with your warmth transferring to her slowly cooling touch.

“i, i don’t know what to do, grandma.“ you sobbed.

“you don’t need to worry. mr. jung will help you on how to be an adult, (y/n) my darling. i’m satisfied with my life and i’m glad you’re my granddaughter. i apologize if i’m not the best parent in your life, making you live this lifestyle with me…“ you don’t find a sorrowful person on her deathbed. instead, you catch a glowing smile on her face, a woman satisfied with her life.

“promise me, (y/n).“ you see her lift your hand onto her stomach.

“i promise, grandma.“ her hand lets go of yours before cupping your cheek, the warmth from her palm dissipating more and more.

“spread your butterfly wings and don’t stay here, darling.” your eyes widen at her words.

“live your life somewhere in the city and make her dream a reality. sell this house, sell the furniture in it so you have enough extra money along with your will. mr. jung will help you how to take care of it. your mother, your grandpa, and i will follow and guide you from the skies.“

you couldn’t rebut what she said. but you can only nod your head, letting her thumb brush away the fallen droplets from your eyes. your breathing is shaking as you felt the weight of your responsibility and your promise to her on your shoulders.

the dream of living in the city has always been a dream of your mother’s ever since she was together with your father—grandma relayed. but when he left, her footing crumbled as she tried to survive so the baby inside her live to see the world. your grandma told you the story the day of your graduation, but you didn’t take it in you that you will have to do it. even if you could, you’ll always want someone near and dear to you by your side.

“i- i promise. i’ll do that.“ you continue nodding your head as you stand up to call the man with your phone. hand trembles as you turn around to focus on the call, letting her close her eyes. the air seemed heavier as you talked to mr. jung, telling him to come to your home. your figure turns around when the heavy air lifted away, something reminds you to lift your shoulders and chest—a reminder to be confident. your grandma sleeps on the bed peacefully. stepping towards her figure and holding her wrist, you find no pulse as you let go of her for the last time.

the will she gave you read the same thing: “go to the city and live your life there.“ and you do just that. you learned lessons upon lessons about how to be an adult with mr. jung, who your grandma considers a partner that helps her with her business—a long-time friend of your family as his mother is friends with your grandma. he was the last person you recognized as you enter the station, hugging him tight as you left him, a streak of tears trailing down his cheek as the last person of your family left your little village.

“here is your apartment.” your landlady opens the door as you enter the open space, daylight coming in from the windows and balcony. boxes upon boxes litter one side of a wall of the living room, tracing the sticker with your fingers to recognize a few of them to be from your old home address.

with the will she gave you, you can afford a one-room apartment near a college campus. you liked how your bedroom splits from the living area as you want to divide your privacy if you ever have someone visit you here. she shows you the pieces of furniture she received from your orders based on recommendations by mr. jung—considering the size of the room and the look you want it to be with his and the landlady’s consultations. she is a sweet lady from the conversations you had with her on call or chat. and she can’t help but sympathize with your situation when you told her why you move here, making her help with your moving and even buying decorations for your first apartment.

“i didn’t unpack what you order or send here so that you can arrange it yourself.” the landlady spoke as you entered the bedroom. it is as spacious as you thought from the picture she gave you. a mattress rested on the floor with unassembled frames of a bed near it right by where the bathroom is supposed to be. you dropped your pieces of luggage right in front of a covered oval mirror leaning beside the wardrobe. a small smile emerges with your eyes marvelling at the unit back and forth, making the landlady giggle with joy. you walked to the living area when she holds your hand and give you a note on how to reset the keypad lock for the front door.

“take care of the apartment like how you want to take care of yourself. rent is due at the end of the month. and if you have settled, you can come to my apartment for dinner. my treat.” she said as you both walk to the front door.

“i, thank you so much,” you spoke in disbelief.

“you’re very welcome, (y/n). i hope you enjoy your stay here.” the landlady said as she waves you goodbye and left to go to the lift. your eyes scan the other five doors in the hallway of your floor before following the instructions to reset the code to your home on your own. she mentioned how all the tenants living on this floor are also young adults like you when she brought you here.

hearing the clicking of the closing door, you turn around to gaze at the space that you can call your home. one thing, in particular, catches your eye; the only thing on the balcony. the same little sprout who danced with you is now in a clay pot, white petals tilted towards the soil as if a dark cloud is resting above it. as you walk closer, it notices your presence—letting you see it straighten its stems with a little wiggle signalling to you “i’m okay!“ from the journey it went through as you shipped it here along with your other belongings.

after picking up the swiss army pocket knife from your backpack—a gift mr. jung gave before you part ways—you open the boxes one by one. pulling out the little racks that you’ve bought online but also the items you’ve shipped from back home. specks of dust are flying everywhere and even making you sneeze as you note to wipe the items one by one with a washcloth. you open a box full of story books grandma used to tell you as you put them on your dining table, fairytales that you’ve remembered from every cover of the books before the word “pan“ meets your eyesight.

you gaze at the cover as the memories are coming back to you. how you remember to look towards your forest in your black outfit, coming back from your grandma’s funeral as you sat on the back porch—the floras she took care of are wilting without her presence. a mix of determination and fear mixed into your head as you say goodbye to the boys that come into your dreams and imagination, specifically pan.

a bell ring startles you.

you glimpse towards the door before going to the small monitor that the landlady showed you, putting your pocket knife on the table. you didn’t expect her to come back faster as she seems to be busy with other errands. but when you see the grainy footage from the front door camera, you were startled at seeing people around your age. five people, to be exact.

are they the neighbors she mentioned who lived in the other five rooms?

you thought about it as you walked to the door and unlock it, letting a small crack enough for you to gaze at the five figures.

“hello, neighbor!” one girl said. she has a short hairstyle with the inner layer bleached—a black tank top decorating her figure. your eyes widen as you let the door ajar, glancing at them one by one. beside her is another girl with her long black hair straight down, and three guys with variations of hair colors. one of them stood out, having blond hair and taller stature than the other two.

“h-hi…” you stammered as the other girl lets out a small laugh.

“the landlady told us that there’ll be a new neighbor moving in on our floor a few days back, so we prepared a welcoming gift for you. she mentioned that you’re our age so i guess it’s proper for us to welcome you here since all of us are college students and buddies.” the other girl said, holding a cake that is sliced so you can see the colorful flecks inside it, as one boy who wears a red bomber jacket nod at you.

“well, thank you. i didn’t expect any welcoming gift. you can put the plate on my dining table.” your words reached their ears, leaning away as you let the people come into your messy apartment. you block the mess from their view with your body, making them stand on their own shoes after pulling them off by the door.

“i just arrived here an hour ago. so, i’m really sorry for the mess.”

“nah, don’t worry. i relate to you so much right now.” another boy said. you give a glimpse to identify the boy as the one with the green oversized t-shirt, colorful tattoos scattered on their forearms.

“crap, we haven’t introduced ourselves.” the boy in the red jacket as all of them line up.

“i’m jihoon.” the boy said before nudging the girl beside her.

“my name is suhyeon and the other one is chaewon.” the girl with long black hair continued before nudging the short-haired girl.

“i’m jaemin and this is…” the boy with the green t-shirt said to the blond one.

“i’m soobin.” he lets out a small smile before looking away. the intimidating aura coming from him makes you cower before you regain your courage and take in everybody.

“nice to meet you, everyone. i’m (y/n),” you speak as they all look towards you, even soobin turns his head back when you said your name. the other four seem to nod their heads at each other before shifting their focus to you.

“you know what? we can help you, (y/n).” jihoon spoke as he stray from his group, moving to the makeshift path you made from the floor that is full of bubble wrap by its side.

“i guess-“

“i agree. more workforce to help you around doesn’t feel wrong, isn’t it?” jaemin continues what jihoon is thinking as both boys let out a small smirk at each other.

“then after this, we can chat about you and us too, if you want. introducing one another.” suhyeon answered as you turn your body to find the four already scrambling the living room full of boxes and plastic-covered furniture, other than soobin who is standing with an unreadable expression.

“okay, but- wait.”

“guys…” you heard a booming voice beside you as you turned toward the source. soobin has his forearms on his back as he stares at the others, all of them facing him—including you discreetly.

“chaewon and suhyeon can help in (y/n)’s bedroom. jihoon, jaemin, and i can help here. i’m also guessing that you haven’t made your bed frame?” his head turns to you, making you instinctively nod your head before soobin continues, “we assemble it at the end, got it?”

the other four said a ‘yes’ as you turn to soobin, stunned. soobin seems to notice as you catch him taking a peek from the corner of his eye.

you walked to your bedroom following the two girls as they stood around your luggage. it feels weird to know someone so easily tells others to do things. but you realize if it’s not you, the owner, how will they arrange your stuff in your apartment?

“well, i’m thinking of putting the clothes in this suitcase into this wardrobe, then the shirt and pants on the shelves inside.” with that comment from you, all of you get to work.

the two girls nod their head from your guidance, opening the suitcase and bags of clothes you brought as you glimpse outside the room to view the boys opening the boxes with anything that they could of. you wanted to help your new acquaintances, but when you turn to grab your pocket knife off the table, you were met with an empty one. the search for red knife goes one by one, lifting the leftover bubble wrap and empty boxes then glancing at both jihoon and jaemin’s hands who are helping you unpack your orders—assemble if needed. lastly, you land your eyes on the blond boy’s, the blade folded as he grips it in his palm. you tried to approach him, finding his head drooped while looking at his other hand. the same fairy tale book you saw is now in his grasp: the one with the lost boys and pan.

though you can’t see how he looks at it, his vision lingers there—a beat too long—before he shook his head and turn to the side, letting him glance at you from the corner of his eyes. you give a brief tight-lip smile before you look at your pocket knife in his hand, the one that he holds so tight.

“i’ll do the box opening. you can do the arranging.” his voice, soobin’s, said as he give the book to you before pulling away and following what the other boys do, letting you stand there, collecting your thoughts before you arrange the stuff you’re putting in your new home.

the sky has moved from a light blue to an orange as you all rested in your new living room. empty boxes stacked near the entrance and dust still gathered on the floor as you told them you’re alright to sweep it by yourself. the toolbox that jihoon brought from his room saved the assembling part of the bed frame as he sat near suhyeon. chaewon lets out a victorious cheer as she rests her head on the cushion near where jaemin is sitting. you and soobin sit side by side on the floor as you held back a wide smile whilst looking at the tidy room, imagining any other decorations to be added if you have the money and time, and certainly a friend for your little flower on the balcony.

“i-“ you let out a small giggle. “i can’t thank any of you enough.” your heart palpates as you heard the chorus that came from the others.

“you’re welcome, (y/n). it’s the least we can do for our new neighbor.” chaewon reaches for your hand, giving it a small tug.

“not the least, if i consider it. you’ve all done so much yet i don’t know enough about any of you.” you chuckled, staring at the rest of them and how you were the only one out of place in terms of fashion and style. you’ve noticed how each of them are stylish in their own way, urban streetwear being the main look that you’ve connected between all five of them—making you feel left out once again in your hand-me-down overalls and shirts. the sense being left out coming back after a long time it has disappeared since the day of your graduation.

“well, now that we’re done.” suhyeon stands up and grabs the fruitcake she brought and nudges it to you. “we can get to know each other more.”

you give a small gaze at the cake and tea spoon right beside it before retrieving it from her. “okay.” you replied.

“i don’t know if mrs. bae is kidding or not, but you are around our age, right?” jaemin asked. you chuckled as you cut the fruitcake.

“i am 21. all of you are too?” you said, knowing deep down what they will mention after it.

“yeah. we are!” chaewon enthusiastically said, earning a head shake from jaemin as she continues, “oh, did you move here to go to college here? you’ve transferred your credits, right?”

“i-“ you hold on to the plate, hand on the spoon as you scrape the cake into it. “i don’t go to college.” your shoulder shrugs down as the rowdy atmosphere is now unnaturally quiet, making you able to make out the distant sound of engines running down the road from fathoms below the floor you are in.

“i couldn’t afford college. i move to this area cause i find it the cheapest and i could blend in, you know.” you give a taste of the fruitcake, letting the sweetness melt onto your tongue as if fairy dust was sprinkled on it—reminding you to one of your fairytales where the fairies eat cake like what you’ve described. it tastes like something your grandma bakes, letting the memories simmer in your thoughts that you hope none of the people in front of you notices how the mix of emotions you’re feeling makes your eyes tear up.

“hey…” jihoon leans forward from his seating posture. “you don’t have to be ashamed for not going to college…”

you nodded your head, remembering your grandma’s message on how college doesn’t equate to success. but, when you found out you were the only graduate of your high school year to not leave the small town for college, you were devastated. you wanted to be equal with your peers, though not in a friendship sense. but the resources you have couldn’t afford it and you don’t know if you can repay a loan if you take one out. so you gave it up and let yourself be until grandma told you to live here.

“thank you. i risk everything to be here. i don’t have a safety net until i got a job and i haven’t applied to anything.” you then continue to eat, wallowing with yourself as you realized how unprepared you are. how you want to punch your brain for not thinking of any plans once you came here. sporadic is a word that can be defined for you, but grandma always reminds you that life is an adventure, no matter how planned or unplanned it is.

“wait.” you heard suhyeon exclaimed. “speaking of a job, all of us are working at the same place. and they overloaded us with customers that we may open a position up to help and cover more.” she added, making your eyebrows raise.

“you do?”

“yeah, soobin knows, right? we need more people?” suhyeon asked the boy beside you.

“uh yeah, but i don’t think that is (y/n)’s cup of tea.” soobin replied. you tilted your head towards him, eyebrows furrowed.

“why? where do you all work?”

“it’s a pub near here called neverland.” jihoon answered.

you’ve never seen yourself working at a pub. you don’t even recognize what job prospect is available here in the city because you only ever see yourself as either a gardener or a florist—most of the time you spend is with the floras in your house. but you guess it’s much better than working somewhere unsafe and you could use the cooking skills you learned back when you replace your grandma to care for your household’s everyday meals. you desperately need money and grandma asked you to spread your wings—try new experiences—and it’ll be much better if you work with people you know rather than complete strangers.

“i could work there.” you said, “but one of you has to teach me how to mix the drinks if i’m being put at the bar…”

“of course, we will.” chaewon said, a warm smile on her face as the light outside shone on her. the dark has shown up as they pushed the light of the day away. one by one, all of you looking outside the window to figure out the time that has passed. “i guess it’s our time to go, right, guys?” she added.

the chorus of agreement sounds as all of you stand up and you brought them to your front door. you replied to their farewells as they scurried one by one in the hallway, doing whatever they planned to do, leaving you alone with the blond boy.

“i guess i’ll get going?” he asked as he turned to face you, his figure leaning against your doorframe.

“yeah, i have to sweep the floor and clean myself up because the landlady asked me to join her for dinner.” you lick your dry lips. “it’s, it’s been a long day for me.” you exhaled.

“you definitely deserve a rest,” soobin looks down at the floor, “and can i ask for your number?”

“m-my number??”

“yes, for the job and for joining our group chat. we love for you to be there.” soobin replied. your mind recalibrated from thinking outside of the realm. he wants you to join in as a friend, not whatever imagination that shows up.

“yes, yes, definitely.” you grab soobin’s phone and insert your number, giving yourself a small “test” message as you catch a chime coming from your phone deep inside the living area. when you looked up to give the phone, you catch how soobin nips his bottom lip. a look of something radiating in his eyes: warm and sweet. a slight shine that you’d seen before. but you shook your head as a sting suddenly surges in your head.

“you okay?” soobin asked, noticing how you grimaced even though you tried to not show it if possible.

“i’m fine. sorry for concerning you.” soobin shook his head, letting out a smile as you notice how dimples form on his cheeks. he stepped backwards as you step closer to hold your door open. you examine the five other doors on your floor and how each of them is where the friends you made today live. soobin walks to the door right next to yours as he punches the code into his keypad.

“see you soon enough, soobin.” you peeked behind the small space of the ajar door of your new apartment as soobin stepped in and turn around to close his door, giving one last glance at you.

“it’s good to see you, darling.”

the door close as your mind is stuck on the last word he said. a word you haven’t heard in a long time from a voice you’ve newly identified, yet you get a recollection that you’ve heard that same voice before.

closing the door of your apartment, you rush to go to the balcony and fling yourself on the railing that splits you from the outside world. your heart thumps as you collect yourself, dropping yourself to your knees as you breathe the open air. eyes staring at the buildings littering your view and one open space of shaded green that is the campus where your new friends go to.

you know you’ve listened to that voice before, but every time you tried to dig deeper, the sting comes back.

resting yourself down on the floor as you leaned your back against the railing, your eyes landing on the pot with a flower you’ve known all its life wilted as if it recognizes the sentiments you’re feeling. you let out a small smile as you stick your hand out, smoothing its petals to soothe it from a distance, seeing how your fingertips turn green just like your grandma’s.

your fingers sway in the air as the flower and leaves follow you. another leaf grows as you trace it from a stem and two shadows come into your vision. a butterfly comes and rests on your flower, but there is also a moth sitting by the side of the pot.

the way their wings contrast the shade coming from the darkening sky behind you, you let out a small smile as you watch them together. but as you stare at them closer, your head spins as it gets heavier. shaking it away, you step inside your apartment and brought yourself to clean up after a long, tiring, yet exciting day.

-

“i’ve never seen a butterfly and moth at the same time, you know?” your spoken words fly into the vast space. the bustling sound of moving leaves enters your ear, masking the waves of the ocean behind it away.

you gape at the beautiful butterfly and moth pairing under the faded illumination of the purple and orange sky—letting the day go by once again in this place. all the magical things that you’ve seen mesmerized you, making you think back on how you are here in the first place. the sensation of nature that you haven’t felt in a long while, associating it with the freedom you had without the weight of expectations.

“you could see more of this island, darling…” a warm touch rests on your shoulder and the ends of your flowy dress graze your calves. turning your body around, you gaze at the being that brought you here. his blond hair all over the place, the outer garment he wore stretches down until his covered legs, leaving the middle of his torso bare as you view how his skin glistens in the sunlight.

“if, you stayed with me here, in neverland, with the boys too.” one of his hands grazes the apple of your cheek with his knuckles. a confident gaze in his eyes with doubts speckling in. the ground crunches under both of you from the dead leaves he stood on as he steps closer.

“pan, you know i can’t stay, right?” you reminded him as he answered with a small nod that is so short and fast, you almost didn’t notice it if you hadn’t focused on him.

you can’t count how long time has gone for you back in your home, but it has been three days since you arrived in neverland. on that day when pan arrived, you were struggling to do your homework. you were mad at yourself to succumb to your adolescent life. the life you now realized is full of limbos as you can’t seem to define yourself. how your parents expected you to be proper and poise and teachers expect you to do well in your studies.

all you wanted to do was to play as you used to after seeing your younger siblings play with their friends by the street while you have to do your chores—haven’t experienced that euphoria when you are forced to face adulthood. you miss seeing stains on your dress from playing at the park where fancy-looking people also enjoy themselves, trailing down a path full of beds of flowers as you grazed your fingertips against their petals, feeling them coil to the touch. how only on this island that you can touch them again and they reciprocate by wrapping their petals around your fingertips; missing you, as if they learn about you from the plants you sightsee back home.

you wish you didn’t grow up.

it sticks into your mind as long as you remember it by the time you’ve entered secondary education. when the thought of it showed up as you detect the ink dried out from your quill—blotches of them leaving a stain on the paper you were supposed to collect to your teacher, that was when pan arrive. the boy who gave you the choice to escape your routine.

“you can stay young with us, darling,” he spoke the words that has formed in your mind to combat the specific sentence showing in your head. the corner of his mouth slightly raised as the mischievous yet sweet small smile he shows when he sets down at your bedroom door appears once again. you can’t help to be enamored by it.

pan is the most enchanting boy you’ve ever seen, much more than what the girls at your school called handsome. he is a tad bit shy but when the boys pry him to open up to you, he is the sweetest, even sweeter than your younger siblings—which you can’t believe as they are as sweet as honey. yet, he also has a sense of dauntlessness in a way, especially facing the pirates and other beings you’ve met days before as he travels with you throughout the island.

“but i can’t let go of my family either, pan,” you respond, eyes glancing at the sky above as if you can look at their phantoms back home. it is how you came here anyway, recalling caressing the cloud as the magic dust he brought levitated you to bring you here.

“aren’t they worried about me?” you sighed, speaking your mind before closing it, bracing for the answer from him.

“you know they aren’t.” you clenched your eyes. “they have not been ever since your younger brother was born.” pan told you the painful truth that is lodged into your consciousness.

you never wanted to be the oldest child in a patrilineal world. the consequences of the period you lived in where men are seen to be the wisest, even if they have older sisters. you love your siblings. you do. but you wished you were an only child so that your parents won’t set you aside.

you have told none of that information to him.

“how’d you know that?” you open your eyes and glance toward him. pan lets out a knowing smirk, eyes glinting at how you’ve caught something that he didn’t notice. it impresses him how intelligent and careful you are.

“i’ve tried to see if there are people who are similar to me, similar to the boys too. people who just want to escape the world and stay in peace, even if we have pirates such as hook who barges in.” he chuckles before continuing. “then i come across you and i saw myself in you. how you wanted more than the world had to offer to you now. when you live in that city block with your pot of flowers beside the windowsill, you’ve always looked out as if adventures are waiting for you to start it.”

and adventures did indeed start when you came here to neverland. you remembered seeing a moth resting on one of your flowers as pan introduces himself to you, witnessing you floating in your room before he grabs your hand and take you away. other than the pirates you encounter—the ink-covered captain hook and his mates, you recalled how the boys helped you save yourself from a siren’s song when you play by the beach. as they describe it to you that very night, they’re holding your body back and put rolled-up leaves to plug your ears, muffling its melody as you slowly gain your consciousness back. pan got so furious that he even encounter the siren itself, similar to what he did to the captain of the pirates. he lets you sleep with your head on his shoulder by the campfire—the only one that stays awake as his other boys are also asleep—warming you up after having 2/3 of your body submerged in the wavy ocean as you follow the siren’s melody.

you knew there were unrecognizable auras as he stares at you when you regain your consciousness, hands cupping your face as your trance falls away similar to the water by the beach, only seeing him in your sight as it clears out. your muffled hearing still helps you listen to the ocean waves as he checks all over your body for any injury you could’ve got. his eyebrows furrowed and creases formed on his forehead before you soothe him with your palm behind his back and on his shoulder blade, letting him hug you to calm him down; while he wraps you tight in his arms.

“i used to live in your world too, but circumstances in my household left me no choice but to escape. that’s how i find the boys, how we came to neverland, and how i got this magic after volunteering myself as the leader.” he stares at you with known sadness in his eyes. one part of the look he gave you is the same one as when he saved you from the pirates and the siren before the flame of anger seems to take their place as he faces them on behalf of you.

“you wanted to save me, then?” you questioned him.

“i don’t want you to be alone. you will not be when you have us. when you have me, darling.” he replies, blinking away that sadness as that unrecognizable gaze from the rescue and campfire yesterday came back. the shattered light coming from above the leaves you’re under shines on pan in the best way possible. his eyes look more alive because of it, while a few of them land on his cheeks and the area where you can catch his dimples forming.

you nodded your head, “i understand now from what you said earlier.” your hands rested on his forearm as he catches yours in his.

“nobody understands me as you do. it’s a terrifying choice for me to take, pan. but…” you wet your lip as you paused.

“i’ll stay. but you also have to let me visit them if i can.” you propose to him, to which he replied with a wide smile that makes his dimples show up. he tugs you closer to him and you felt his arms around your back, making your head fall onto his shoulder. his warmth against your skin makes your heart swell, how it can only be heightened if you’re hugging each other skin on skin. the tightness of the grip lessens as he pulls back from you but then pushes his head near yours, his forehead touching yours when you realized something plump is on your lips. his lips.

your body froze when he leans back, licking his own lips as you see his eyes looking down at your face. your cheeks started to heat up as you try your best to glance at him—eyelids fluttering—before the lights on his face faded. turning your head, you see the slowly descending sol touch the ocean surface.

“i’ll promise to take care of you, darling.” he declares, a small smile on his face. you lean your figure forward, making you have to tilt your head back so you can catch his eyes.

“it’s (y/n). my name is (y/n).” you correct him, a small smile embracing your appearance as he follows. you never told him your name as he also calls you darling, akin to how your mother called you. if you want to stay with him, surely you can trust him with your name, correct?

“you know, my name isn’t actually ‘pan’”. his reply making your eyebrows rose. pan always introduces himself as pan. even the boys call him pan every time they’re with you. but his story of staying in your world catches your attention once again. yes, his name is different compared to the boys, yeonjun, beomgyu, taehyun, and kai. it is as if pan is a title of some sort, a title given to a person who will take care of neverland and balance them. you’ve heard that name before from your world, maybe even read it in a book you’ve read, but you forgot which one is it and what it means.

his hands embrace both of your cheeks as he told you something sacred, only for you and the other lost boys.

“my name is soobin.”

-

“hey, (y/n)!”

you shake your head when someone calls your name. in front of you is a silver long table mirroring a distorted reflection of you wearing your apron and uniform for work. your eyes cast towards the source to see jihoon at the other side of the counter where the bar is, pushing his hand that is holding a piece of paper.

“order for table 6,” he told as you step towards the divider, scanning in the hand-written order for the table—you recognize is jaemin’s handwriting—and turning around when you listened to the water running and dropping into the sink as it pierces the mostly quiet room. the blond boy lets it run as he cleans a few of his kitchen utensils whilst he shifts to look at you.

“divide and conquer, (y/n)?” soobin stated which you nod, letting the note slide into his vicinity as he scans it.

“i’ll do club sandwich,” you tell him as you heard clinking coming from the bar jihoon is tending.

after the night that soobin left your unit, you received a notification from a group that is named “the lost children“, recognizing the names of your five neighbors in the member’s list. they gave you the name of the manager and co-owner of the pub, jungkook—or, as the others like to call him “kook”—to you. you expected little when you texted the manager, thinking he’ll have a much more crowded pool of candidates that are waiting to get a job too since it is one of the more popular hot spots near the campus. that’s when he called you in a few hours after you reached out and interview you the next day, meeting the tattoo-covered man with his menacing piercings resembling the appearance of pirates that your grandma has described in the fairytales you’ve remembered. he tests you on your cooking skills and many more before he then hired you on the same day, especially interested in you joining when you said you can work full time.

“our pub is full of part-timers for a reason. but we need a full-timer who can be versatile as well. help the kitchen, tend the bar, facing the customer. though your skills are rough, polish them enough and you can work here effectively.” kook said as you nodded, secretly cowering from his enormous presence. indeed, he also gave you more trust because of your scheduling, holding onto the list of ingredients and ledgers full of business numbers that you have learned to identify yourself.

students from the near campus come and do their shifts, most of them are around your age like felix, aeri, lia, and jongho. but in night shifts, your friends are your saviors. ever since you’re here with them, you’ve been following their guide on the art of serving food and beverages, rotating each of your position so you could try it all and gain every information you could get. but especially in night shifts, you’ve noticed how you—coincidentally—have been with soobin most of the time. either in kitchen staff, bar staff, or servers.

and the boy, well, he reciprocated it as if it was a pleasure for him to be with you most of the time. as if he planned this with jungkook or mingyu, the other co-owner and kook’s second in command, to put both of you together.

with a few gazes at him, your headache also comes back from time to time, bracing yourself against the nearest surface if the dice rolls and lands on the chance it happens. and each time it came, soobin is the one mostly on your side. the throbbing pain you suffered against your head piercing even your skull before his touch on your shoulders soothes you down. but now, more and more are forming as you rather waited at the kitchen staff, where only a few heads can notice than let the customer see how “unwell” you are. even with the rotation of staff, soobin is the one that stayed with you the most, with suhyeon and jaemin having a few rotations with you too.

each time, more things trigger you. seeing jihoon and his skills with his tools, seeing jaemin slouching down with a book in his hand, seeing chaewon and suhyeon giggling with each other, and even kook and his second-in-command with his hands wrapped in front of his torso. it’s like experiencing déjà vu from time to time. but you are being bombarded by them one by one. it doesn’t even feel like one to you anymore. yet, you struggle to find the right words to describe it. the memories that are being brought up come from within you, but whose memory is it from, and when did they burn them into your mind?

many nights have gone since you moved. you’ve decorated your apartment much to your liking and much more with your friends’ contributions. a lava lamp rests on the coffee table—bought by jaemin and chaewon, suhyeon gives you a scrapbook that you filled with journals and small doodles, jihoon gives you a set of kitchen utensils, and soobin gave you a music box that plays a song with a mermaid? siren? perched on top of a boulder, singing a song to you. it’s so familiar like you’ve heard the song being blown with the wind before, entrancing you before your conscience falls back.

your plants also react to your joy and pain in ways that you’ve never seen before. sprout now having friends of its own—though not much as the plants back then. they decorate the balcony of your apartment as if it’s a sanctuary that reminds you of your old house, grandma’s garden, and the forest as its background. vines grow even from the cracks of the wall as you try your best to accommodate every flora that grows in your small area. but you also see dead leaves falling onto the soil as time only moves forwards. yet even that, your green thumb helps to heal them, telling them they’re amazing as you visibly look at them repairing themselves from your energy.

in those many nights too, you’ve tried to join in on the activities your new friends do. walking around the night, eating street food in a busy neighborhood, looking at the rows of racks at thrift shops that are cheap enough for your budget, and many more. you stand at the back with soobin most of the time, trying to blend in with his street-style ensemble, reluctant to join your friends who are openly having fun. yet even being your usually quiet self, you still have fun and try to open up more.

as time goes on, you learned the dynamic of the group much more. sure, all of them are mature in their own ways, but soobin gives off a sense of dominance within the group, not just when you hang out but also when you all are working. his domineering demeanor resembles a father figure, something you experience little in real life but can also pinpoint from the many stories that you’ve learned and faded memories that have shown up.

your relationship with the others is as smooth as a sail, but with soobin? you sensed something unusual. the air around both of you is heavier than it is. how his round eyes are cold as you can feel them biting your skin. how his blond hair stands out so much it pulls out a vivid memory of yours—like you’ve seen it in an illustration before. a cartoon, maybe. all of them becoming blurry to you.

but, you also see something with soobin when you hang out with him and your friends. how he laughs with them freely. how he openly talks to them about his struggles with his homework—you learned all of their majors and found out that soobin is a literature major. how he blends in well with the thrown teases within the group, including a few thrown to you, which you tried to come back as good as they are. yet you could detect that shield he puts on whenever he nears you. it’s as if there is danger for him when he is with you, or danger for you when you are with him.

the door of the walk-in fridge needed both of your hands to be pulled, the gushing cold air coming out into the kitchen as you step inside. produces like vegetables, fruit, and meat stacked on shelves. there are the ones you have cooked with before but also ones that you are still learning to cook based on the recipe book kook gave to you; complete with instructions on how to cook it. the recipe of the club sandwich is nudged into your memories—a staple food that many came here to consume—as you pull out the fresh ingredients that you needed. each step of your movement echoes in the medium-sized room, yet it is masked by the hum of the cooling fans above, not letting you pick up anything or anyone stepping closer to you.

“hey.” you flinched from the voice as you shift to meet soobin’s towering figure beside the shorter rack—hugging your ingredients close to your chest. soobin’s eyebrows raised as he looks at how you huff and puff to let the shock out of your systems.

“soobin, don’t scare me like that.” you nudge him with your elbow as you heard his giggles before returning to scan the shelves for any missing produce you might not have grabbed.

“you know what i see this walk-in fridge like?” soobin hums as you turn to watch him with a cut of beef on his, waiting for his answer.

“a cave by the ocean.”

your eyes stayed on his figure as he picked up the ones he needed effortlessly with his long limbs, “the cold air is like the wind blowing from the sea. the ocean has an inlet into the cave that is right below a small hole in the ceiling, letting the sunshine in and reflect the blue on the walls of the cave, like how the white light of this room creates a sort of blue tint to the metal walls.” soobin gazes towards you, “anyone that likes the beach would love to stay there.”

“have you been to one?” you turn to face him, the door of the fridge at the wall across from you, eyeing him curiously.

“i have. you also, right?”

your body stiffens from his words as unidentified memories swirl up once again. closing your eyes to shake it off, you find yourself in that cave instead, overlooking a beach that stays halfway into the mouth of a wide cave. the walls reflecting the rippling water as you gaze up to find a hole that lets in a ray of sunshine. it’s like an illustration. an illustration that you’ve seen before in the fairytale book you’ve read where you finally remembered where it is from. pan.

you thought your ears were deceiving you as you didn’t mean to catch the noises in the memory. but your ears picked up the sound of laughing as you turn around to find people sitting by an unlit campfire. five figures all wearing battered clothes with ripped fabrics on their top or by their calf-covered pants. stepping closer, you felt the softness underneath you as you stare down to see yourself bare-footed on the sand and the white skirt of a dress sticking to your calves from the blowing wind.

it felt real. too real.

“darling!“ someone calls as you lift your head, seeing one of them turn head towards you. the face is fuzzy but you note how bright their hair is.

blond.

darling.

“darling.” you close your eyes and shake your head as you open to see soobin now right in front of you. the ingredients he held now gone, replacing it with your shoulders on each of his palms. his eyes in line with yours, close enough that you can look at the creases on the outer corners on both, how his bottom lip slightly jutted out—creating a discreet pout. his irises move to watch all around your face, not landing on your sight at all. you receive a light rhythmic brush on the sleeve of your upper arms, letting your breath follow the rhythm that you captured.

“fuck…” he looks down. you never heard him curse before in the weeks you have moved here, and that’s with how you, he, and the others almost hang out every night outside of your work hours. but, by the looks of it, he didn’t say it as a usual exasperation. how soobin’s face twitches to different emotions in microscopic ways amazed you. but it creates something heavy in your heart as well. soobin is very much concerned about you if he is feeling this way. his head turns away, facing the shelves nearest to you both while trailing his eyes down the ingredients inside. that’s when you picked up his mumbles, catching a few cut parts of the sentences that he spoke in rapid fire.

“- that’s too far.”

“shouldn’t push too hard.”

“she’s in pain again.”

“i knew she remember.”

“almost there.”

“soobin!” your call reaches his consciousness as you stare into his eyes, reflecting the expression he gave to you before right back to him. his rambling’s sudden stop is what you predicted as his wide eyes stare towards you. how panicky he seems like he knew what you’ve experienced is coming before you do. putting down the ingredients you held on the shelf, you turned towards him.

“i’m okay…” soobin hears you sound as you soothe him down more than when he soothes you, something that seems so natural to you even though you never had this kind of interaction with him. his figure relaxes from every caress you give. your hand rubs onto his upper arm as you sense goosebumps forming on the exposed skin of his sleeves. the hum of the walk-in fridge filled your hearing sense as you stare at his face. his tousled blond hair disarray as you trail your eyes down his apron-covered front.

a second too long. feels like millennia of knowledge injecting into you who you don’t know how to decipher.

retracting your fingers back to your own figure, you immediately pick up the ingredients and retreat toward the warm doorway. soobin not following you as you let him collect his thoughts while you quickly prepare the ingredients.

“customers are waiting, soobin,” you said to him as loud as you can from behind the counter.

“coming,” he replies as you went back to work, shaking your head from the weird yet recognizable look in the boy’s eyes.

hours pass as you both do your job, the sun already set from the glimmer of light you can see through the hole between the kitchen and the dining area. suhyeon greets you with a small smirk as you both stand by the employee’s locker room. her hand holding onto your shoulder as she asked, “you’re coming right? it’s not that often that kook has to close the pub early for the match in a few days.”

“yeah, i heard from him we could work until the latest of nights especially if your college won.”

kook’s strategy to cut your work hour for today in preparation is admirable to others. his lip and eyebrow piercings shining under the light from the ceiling as he told all six of you so. but you still can’t believe what the others said about him. how they describe him as a manipulative boss that is slowly lowering the supply cost the pub needs and the reason the ingredients are sometimes not enough. you thought he might be saving for something, but even with your limited business knowledge and scanning the sheets full of numbers he trusted to you, it shouldn’t have to cut the cost of supplies. right?

every time you checked the ingredients and brewery, you count how the quantity has dwindled more. you wanted to check on it with mingyu, but you remember he said “just trust him” every time you tried.

other than that, whispers fly between the part-time workers about how kook is a gambling addict and womanizer—even hitting up on lia at some point. you want to give the benefit of the doubt, but you remembered mr. jung’s advice to you in one of your adulting lessons that are always sticking in your mind.

“play hard to get with your trust. not everyone is as trusting and reliable as your grandma.”

a hand wraps around your shoulders as you see chaewon letting out a cheeky smile, “what took you both so long? the boys are waiting.”

you heard the chain strap from her bag clinking against her side of the body. your eyes glance between her, yours, and suhyeon’s outfit. how you’ve blended in with all of them with your own style too. the color is still your signature earthy tone, but you are confident enough to wear something a little tighter and expose more skin but with a baggy outer that they suggested to you as you all thrift shopped. the black tank top you’re wearing sticks to your torso and you felt the lightweight earthy green coat covering you from the chilly night air as you all walk out to the empty area full of dining chairs stacked on top of the table.

the boys are waiting behind the glass windows when you can catch the usual white stick already in between jaemin’s lips; clouds of smoke flowing out of him. suhyeon lets you and chaewon out as the boys turn towards you, jihoon showing an annoyed voice as he nags on why it takes so long for the three of you. your vision glance at soobin, who is in a black ensemble, sweater, jean pants, and a black beanie that accentuates his blond hair. a tight smile formed on his face as he saw you, letting you reply with your own before chaewon and suhyeon pulled you to be by their side.

your eyes still haven’t adjusted to the neon lights and signs that the city has offered to you even with the days you’ve settled here. the many heads you can’t even count by the street, especially the ones full of shops and restaurants. faces you pass by seemingly familiar in ways that you might see them or feel their presence, mindlessly live their lives that you are curious with too. the lights shining in blue, white, and pink illuminate all of your friends’ dark attires as you all approach a street that is famous for its restaurants. jaemin leading all of you into one that is full of people, the crackling sound of the grills filling your ear as you smelt the smoky aroma before seeing the rising gray cloud.

the six of you sitting face to face, three on each side with suhyeon and chaewon not wanting to let you go. jihoon orders what all of you want as jaemin and soobin talk about something you can’t understand because of how rowdy the place is. you like to make homemade food, but with your work schedule, you don’t have time for dinner, so you went out a lot and eat the cheap street food that is offered on your way back. you still like to read the recipe book you inherit from grandma and want to cook each of them up. even using the fruits and vegetables that you grew yourself like what grandma has someday in the future. but you don’t feel right to exploit your savings that way, so you try to keep it for yourself, mostly.

“how many bottles do we want?” jihoon’s voice heard.

“soju?” chaewon asked. “maybe three for now. different flavors. get the original one.”

your eyes trail to chaewon, enlarged as you lean into her ear. “i never tried alcohol before.”

“never?!” she turns as you nod your head. the three boys seem to notice chaewon’s exclaim as suhyeon leans in.

“you should remember, chae. she’s literally an independent woman who moves to the city for the first time. i don’t expect her to drink any kind of alcohol,” the long-haired girl said as you watch jihoon lean in.

“yeah. not only that, we can help guide her to her first time drinking,” he said, weirdly enthusiastically that jaemin who sits two seats away has to lean in and rebut his friend.

“wait, (y/n). do you actually plan to drink?” the four turn their heads to you as your eyes move between them before landing on soobin’s who sits across from you. something nudges your shoe-covered foot as you lean down to see soobin’s shoe on yours, smoothing it down slowly as you face all of them. grandma’s phrase rings in your mind once again.

“i’ll try. maybe just one glass. i don’t know what will happen but i’m with you all and i trust you. so, why not?” you replied as chaewon shook your body as you all waited for the food you order.

by the time the food arrived, you helped grill the barbeque as they trust you to cook it well—a perk of being placed in the kitchen most of the time. when you met the green bottles full of alcohol, you see jihoon picking up one bottle and giving them to suhyeon as each of you passes the small glass that came with it. hearing the small crack, you view suhyeon with the bottle and cap’s seal broken, waiting to be opened and drunk.

“this is the original flavor. it’s gonna taste like water but bitter and you’re gonna feel something hot after drinking it in your stomach. that’s the alcohol.” you listened. then chaewon gave you the small glass which you hold carefully as suhyeon helps pour it. raising your glass that is nearly full of liquid, you put it against the light beside the cooker hood, analyzing how clear it is. it does look like water, you thought as you see suhyeon pouring the soju into her own glass; the others holding onto their own filled glasses.

“we can’t let the meat too overcooked. let’s do a toast.” jihoon says as chaewon giggles beside you. “soob, give ‘em”

“ahh okay…” soobin said as you watch him smile, his dimples appearing on his cheeks. “i don’t know what i’m thinking about letting (y/n) be part of us, the lost children. but i’m glad to see her with us now. we listened to your stories as well as we share ours, though you heard more of the other than mine—but i listen and i care. we all are glad to be your friends, (y/n). and fuck the people back in your hometown for not seeing you that way.”

“hear, hear,” suhyeon exclaimed beside you, yet you continue to gaze at soobin as he continues.

“let’s give a toast to our new friend, (y/n), and for her new life here with us.”

“cheers!!!” the words bouncing from one person to another as you follow, clinking your glass with the others as they throw their heads back and drink the liquid in one try. your glass meets soobin’s last, pursing your lips as you stare at the object in your hand before returning to him.

“slowly, darling,” he mumbled even from across the table as soobin drinks his shot before putting the glass on the table. there’s a sound of a knock on the wooden table from his glass before he returns to the tongs he used as you both cooked with the grill.

letting the rim of the glass close to your lips, you lean the glass as you get the taste of alcohol. the liquid is so familiar yet it also isn’t as it tasted weird on your taste buds. you familiarize the bitterness that suhyeon mentioned but didn’t expect the subtle sweetness in the aftertaste—the glass was half empty. you notice all of them expecting your reaction before your mind said, screw it, and down the other half down. the soju arrived cold at the table so it refreshed your esophagus before you put the glass down on the table before you. your face grimacing from the weird taste as you look at jihoon’s concerned expression.

“it’s… okay. i’ll try the other two flavors too but only one shot,” you comment as you caught the four loudly sigh. you continue to get your own tongs and help soobin cook, who is staring at you with an unreadable expression.

for you, it was another two shots of two different flavors of soju. but for the others, they order two other bottles. even with that, you can perceive how tipsy you’ve become, almost similar to when you’re lacking sleep. but you were awake enough to see all of your friends unhinged, seeing their bodies wobbling and drunkness overcoming them. yet, when you look at soobin, he’s not like the others. sure, he drank more shots than you, but you notice that he never pours his own drinks again after a while as the others scramble around to get the green bottles until they’re empty.

after putting the food in your stomach, you feel the fullness from eating but the tipsiness from the alcohol as you let your eyes wander. glancing at soobin, you see him giggle, watching the way suhyeon and chaewon are leaning their head against your shoulders.

“we should end the night, shouldn’t we?” jaemin mumbles as jihoon picks up his belongings, not saying anything before soobin lets out a nod.

the other four leans near your body as soobin pays for the food before all of you scurry away into the streets. the walk to your apartment building comes in variations of volume—from the crowded street full of people—before it slowly fades away as you all walk towards the residential areas.

the other four are at the front of the group as you and soobin stay behind, giggling to yourself as you see them doing their usual shenanigans, but more hyper and chaotic than ever before. you knew with your mostly sober mind, you’ll probably be the one to help them if you could. but you are glad soobin is here without you, not letting you wallow in your thoughts about what is happening right this instance, what happened in the pub, and what happened between the two of you: senses are more hyperaware than ever.

you always thought that the soobin you met—a colder and intimidating guy—was really him. but at the barbeque restaurant, you now recognize that it is a mask. and it’s slipping more and more as he drinks. soobin becomes a bit more talkative with you under the influence of alcohol. usually, he only does small talk with you and it’s jarring to hear that compare to his dynamic with the rest of the group. though you both just met the day you move, you always knew that there might be something more than a cold and calculated demeanor. but why is he hiding it from you out of all people?

“it feels like we’re playing parents here and they’re our children.” soobin exclaimed as you walk behind your friends, facing your head to him.

“we cook for them. we pay for them. we take care of their drunken selves.” he continues then faces you, letting his words fade into the night.

“they’re not that childish. but when you think of it… yeah. why is it always us, though? i, i know they trust you and you seem to know how capable you are. but why me too?” you let out a small chuckle as you hear jaemin’s waves of laughter that you never caught before filling the air from suhyeon tickling him. the background slowly moves as you identify the tower that all six of you live in. the shining dots on the floor each has a tenant inside, living life the way they do.

“i mean you are the most responsible out of all of us. maybe that’s why many young adults go to college.” he trails off as he speeds forward. you turn your head to the front to see your friends already meters away as you stride as fast as you can to keep up with soobin.

“what is that supposed to mean, soobin?” his figure stops when both of you are closer to them and the tower.

“it’s…” you see him nibble his lips before continuing. “young adults attend college—which is technically a school that is not mandatory—because they want to stay young. making friends again and doing club activities. it’s what a child learns to do in school.” soobin turns to you, “they don’t want to realize they’ve grown up.”

eyebrows furrowed, you continued the step toward your other friends before looking behind you. “and how’s that relate to me being responsible?”

“you moving here on your own with no preparation other than your savings and the roof to live under. you knew you had the skill and level of responsibility to take care of yourself in a new environment if you are ready enough.” soobin’s eyes cast down, and he blinks rapidly, processing each word that he spoke to you.

“you knew you had to grow up.”

soobin pokes his tongue to his cheek as he follows you and you walk to your tower. your hands following his and put it in your coat pocket to not let the cold win.

you had no choice but to grow up when you graduate high school and especially after your grandma passed. with the limitation of your actions and wealth, grandma always helps you grow into the person you are. ready to face anything, even if it’s intimidating. she told you to be positive as people can reciprocate it back, but slowly in the city, arguments are thrown to hold it back. people are crafty in the city and lies are thrown everywhere, even near you.

yet you still seem optimistic. the story of pan and the lost boys were also the story of facing your coming-of-age and how people want to stop it. you can vividly remember the five boys in the book and the girl they brought from the real world to stay with them. yet she leaves because she realizes she has to grow up. what if she stays? what if you stay back at your town and do not move to the city?

the elevator’s ding signals the opening door as all of you step and disperse to get out. all of you move haggardly, knowing the painfulness of a tired body coming to you all and especially the ones who are very intoxicated.

“i’ll try to make a hangover soup for all of your breakfasts, okay?” you speak as they nod their heads. chaewon and her pouty face reach to you and hug you as the other follows, crushing you into a tight grip as soobin smiles until his dimples show.

“thank you so much, (y/n). you’re the best” jihoon says as he hiccups. raising your shoulders, it signals them to let you go as they say your good nights with jaemin being the last one as his unit is right near soobin and yours. as the door closes, the hallway’s silence enveloped you and soobin. your eyes moved to see him rubbing his head, pushing his beanie off before he holds it in his hand.

“you’re also gonna give me a bowl of the soup even if i’m not as drunk as them?” he asked as you let out a small smile, nodding. awkwardness flies between the two of you as you sway your body, hyping yourself to talk to him, but you don’t know what to talk with him.

“i’m sorry, by the way.” you hide your startled self as soobin pushed forward to speak, shifting to face you. “for worrying you back at the pub.”

“oh… yeah.” you lick your dried lips, nudging the fallen coat on your shoulders up. “sorry for worrying you too. from my daydreaming session precisely.”

“you had a lot of that since you arrived here. even holding onto your own head like you’re in pain. are you really okay?” soobin steps near you as you look away. it is always with soobin that it’s painful. but when it’s with your friends, you also had moments when you disassociate. seeing not your friends, but different boys wearing clothes that have tears on them. yet you recognize them too.

but it’s always with soobin that your “daydreaming session” becomes more prominent. though not as sore as the first one, you can still feel something press on your memory, telling you to process and remember something. but what?

“uh…” you shook your head, teeth biting your lower lip. “it’s like my brain is trying to tell me something, especially with you five. i have this weird memory recall suddenly where i am by a beach or in a forest whenever i’m with you five, especially with you, soobin.” you heard him inhale after you call his name.

eyes meeting his, his eyebrows creased as he steps closer, your feet almost touching his as you recognized how confidential this piece of information might be to just give away. but because he is the reason you feel this way, maybe he could have an answer.

“it’s like… i know you before, but from where exactly?” your hand animately moves as you try to express your thoughts. “i could label it as a déjà vu or maybe it is a coincidence. i, i don’t freaking know…”

“hey…” soobin reaches out and holds your shoulder. “thank you for trusting me. i don’t know how i can help you but you can definitely rely on me.” he nods with you following.

gulping down your saliva, you look towards soobin who is giving you a small side smile before you give one of your own. the light from the ceiling cast a shadow where you can only see his silhouette—like a sun does near the horizon. something pulls you in and as if soobin knows too, his head moving forward slowly towards yours. you can feel his breath meeting yours, eyes staring at his with brief glances make as you’re taken into a black hole that is him, pulling you in more and more.

“don’t you have class tomorrow morning?” you asked, finally able to pull away as you catch his mumble “fuck“ as he retreats to his front door. pushing his code in, he twists the door handle and pushes the door open with his back.

“i owe you one. good night, darling.” he nonchalantly spoke, didn’t think about anything he said, and stepped into his unit.

“good night, soobin,” you replied after the door closes as you return to your own.

the suffocation of the room is prominent as you feel every pump of your heart from what happened. you don’t care if it’s nighttime, but you need to calm down and process everything. the leaves from the plants—especially sprout with its daisy flower blooming—whirl when you arrived. you sat in your usual place against the back of the wall beside the railing: a favorite of yours where you can glance at your plants but also view the city. you curled your knees up to your chest as you peer towards the plants, seeing them reflecting your expression with their posture animately, even the nuances of the flusteredness you tried to push away. your heart beats not from fear, but because of the fluttering sense that you had.

you never asked why soobin called you darling. the first time you heard it, it overwhelmed you until it broke you down. but him calling you by your nickname even if he doesn’t know it is comforting. as even if you walk towards the future, the past is still there to remind you who you are. the little reminder of grandma and your storybooks help, but someone calling you darling is different.

one of your hands rested beside your curled-up body so you can hold it up. the tile floor is cold to your touch with a little softness coming from the plants growing in the cracks. your mind runs high on what happened. but what happens next? soobin now knows why you’re like that. but shivers still ran down your spine from his figure as if you met him before, that he is someone you cherished.

you don’t know how long time has gone but you feel something touching your hand on the floor. looking at it, you see a vine wrapped around your forefinger, not in an intimidating way but a soothing one as it caresses your skin. when your finger moves, it immediately retracts from your touch and follows your movement, left and right, and even growing and shrinking.

you’ve watched grandma do that before when she wants to decorate the house, even telling the trees that are planted in your garden to follow her guide. yet you don’t know if you also get that ability before now. your fingertips revert to your skin color from the green chlorophyll pigment, a smile form on your face as you feel grandma’s presence soothing you—even an unfamiliar yet identical one who you can only conclude is your other family member—as you pick yourself up and prepare to drift into slumber.

-

the grass gets greener beneath your touch, feel it being refreshed from the energy you gave to them. the sound of the waves crashing to the shore filled your ear as you turn towards your little cave opening where you reside. a little cave you call your home.

the boys left you alone as you wander near where you live, a dagger strapped onto your thigh for safekeeping or if you want to drink coconut water from the fallen fruits on the sand. you look down when you see the grass leaves wrap around your fingers. they do seem to love you here, the plants. it’s as if you’re the calling of mother nature visiting neverland for the first time. your ability seems to grow more as time goes on with you staying on the island, even forgetting what is going on in the faraway place you used to call home. will they remember you? will they question your existence? you don’t know unless you visit there. but the thought of leaving always leaves your mind as you are already too attached to the boys here, especially to pan.

you learned how to craft basic things through yeonjun’s lessons, finding the right herbs to eat with taehyun, hunting and fishing fish with beomgyu, and exploring the island with kai. soobin, well, he is always busy with things relating to his position as pan.

by the campfire, you heard all of their stories, excluding soobin’s who is somewhere on the island. when they came back at sunset a few hours ago, they brought a crate of things they stole from hook and his mates. all you do is talk and let each other talk as you can see the moon reaching the peak of the sky right at the open ceiling in your cave as you ate dinner from the fishing pile. you sensed beomgyu and kai leaning their heads against each of your shoulders as yeonjun and taehyun take turns drinking the rum that is inside that crate. their stories were your realization as to why they are called lost boys.

“soobin told you how all of us came from the same world as you, but we all have the same tune of problems. adolescence expectations and targets, pleasing the parents with studies and their results after it. some are more dangerous than the others but we know they ostracized us in a way.“ taehyun speaks the tell-all as yeonjun pushes his hand out with the bottle of rum that is near empty—not caring about what happened right after as you grab and drink the bottle until the last drop, licking the sweet residue off your lips before you wipe them with the back of your hand. all of them telling their stories one by one, opening up and showing you their most vulnerable side as you listen intently—understanding them more because most of the time you spend here is with soobin. all of that conversation spoken between all of you lasted until the pile left only soot and faint smoke flying up. the four boys rise up from the logs as they lay down on their respective spots with you helping to clean up the cave.

“thank you, mother.“ you heard beomgyu teasingly mumble, his voice slurs away as you let out a giggle. it is a jest for them that they see you as their mother figure—being the only female in the commune yet also helping clean and arrange things in it. but the more you think of it, you seem to like it. you’ve always cared for your younger siblings a lot back home. but the connection is a tad clearer, especially with your blooming relationship with their leader, who is a much more authoritative figure.

putting the utensils and other things in the right place, you look at the night sky illuminated by the surface of the sea. candles lit up in a few corners of the commune to help in navigating. your hand traces down your exposed skin by your neck and collarbone, pressing it down to feel the pain from where soobin marked you as his a few nights ago. both of you don’t know exactly what to do, but it felt right to explore more—and a little more explanation on the education side from what you learned at school. your legs are still sore but it’s slowly masked by how heavy your head is, both from the soft and relaxing atmosphere but also the substance flowing in your body. it tells you to rest up but you don’t want to, letting your steps take you outside the mouth of the cave.

you inhale the clear air you are now much more used to than steams coming out of the running machines outside of your previous house. the wind caressing your skin and rustles the plants. your thought returns to soobin and how mysterious he is slowly becoming. he promised to tell you everything, but he disappears into the day until the middle of the night, hasn’t returned and he didn’t tell you about it at all. you wanted to pry the boys, but your guilt showed up first before you take action.

sitting down on the sands near where the water crawls, you let your eyes droop. you couldn’t lie—you wanted to—but you seemed lonely. isolated. yes, you live with five other people, but when words have different meanings depending on the layer of connections you get yourself into, you are slowly getting ostracized in a group full of ostracized people. you’ve contemplated speaking about it to soobin but your guts tell you to not do that as he then went away more and more because of his pan duties. he told you what does his nickname come from as you both lay beside each other nights ago.

“pan is a title that this island’s deity gives me and makes me responsible to protect neverland, the species who live here, and the island’s nature from evil or any other dangerous parties. but i gave it another reason to help children from back in our old world to face their fears even for just one night, as an imaginary friend that brought them to neverland. there will be mythos written about me and my actions, which i don’t mind.” soobin rustles beside you as you felt his knuckles caressing your cheek, “you’re the first adolescent i had to help. the boys and i are stuck in this age as we grow up slowly, sneaking to see people our age outside the island knowing what to do with their lives. all but you.”

sure, he promised you adventures—which you had. but he never seems to bring you to his adventures. the other species on the island like fairies and sirens were told by soobin to respect you. but when you wanted to get closer, they back up and left you behind as the vines crawl to comfort you without you telling them to do so. yet, you don’t understand why they should fear you that much. you are the same as the humans here, including the pirates.

that’s when an epiphany struck you. a bolt of lightning in the bottle.

you remembered how soobin promised to bring you back to your family once in a while. but you never did—even with him flying away there for hours, gone until he came back.

you also realized that he never brought people to neverland again after you though he tells you it is one of his “jobs”. as if even with how young they are if they come here, they could recognize you from their world. it is as if he is done with his pan tasks outside of neverland, like he is satisfied to take care of other things. all after, you stayed. but he still went to your old world, doing whatever tasks he does without even considering your ultimate wish to visit your family.

hooded eyes are covering your vision when you tried to stand up by yourself. your balance is off in a way that you misplace your legs when you walk. but you can feel the underwhelming rage growing inside you as it slowly sheds away with every heavy step you took from the wet sand that sucks you down.

you needed to go home to your family, no matter what it takes. you don’t know what is beyond the horizon from the island but with a ship or boat, you could try. every step you take—no matter how sporadic—is heavy but agile with the growing fury that is flowing through your veins.

you could see the opening of the cave, planning to cut the rope and steal the boat that the boys have by the little sheltered cove you called home. but your body is pulled backwards, and something heavy covers your mouth and nose. with your intoxicated body, you were too late to get the dagger as darkness enveloped your vision.

-

“what do you mean you know nothing about her whereabouts?“

the boys cowered as they stare at their leader with a look so unnatural than his usual. his clothes were cleaner and tidier than his usual tattered ones as he left to visit the town where you used to live. papers were scattered beside his feet as the boys stare at him.

“we don’t know, soobin. we swear,“ kai mumbles as soobin strides towards him before lifting him by his collar. his teeth grinding against each other as he lifts himself off the ground with his power, dragging the other boy.

“when is the last time you see (y/n)?” kai struggles to swallow his saliva and answered as soobin’s grip rested near his throat, struggling more to breathe as soobin caught the sound of the boy’s clothes tearing little by little.

“when did you last see her?!“

“l- last night,” kai mumbles as soobin float closer, sniffing something weird on his friend before he realizes, dropping him onto the sand where taehyun is waiting to pull him up to his feet.

soobin scans the commune to find anything out of place, observing each and every part of the commune when he sees an unfamiliar wooden crate near the ones he knows. he drops to the sand before striding towards the crate and opening it to find a few empty bottles of rum.

“did all of you drink last night?“

“yes.“ yeonjun doesn’t hesitate to answer.

“did she drink any last night?“ soobin sends a follow-up answer, hoping they say “no” before turning to them and they meet him with silence. returning his gaze, he sees how emotionally down they are as they haven’t recovered from the substance, but it is much worse when you’re in recovery from how drunk you are especially when you’re not used to it. he caresses the wooden surface for any clue where they got the bottles of alcohol. that is when he felt a small indent near the bottom of the crate, which he recognizes in his waking mind. soobin shook his head in disbelief before bracing himself.

“hook. she’s with hook.“ he turns around and strides to shake his friends.

“this is all your fault. if you let my love get away like this, i-.” soobin didn’t finish as he shake his head in disbelief. he returns to his pile of loot, picks up a machete he hasn’t used in a while, and straps a sheath behind him to put it in. the other boys stare at their leader in various states of mind: guilt, tiredness, fear, and nauseous. soobin heard the rustle coming from the side, peeking to find taehyun taking a glimpse of the papers before the tall boy got up and returned to the others’ presence.

“prepare yourselves. we’re going to raid their ship,“ soobin said as he lets his pouch full of magic dust strap on his belt as the others scurried away to pack up what they need. you could’ve escaped with the dagger he gave you, but with your drunken state that he guess you had, the likely chance for you to escape is abysmal. his hands clench and unclench from the overwhelming emotions he is having, pouring out of the vase that is his mind. he has to punish the boys somehow. he will do that after he gets you back from those nasty hands of the pirates.

the boys stuck to his behind as they traverse through the forest instead of following the coastline—a much faster way to reach you. but even with the path cutting their time, the jungle’s topography is dangerous and unexpected. the usual clear path that he and the boys took now blends in with the rest of the forest grounds, obscuring his way. pulling out his machete from behind his back, he cuts the thick vines as best as he can. no spoken word is needed. his focus is only on getting you back in his arms.

but the jungle seems to fight back as he can only see the small glimmer of the light outside. with every hack of the machete, he sees the butterflies and moths going out of his way—a few fallen from not being fast enough. not minding the other four, he lets the machete whack the last few vines before meeting the beach where the pirate ship docks. the masks of the chirping birds cover the boys’ whisper as they trail the sand to the behemoth of the ship where you are. not wanting to wait anymore, he flies to the bow of the ship.

soobin’s eyes landed on your figure that is being tied at the bottom of the mast. your dress sticks to your skin, the ends of it flowing with the ocean’s wind even with your hand tied behind your back. head lulling down as you tried to rest, seemingly too tired to fight any longer. that’s when he sees the pirate captain, hair long until his nape, piercings adorning his face, tattoos littering his hand, and knuckles, with a hook on the other wrist.

“captain hook!“ soobin drops on the bow as hook turns his head towards his voice with you raising your head. the frown on the man getting deeper, pulling out his sword from his side.

“seize pan!“

the crewmates climb and crawl to the boy’s figure. all holding melee weapons of various shapes and sizes that it became too hectic for him. but using his machete, he blocks the incoming metal as the clanks touch every part of it. every lesson he learned with his friends on sword-fighting lies on this. the remnants of cuts from the training are a reminder of his loss. but he held on and continue to train until he can fight with it. but even with his magic as part of his arsenal, his skill plummets from the overwhelming amount of crewmates trying to stop him.

soobin clench his fists so tight that veins show up near the surface of his skin, sensing his power succumbing and creating a chamber inside him where it collects. he hasn’t seen the backup of his boys, adding it to the wrath that is filling him up. soobin fights and deflects as hard as he can until his magic is too hard to handle. the dust he held in his pouch falling out to his skin as they fuel his anger.

“AGHH!” soobin shouts, exploding the outrage as all things near him are pushed away and landing on places on the ships. blood splatters onto the wood and his tidy clothes as his body holds on, his nerves reacting to a sting with a liquid form a little running stream on his cheek. brushing it with his thumb, he finds the crimson liquid that is from his cut vessel.

bodies fall limp as they ran out of blood. the mast and other shrapnel of woods stick out of their fleshes as the blood pools the path between him and you. yet, pan smiled. he smiles as he steps towards your shaking body. you’ve probably never seen this much blood and all he wants is to come and comfort you from it. his footsteps covered in blood as the living crewmates cower from his moving body. you spoke nothing as the emotions overwhelmed you, eyes glistening from the tears threatening to fall. hook disappears with no trace, blown out by his magic burst.

his hands hasten to cut the rope that binds you in one slice. dropping his machete down as he holds you tight, staining your white dress with the blood on his hands—hugging you and resting his hands around your upper back. he felt you crumble under his arms as he closes his eyes, hearing your gasps before letting loose a small whine from the overwhelming emotions. your hands grasping his body in a tight squeeze.

“it’s me…“ he spoke lowly into your ears, letting the creaks of the moving wood on the ocean waves fill the space. pulling away to open his eyes, he sees your wide eye face and furrowed eyebrows as he smoothes down his thumb across your cheekbone, blood smearing on your face.

soobin’s body is pulled back when he felt a hook under his jaw and something sharp pierce the outer texture of his forearm. he heard the haggish breath of the captain hook in his ears, even felt the cold metal from his piercings touching the boy’s earlobe. yet, you didn’t seem to hurry and stop the pirate, standing there as your body is quivering.

“sweet dreams, pan,“ the pirate whispered as soobin’s eyes trail down your white dress and the blood stains he gave you before going down to your legs. that where he sees it: drops of blood landing in a small pool beside your right heel.

your body slumps down as your skin is losing its colors fast. soobin’s body thrashes against hook before he punches the pirate’s gut with his elbow, letting him go as he rushes to grab you as you fall. your mouth lets out whimpers as soobin sees behind you, seeing your dagger pierced into the lower black with blooming red on the white fabric.

“no… NO!“ soobin shouted as he turns to hook who don’t have any remorse to help you up, an unintelligible look on his face. holding your body as best as he can, your whimpers haunt him as he listens to footsteps finally arriving at the ship. turning to see the boys walking towards your laid body on soobin’s arms, pulled by gravity as your head hangs down. not strong enough to lift it yourself.

“why aren’t you doing anything?!“ the boy continued to scream. he tried to stop the bleeding, covering near the cut as best as he can, and not pulling the dagger out; knowing that more blood will flow out. but he felt a cold touch on his warm hands.

“i…“ your voice is so little only he could pick up. soobin’s tears fall on his cheek as your life fades away.

“don’t leave me.“ soobin cries, your body already limp as you don’t have control of your own agency anymore. his hands push your body up as he hugs your fading warmth. the last time he cried this hard was a long time, something he never wanted to talk about with anyone but allowing you to hear it. you were the only person he trust. you’re his world and here you are, being ripped away from it by the dagger he gave to you.

“you believe in another chance at life?” he remembers you asking, seeing the sunrise on the beach after he came back home from returning a child back to their home. “well, i do. i hope i get a chance,” you answered, drawing in the sand between where you both sit. small circles that are similar to the foams coming from the waves.

“i will like it and even with another chance at life, i want it to be with you.” soobin spokes as you stop drawing and let hold on to your hand with his.

“i promise. i’ll find you.“ he whispers into your ear when he sees your face empty of life. his jaw is locked tight as something dangerous is filling up inside him. everyone was stunned yet none was helping you as he lets himself let go.

the last thing he sees was red as he opens his eyes.

soobin’s body folds up on his bed, sweat forming on his face and his bare torso as he stares at the morning light filling up his bedroom. the digital clock on his bedside table showing the hour with its red lights. he rubs the creases form on his face, even the tears that have fallen from the corner of his eyes.

the past few nights were full of this specific dream he had over and over again, as if he is there in purgatory. yet, when he met the refreshing outside morning air on his way to his college class, his step springs into motion as if nothing happened—pushing it back with his usual memories. well, that and all the sacrifices he made to be here. the gallons of blood he had to step into at that ship deck doesn’t scare him, but he embraces it instead. getting to know each motive and detail that make him feel that enraged that day.

his open laptop obscures the way his hands move on his notebook. the flowing ink draws on the lined papers with the mention of words he heard in the dream and more he recognizes. but two are the most prominent: pan and darling with the lines between each other. the writing is unintelligible for others but him. and there is also a certain word that is flooding onto the sheet of paper, creating a reminder to not let him forget why he is here now.

(y/n).

(y/n).

my darling, (y/n).

when he found out another tenant move in into the apartment next to his, he didn’t expect to see his long-lost lover’s face; though different because your more timid side is shown. soobin had prepared for the day when he agreed to do it—to tell you who he is, who his friends are, and more—but he always thought he had to shield himself from you. he doesn’t know if the (y/n) he recognized is his love, the (y/n) that left him amid a maroon-colored deck all alone, bodies were thrown everywhere even with his lost boys and the captain not surviving. blood dripping down the side of the ship and drops into the salt-filled waters.

he realized the moment that he, jihoon, suhyeon, chaewon, and jaemin met, they are this life’s version of his boys—jihoon and his handiness skill like what yeonjun had; jaemin and his vast knowledge like taehyun’s; suhyeon’s friendliness like kai; and chaewon’s aloofness like what beomgyu has. all of them need a friend who can guide them and take care of them. they don’t hesitate to nominate him even with his humble excuses.

soobin also didn’t expect to be born in the same situation he had back in his earlier life. ignorant father and abusive mother that he had to cope with every time he can. he didn’t have a youthful life like what his neighbors have and that increases his childishness, which he learns to masquerade under his mother’s tantrums. the rum he used to steal from the pirates is being replaced with cigarettes and occasional recreational drugs that he doesn’t hesitate to do even in his teenage years—no one cared for him as a person anyway back before he met the lost children.

after reading a book about pan and the lost boys in a library back when he entered his pre-teen years, all the memories locked inside him are out of the boundaries and flood his memory. how at the mention of a dangerous siren, he remembered saving you from it. how pan first met darling is a more simple explanation when he met his darling and take her away to his home: neverland.

but when he read the ending, he had to pause as he read to find the decision of her leaving neverland and growing up to finally let pan see her as an older woman—a mother to her children—which he can’t bear to read more because it remembers it to his own mother. his darling wouldn’t leave him that way, right?

when soobin needed to get more money, he never expected to stand outside a pub called neverland near his campus. he braves himself and does observations when he met face to face with jungkook—remembering that the hook he fought was named captain jeon like the last name of his boss that conducts his interview with and make him rely on him for his income. everything was set in place—a group of friends, an abode, a neverland. all he could do is wait until the day he found darling, or when darling moved to find him and his friends.

you seem to still have your affinity to plants and he observed how plants follow your guidance with just a flick of your finger. it is something he admired you for, especially when you told him you had that gift before and it became stronger in neverland. he remembers seeing how the tips of your fingers turn green every time you influence the floras. he remembered you calling the group to help you move the pots of plants you bought for your balcony garden; just like how you teach the boys how to garden back on the island. but he can’t lie. he felt intimidated by them and how they can care for you where he can’t. how your attention stays on them but not to him.

he used to experience the same headache, but because of his resilient soul from all the pain he bears, he lets it embrace him. the length of it becomes so short that it is now so swift and disperses instantly as his old life’s memories come back again. and with the small reminder of your life with him back on that island, he notices the head-crushing headache you’ve experienced. but by the way you cower. it’s much more painful than what he experienced—just like what he was told. he wanted to pull that pain away from you because you’ve had too much, letting him feel it instead. after all, he is already numb to it. but when you start to only get a few swaying heads instead of the difficult headaches you’ve gotten days before, he can’t help but to smile to himself—and how happy he is you’re embracing your memories back.

it will not be long until you remember him again.

when you arrived here, he played a more passive part to integrate you into the lost children. even protecting you at a point because you might not be his love that he recognizes. but when the headaches arrived, he lets you in into their culture, ways, and style—how he remembered you embrace the lost boys’ way so fast back in neverland. your own clothes blending in with their new street style, like your white dress combined with a leather corset that he stole from the pirates. he stands back and gazes at how your behavior joins in with the rest of his friends, shopping sprees in thrift shops, walking in the night with them, and now, alcohol is your recent interest. he lets out a small smile when your caring side shows up and takes care of the rest of the friend groups, giving your homemade recipe to try, helping in discussing the homework he and his friends have with your knowledge, and taking care of them when they’re sick.

just like how a grown-up is.

as he heard your story on why you have to grow up fast, he is furious. when you said you had no choice but to be like that, letting your adolescence envelop you, he wished he could have his magic back and pray to the altar before the deity that gave him the second chance to also wished for you to have a regular childhood where you can let your childishness stick within you.

he remembered the phrase “the great pan is dead“ chanted by the beings he met on the island as they see him sacrifice himself to rest, letting him succumb to his wish to be returned to you whenever it could be. he will wait an eternity just to be with you again, and that time has come.

soobin stayed at the sidelines as one of the servers, looking at the large crowd full of familiar faces dining and enjoying his campus’ victory in today’s match—a step closer to the semi and final matches. the part-timers who work here are all being brought because of the many patrons that have come, letting him finally meet the few workers you had worked with. he listened to jihoon's grunt as he returns from his run around, giving the boy a small smile as soobin gave him pats on his back right after. the music playing from the speakers is loud and booming, rattling the whole bar area where the girls are serving, including you. he grimaced when sees your tank crop top as you served college guys drink, seeing their lusty eyes on you as kook told you to have fun.

his eyes stayed on you who is having a great time, even having your own gin and tonic at the side to drink. kook wanted to let the “big guns” out for tonight that he predicted, letting the boys and girls wearing similar revealing shoes and having the island and forest vibe from the main interior thematic to stand out more—castaways having fun eating, conversing, and dancing the night away; just like he and his mates did back in his neverland. that’s when he sees more people crowding the bar area. soobin walks towards it after taking care of a few orders to see the crowded front of the bar with chaewon dancing on the bar top. she pulls suhyeon up as they walk around the bar top, seeing your wide smile from the ground before they pull you up.

he walks closer to the counter between the kitchen and the front as his eyes can’t look away from you who is dancing on the bar top, letting the alcohol break your restraints just for the night as more of the bartenders are getting busy with the many orders. you sway and dance with the music as best as you could, the yellow lights illuminate the bar reminding him of how you and the boys dance the night away back on the shore of neverland—the campfire create a perfect lighting as you and the boys dance around it.

the night went crazier. even he was brought into the craziness when he step behind the bar to see if another order is done, seeing you turn around and face him at the area as you dropped and walks towards him, speaking no words when you get him into your embrace and dance around following the music blaring from the speakers.

the crowd fades out like the sound of the waves he used to hear, his hands embracing your waist like he used to remember. the lights creating stars in your eyes like the one he remembers seeing. your hands wrapped behind his nape, bringing him closer to you. he wishes he could save this moment even under his hesitation and your forwardness because of the alcohol. he lets you go as you have to continue your work and he does too until late in the night of today and early time of tomorrow.

his back hurts from cleaning the place up, swiping the trash away with his broom as he can see all the workers lookingmessy all around, yet he couldn’t find you. soobin turns his figure towards suhyeon at the bar, cleaning up the spilt-over drinks on the wooden top, eyes blank as the alcohol effect fades out.

“suhyeon…” her eyes glance at the tall boy as she lets out a sheepish smile. “you’ve seen (y/n)?”

“uh… yeah…” she slurs. “i think she is in the restroom. she mentioned that her stomach’s hurting. probably puking from drinking too much.”

“okay. thanks…” soobin answered, hearing her teasing “for sure, papa.” before he went away.

he remembered how his friends have called him “dad” while also calling (y/n) “mom”. something he remembered the boys also called you and he in your previous life.

stepping inside the kitchen for the first time in hours, he saw felix and lia focusing on cleaning the plates first as he found the room to be much cleaner than what he expected. the door to the employee lockers—where the restroom is also located—is ajar as he steps closer, hearing his footsteps clearer before he heard a thud on a metal.

“move back, please…” soobin caught a small familiar whimper. peeking through the door, he finds someone being covered by a large man with tattoos. seeing the man move, he finally sees the person he was searching for. you.

“kook!” soobin calls as kook turns his head towards his voice with you raising your head. the frown on the man getting deeper.

“let her go.” he steps closer. your eyes widen, seeing the boy’s disorganized hair and clothes with a frown on his face. even with nearing a meter in front of him, soobin can smell the stench of alcohol on his manager much stronger than on yours.

the man lets out a wicked smile where his facial piercings make him more menacing than ever; so similar to the captain he fought against. your body is cowering more than ever before he heard you grimace. he sees your eyes wandering between the two males as soobin steps forward more and more.

“not again. i won’t let you get away with this.” soobin picked up the murmurs of kook harassing his female employees once in a while. it is only suspected that the girls in his group might be his next victim. he didn’t think it could be you. the regrets he built for letting you in with his and his friend’s way are showing again. but he won’t let the man win twice.

the drunken kook slides forward, fist high up, and soobin shielded with his forearm. punches were thrown as soobin tried to defend himself from him, getting a few cuts from the rings on his hands. the boy’s eyes drift to the papers flying as kook is thrown near it, writings on the paper, and a table full of numbers and a few lines of ink on it as soobin continue to fight against your assaulter. the man’s fist hit soobin’s nose and his head is thrown back with his body stumbling. he could feel the blood coming out of his nose as the memories of combat he learned back in his previous life come back. that’s when he picked up your whimpers as you covered your head, getting heavier and heavier.

soobin tried to reach for you as kook grabs him from behind, letting him see you scream in excruciating pain as you drop to your knees. the image of you kneeling and falling on the ship’s deck flickering in his eyes as he punches the man’s gut with his elbow before giving one last punch to his face, knocking him down onto the empty cardboard boxes that their ingredients came from.

he rushes to hold your body as your body becomes limp and your breathing shortens. the tears falling from soobin’s eyes as he sees you becoming unconscious in your white tank top work outfit. the blood running on his face drops to stain the white as he brought you up, letting your head in the crook of his neck as he sobs.

“no…” soobin begs.

“not again please, darling.” he soothes your back as he recalls what the deity said upon his wishes.

“the memories she will get of you will be accompanied by the sense of stabs being pierced into her body. she will become strong enough, but don’t bombard her with too many things as she might die from too much pain.“

“(y/n) please.” soobin sobs, resting his face on the crook of your neck. your skin is cold against his warm touch.

that’s when he sensed something caressing the side of his body, rubbing the side of his abdomen before he leans away. your hand smoothes down on his red-splatted white tank as he brought his eyes to yours, hearing you mumble unintelligible words when you open your eyes, seeing the tears flowing down the corner of your eyes when he sees your eyes enlarged.

“it’s you,” he heard you mumble, raising the hand that startled him to his face, letting it caress his wounded cheekbone as you can’t close your mouth tight. your body shook as you mumbled.

“it’s you, pan.”

“you remember me? do you remember us, darling?” soobin whispered as he sees you nod.

-

it’s weird to learn again about someone you used to love, especially with your fragmented mind now being whole with the epiphany that you’ve experienced in soobin’s arms. in pan‘s arms. as you remembered everything, even with your current situation close to his warm figure, your knowledge of the world transforms from within you. you couldn’t rebut anything as the doors of your memories are unlocked one by one.

but you can’t bear to let it out to the boy holding you. could you trust him? is he the boy that you knew? the boy that brought you to the island? the boy who held you in his arms as your light dims along with your fading life?

your trembling body sat up against soobin’s thighs. you try your best to wipe the blood off his face before he hugs you so tight, it took your breath away. in the circumstances that you live in, memories of your moments with him show up more and more when you let soobin hold your face in both of his palms. you now recognized why you’ve felt a certain way with the forest in your grandma’s back garden, the boys you adore in your fairytale book. it’s because of him. it’s because of him and the boys you lived with on the island that your grandma read and you imagined in your mind.

his eyes glisten with tears as he leans in and give you a peck on your cheek. yet you don’t know how to react. should you wrap your arms around him? should you pepper his face with kisses? should you grimace away as you try to collect yourself, hurting him instead?

soobin leans back as you stare into his eyes before letting them fall away, turning to see kook’s body laying on the floor. he follows you, hands unclench from your body as he relieves you.

“did kook touch you? i swear if he did then-“

“he...” licking your lips, you compose yourself. pushing your thoughts to the ones created before memories of him come back. “he is drunk, soobin. it’s- he is trying to tell me something but in a jumbled way. then my head hurts once again. i tried to tell him to give me space. he then pressed forward yet he couldn’t articulate his words to me. that’s when you came.” you look towards soobin before back at your boss.

soobin lets out a sigh as he helps you stand up and lean against the surface. he goes to his locker to take out his phone and call someone as you stare at the scattered paper on the floor that is supposed to be your job to analyze—papers that kook pushes for you to hold. you see something in his eyes grow like a person just realizing something out of horror. it's as if he was forcing you to pick it up with his unintelligible voice. or that he could be in danger. with your weak body but subsiding pain, you scoot down and gathered the messy papers in your hands so that you could put them in your bag and analyze them back home.

footsteps are heard on the floor above you, approaching the stairs. mingyu steps down from his office area, seeing his friend hammered on the floor before gazing at soobin’s battered face and you behind your locker door. your boss shakes his head as he helped pick his friend up from the ground. soobin approaches to help as you look at kook’s hair covering his face, the rings that decorate his hand covered with a tiny bit of crimson coming from being in contact with the younger boy’s face.

“he will forget this the next day.” mingyu juts his chin to his friend. “close the pub for me tonight, okay?”

you and soobin nodded as mingyu lets his friend be held upright by the boy before going up the floor and packing their stuff. the room is too quiet that you can even hear your breathing, even kook’s who you know is alive but unconscious.

the rest of the workers stare as they watch both of the bosses walking out with soobin helping kook into a cab before it goes into the dead of the night. a few of them give a glance at you and how you also have blood on your white top as chaewon approaches you, not as sober as you are now who has conflicted thoughts.

“did- did he touch you in a way? cause if he did, i’ll punch him in the nuts for y-“

“he didn’t.” you’re piecing the long story into a short one to tell her in that short moment. “he’s drunk and soobin stopped him before he did anything that threatens me,” you replied, feeling another hand wrap around to find jaemin trying to hold you up as soobin returns inside, telling the others to continue cleaning up. you just want to think about anything else other than your newly discovered memory of your fairytale-like life.

when all six of you went home, soobin stayed beside you at all times as your brain sobered up, you see jihoon and jaemin helping chaewon and suhyeon each. your heart beats inside you as you don’t know what to say to the boy that “save” you late in the night—you’re not going to be surprised if dawn is approaching minutes away.

staying back from the crowd, you perceived soobin’s hand wrap around your shoulders, his defined muscles resting on them as he guide you home while the others stayed at the front.

you and the rest of the girls giggles as you stood in the moving elevator with the rest of the boys just letting out a small smile between the reflective interior of the walls. all of you helped each other settle one by one as you visit their apartments, you’ve visited chaewon and suhyeon’s before—when all of you tried the clothes you’ve bought—but you’ve also now seen the living areas of jihoon and jaemin for the first time. each of them having a distinct style that is so “them” respectively before you said goodbye and return to the hallway of your apartment along with your next-door neighbor.

when you see pan after a long while with your rowdy friends, you can’t help to feel a tug in your heart as soobin’s shoulders sag when he faces you. you stood in the middle of the hallway when you step towards your door.

your thoughts wrapped around each other. but you want to straighten up one by one and make your faint pain stop. and you knew who can.

“can i stay with you? today has been overwhelming and i just realized who you are and such. it’s…” your voice trails out as soobin steps and wraps your wrist with his hand.

“of course, you can.”

“okay,” you replied with a faint voice.

“i think you should put your stuff back at your place before you stay at mine,” he spoke out.

you look between him and your door as you nod and step away from him to go to your home. putting your shoes on the rack, you immediately go take a shower and scrub away the blood stain seeping into your top as best as you could. staring at yourself in the mirror, you wear a loose oversized t-shirt and pyjama pants that you always wear for the night. your footsteps take you towards your front door before you heard a rustling behind you. turning around, you find the plants’ leaves hitting the glass barrier of the inside and the balcony.

almost forgot. you said to yourself as you approached your watering can and poured water in it before you walked to your balcony. letting the water hydrate them, you let out a hum that grandma usually sings to make them happier and more energized. you recognize sprout’s moves as it takes the lead to dance like how you see grandma’s plants also do, making you giggle as the other plants try to follow it. not recognizing the notion, but at least attempting to.

“grow well for me, okay?” you mumble to them as you spot a moth landing on top of one plant, seeing its beautiful yet aggressive-looking patterned wings fluttering before resting on the leaf under the moonlight. looking as familiar as ever that you’re going to pin it to your mind to take a picture of it so you could identify its species. as you silently greet it, you then step inside and turn your lights off to let the moon shines inside and return to soobin’s front door. it is always a thing that grandma also teaches you as a moth travels with the moon lighting the night sky as its point of navigation. with all the unnecessary lights off at your grandma’s home, it won’t let the moths be attracted to other light sources—their biggest killer.

hearing the muffled ring from behind the door, your eyes switch between starting at the camera lens on the door and the wooden material of the door before you heard the familiar yet faint sound of the beep. the door opens into the small silver of a dark hallway.

“darling.” you heard the recognizable voice calling you as you could see soobin emerging from the darkness in a more loose white t-shirt and sweatpants. the short sleeves covered his shoulder, unlike the sleeveless tank he wore back at the pub. your eyes wander before staring at the wounds on his face which looks untreated and a dark-purplish area around his nose

“can i patch you up?” you murmured. it has always been second nature to you to heal something like healing plants from their sickness with the knowledge grandma taught you. yet, a certain push comes as your vision is cut off by a memory of you patching him and the lost boys up—pushing you to ask.

“yeah, you can.” he then pushes his hand forward for you to hold, which you put yours in carefully before he pulls you into the darkness.

when you enter, only small patches of light cover the living room, resembling fireflies you’ve regularly watched in your backyard garden since you were a child. and the fireflies you encounter back with pan as you both travel the forest under the raven sky. but it’s lit enough for you to see the sheer size of the main area. his apartment is bigger than yours as you scan the room filled with his paraphernalia that makes it pretty homey but youthful as well. your head turns towards him as he stayed quiet, letting you take a few minutes following empty walls to find the kitchen and a small dining table that is also larger in space than yours.

you knew about his childhood back in your “previous life”; the painful story that came to mind with a sense of concern. but you don’t know if he lives the same one in this life as well. if so, how did he get the money to buy all this stuff here?

footsteps follow him as he opens a door to his bedroom—all the units here only have one bedroom each—as you can find it is decorated in a more natural-looking style. a slab of wood sticks onto his wall, combining it with a few posters of musicians you recognized. his room looks a like a forest with the dark green accent wall behind his bed. the swirls of darker green created a shadow that looks like trees are planted and standing tall in his room. you view soobin, who is walking to his bathroom and opening its door.

“wait for me. i’ll search for the first aid kit.”

“i will,” you said back as you see the stream of light coming out of the bathroom.

your eyes travel onto the decorations littering his room. the way you recognized a few of the neverland-themed items is amazing: conch shells, glass bottles filled with colored sand, and a framed map of “neverland” like the one he had before with him, even to the way the map pictured the geography. you notice a pretty large piece made of glass shaped like a vase near the window of his room, hoses connecting to as it lets more than one people can use them in a single try. they continue to wander to his wardrobe and tables, clothes thrown on the floor but collected in a pile—reminding you of his pile back in the cave you called home.

you glimpse at his upright laptop of his on the desk with a notebook and an open book he marked on. stepping to approach it, you stepped onto something small as you look down at the night-lighted room to see something red. picking it up, you recognize it immediately. a swiss army pocket knife just like what you have; or what you had because you haven’t found yours in a while now.

as you placed the pocket knife on the desk, you heard the bed creaking, making you turn around to gaze at soobin sitting at the edge. his eyes go to you as he lets out a wide smile, the cuts and bruises on his face obscured by the small light source by his bedside table. your footsteps gliding you in front of the boy as you looked at the first aid kit beside him on the mattress.

“you didn’t patch it up on purpose, did you?” his eyebrows raised hearing your words, and his smile widen before he lets out a nod, earning a giggle from you: grinning like a child would when they’re caught doing something. you lean in to get the first aid kit and open it to pinpoint the basic medicines to help remedy his cuts. his bruise might need to be compressed with ice to let it heal later.

grabbing the antiseptic, you squeeze it out onto his cuts in tiny bits. his teeth gritting and breath hitches as you brush the medicine around with your fingers and let it spread to cover the wounds. you found three cuts on his face, one on his left cheek, one on his right jaw, and one on the bridge of his nose as you patch them up one by one. your heart palpitates inside of you when you caught soobin’s eyes staying on your moving ones—letting you catch him multiple times and he catches yours if you’re curious enough. soobin let his legs open to make it easier for you to stand closer to patch him up, his hands hanging near your waist.

“you know.” your eyes landed on his. “this reminds me of when you put those leaves on me to help with the sunburn on my face.” soobin spoke as you paused your action of smoothing down the strip on his nose. remembering clearly the moment he mentioned.

you were sitting underneath the coconut tree when you watch him and the boys playing kick the empty coconut. the sun was so bright that day, unnaturally bright as sweat even shows on your skin. yet, they played with no complaints. but when the boys return to the cave, you went to check on soobin to see him frowning. his cheeks have darkened a few shades.

“it’s stinging me,” you remembered his comment as you realized the sun had burnt him. your mind instantly thinks of one plant you remember that has a soothing component in its moisture that could help him.

soobin follows you as he puts on his signature white outer garment into the nearby edge of the forest you and taehyun forage in. the plants greet you as you asked them the specific plant you’re searching for, pointing the way to the specific plant you need as you stood in front of it. asking it permission, it lets go of two of its leaves as you help it grow back the leaves with your green fingertips.

pan was sitting on the small boulder as he stares at you doing your own thing before you step between his legs, letting his hand hold you by your lower waist. so intimate, you thought. you remembered as you can hear his sighs from the cooling sensation meeting his burning skin, letting both of your thumbs caress the leaves down on his cheekbones as he looks at you with love in his eyes.

just like what he is showing to you now.

you smooth the strip to let it stick before tilting back to see his face clearly. his eyes still hold that familiar loving gaze at you that is giving you a shiver, but you don’t know how you can reciprocate it with everything that is crossing your mind now.

nibbling your bottom lip, you move to sit beside soobin as you help pack the first aid kit back before putting it on your lap. a long sigh comes from you as something grasps onto your hand, looking down to see his on yours. with the way he touches and soothes you, you want to reciprocate so badly. but the doubt comes in once again as your mind is still in a mess from tonight’s incident and your unanswered questions are answered all at the same time, at the same moment.

“i…” you sucked your breath before turning your head towards the blond boy. “i miss you so much.” his fingers tangling with yours.

“i miss you too,” he replied before you shift your head towards him. the emotions you’re experiencing are overwhelming. the way each memory now comes to you is not with pain but with ease is perplexing when you now remember who he is.

“i should’ve remembered you when i heard the name soobin and your blond hair, realizing it was the same blond hair being represented in a book with the title pan,“ you whispered, letting giggles out from him. the sky is dark outside but it calms you both down when a yawn emerges from you. turning around, you listen to his chuckle as you let him pull you.

soobin opens his duvet to let you in as you lay down on his bed, which is bigger than yours. your body was stiff as you stare at the dim and now dark ceiling as soobin turns the lamp off. your eyes adjusted to the room as the light from outside the window helps you to see. movements on the bed making you more alert as you can feel your heart wanting to jump out of your chest. your hands are tugged above the duvet when you perceive his now familiar touch grasping yours once again, making you turn your head towards the boy who has his body turned sideways towards where you sleep.

following him, you let the light from the outside caress the side of his body. his face relaxes as you lean in closer towards him, letting your free hand reaches to him and caress his face—the different texture of his soft skin to the strip that covers his wound.

“you must be waiting so long for me to remember if you knew about us,” you speak your thoughts as he replied with a hum.

“i was. but it was worth it. i want to have you back in my arms again when i finally knew who moved next door. but when you don’t react the same, i knew i should take a long route.” soobin replied, leaning his cheek into your palm.

“i feared that you won’t remember me.” he lets out a sentiment before he lets go of your hand and let it trail up to place underneath your jaw, letting him caress your neck as he can feel how your pulse is so quick because of him.

“is it only us who knows this? i’ve been putting a peg on the lost children and how similar they are to the lost boys. even kook and mingyu too with hook and his first mate.” you questioned. soobin’s eyes cast downwards as you waited.

“only we know. their aura and demeanor resemble them, but i don’t think they remember anything. maybe it’s because their look is not the same as us who are, piece by piece, the same person,” he answered, hearing the rustling on his bed as you scoot closer. wanting no one to hear about this, as it is only both of you who know this deep secret in your life.

every memory of him comes back right this instance and how you spend many nights like this. talking instead of sleeping as your curious mind melts in with his curious mind; child-like curiosity that lets you figure out the world with open eyes.

“how do you know this could happen?” you let out a question you were dreading. with all the things you have faced in your life, you didn’t know you also have one before it. that’s why you’re so attracted to pan and the boys, because they are your friends. after all, they are your family, and because pan is yours to call.

“do you remember how you believe in another chance in life?”

your breath hitches and your eyes widen as you stare at soobin.

“this is it. isn’t it?” you mumbled as soobin lets out his signature dimpled smile.

“and i knew that i’ll find you again, right?” soobin replied as you nod, letting him move you closer as you rest your forehead against him. letting his warmth combine with yours and envelop both of you as your tired body can finally rest.

“how do i know i should trust you?” you mumbled as you felt soobin’s breath combining with yours. finger trace your jaw before cupping your cheek.

“may i kiss you?” he asked gently before you let out a small nod, letting your nose tip touch his before he tilts and slot his lips into yours.

the kiss was gentle, yet familiar. the memory of your first kiss in the middle of the forest comes back as he asked you to stay. the memories of neverland from the joy to the sorrow coming back, as it finally landed on the time you die in his arms. recognizing the distinct warmth that is his once again.

you close your eyes as you sleep near his face—letting your nose and lips near his, you listened to the sound of calm rolling waves once again for the first time in your life. the sound that always comforts you when you sleep in soobin’s arms.

“you can always trust me.”

-

“i knew something was going on between the two of you.” suhyeon pointed with her forefinger at you who was sprawling on the couch of chaewon’s apartment. your t-shirt sticking to your skin with your legs almost giving out on your way home. a tired smile shows on your face as you gaze at the boy sitting beside you, letting out his sheepish smile and resting his arm around your shoulders. the sound of ice cubes and lemon in the glass of gin and tonic on your hand shakes as you giggle with your other three tipsy friends.

you trusted soobin’s words as it was the last vibration you heard before you push into your next phase of sleep. you believe that he’s telling the truth as you woke up from a great slumber and greet him to see he made your breakfast that day. and since that day, you try to rekindle your love for him back.

it’s admiring, really. how patient soobin is with your relationship as he helps you remember things and reminds you of things he did with you back on the island, even exchanging mementoes you recall with each other. you really want to tell the others how they are back on the island, but soobin stops you as he doesn’t want them to hurt you if they say they don’t remember.

“i’ve tried hinting it to them but there’s no use. they won’t remember.“ soobin complained.

so you let go of that notion and let your relationship with soobin bloom once again.

he has taken you on three dates where only the two of you are present. one of them is at his campus. he lets you stay with him at the library while he is doing an assignment—letting you chime in with your opinions that could help as you give him a few kisses on his head for encouragement.

your second date was when he took you to watch a play hosted by his campus theater club. the handbook they gave you says it’s a rendition of a midsummer night’s dream and soobin rambles more because this play is the one he analyzed last semester. you let out a chuckle as you see how his eyes gleam in glee as he stares at the actors performing on stage, even mumbling out a few lines he remembered. you kiss him on his jaw as you try to stop his jaw from dropping from the performance, lighting, sound effect, and many more.

the last date was when he and you set up a picnic at the park after both of your shifts at the pub is finished for the day. you finally discover the food he was making as you weren’t allowed to enter the kitchen—your rotating job that day was as one of the servers.

back when he and the rest of your friends visited your unit for dinner, you told him how the foods you made are from your grandma’s recipe book she wrote for herself and for you to keep—showing them the book as they discover the various foods in them. you didn’t realize that soobin took pictures of a few of the recipes to be your menu for the picnic. you were in awe at how similar the taste it before soobin showed it to you, letting laugh in the middle of the night at the empty park.

then, he lets you try a few puffs of his cannabis vape too as you share a bud of his earphones. psychedelic music playing.

“it’s gonna be trippy but you should relax your mind and let it take you away,“ he chimed.

your mind flew to other places with your hyperawareness. the touch of the grass is much sharper but you sensed something more as it energized you, letting the sound of the music enters one ear and the other hear the rustling wind against the leaves. soobin’s giggles almost all the time as your mind calms down before you’re being brought into a giggle fit you don’t know how to stop. letting your head rest on soobin’s shoulder as you stare at the view of the empty lot and the sound of a running stream from the bridge near where you sat.

remembering the nights you had with him just like this, even with your friends.

your plants seem to recognize the blooming feelings you have been feeling, and it surprises you how your potted plants and even the vines have flowers on them. some of them even grew a fruit which they let you pick.

that was the first time you recognized just how strong your emotions influence your connection to the plants and how with them in their flowering phase along with you, more butterflies and moths have gathered at your balcony as they eat the pollen and help spread it. you can’t help but also connected to the critters too as more and more came, remembering what grandma said, “you are one of them too, darling.”

and the thought that maybe they’re your ancestors crossed your mind as you see three distinct monarch butterflies always resting in your sanctuary.

this morning, before you went out with your friends, you find the three monarch butterflies you give the plants their nutritional needs when one landed on your hand as the other two follow. one of them is sitting on your green fingertips as if it knows how it does too.

“hey, grandma,” you spoke to the critter as it flutter its wings, happy that you recognized her too. you speak around with the butterflies—your mom and grandpa—when you see another color on the sprout. taking your attention away, you stare at the sight. its body larger than butterflies, a moth. you’ve seen this moth before with its distinct colors. a moth that you now recognized after getting help from a forum. the same moth that shows up in your backyard garden when you and grandma are drinking tea together, seeing it perched on top of the kettle.

“grandma, what is this one?” you point your fingers to the creature as it flutters its wings, greeting you.

“oh, this one.” grandma’s eyes glance upwards as she thinks. “i believe this is the garden tiger moth. you can see how its wings have a pattern similarly shown on a tiger’s or panther’s fur, right?”

you nodded as it flies and landed on your thigh. “hey, little one.”

“hey, little one,” you muttered as you look at it moving around on sprout’s petals. you have never seen this one in a while since that day and you surely don’t understand how it goes to your balcony in the morning sun where it should sleep with its companions. maybe, it has visited your balcony more than you know as it’s comfortable with it.

“i’ll let all of you stay with the moth, okay?” you push your hand out as the butterflies follow your others and rest on the leaves, saying your farewell before going with your friends.

you had a great time going to a music festival together as soobin stayed by your side at all times, openly telling the others that you are together right. which you both silently confirmed as you rested in chaewon’s apartment for another round of drinks.

“is that why soobin pushed me to cook up the other orders a few days ago? you were preparing her a meal?” suhyeon jokingly groans as jihoon nudges her, winking to let them know he knows.

“i was the one beside him when he took a picture of (y/n)’s grandma’s recipe,” he said before jaemin cuts him.

“then why didn’t you tell us? we could help be your wingmates, you fuck,” the tattooed boy comments, making all of you laugh as you put a hand on his shoulder.

“it’s okay. we’re both happy together now. with and without a wingman helping us.” you reassure him as you heard suhyeon’s mumbling “but i want to be your wingwoman, soob.”

“okay, i owe the four of you something now.” soobin replied as the others giggle including those who sees soobin slapping his forehead.

as you finished the rest of your glass, you finished your time together as all of you retire to your abode. you wanted to walk to yours when you sensed soobin tugging your arm, letting the force bring you to him as he wrapped his hands around your clavicle for a tight hug.

that’s when you perceived something hard against your lower back.

his breath brushes your earlobe as he traces it with his lips. your eyes enlarged as your hands reached his arms and grasp them, feeling something bubbling inside you. soobin’s lips trace your exposed neck before going up once again to the side of your ear as he whispers.

“i need you.”

your eyebrows are raised as you tug his hands off your body, letting you turn around as you tilt your head. you and soobin didn’t drink as much as the others, you are mostly sober with a slight buzzing on your head. yet his hooded eyes stare at yours with something different igniting inside him. his hand trails down to rest behind your shoulder as he pulls you into his vicinity.

“you need me?” you questioned as you let yourself get influenced by him, putting your palms on his biceps as your body rubs against his. the way your black graphic t-shirt blend in with his—the lost children’s style influence yours as you put away your light green and beiges to use darker greens instead. if you let your old self sees you, you might have been a much different person. almost unrecognizable. a gin and tonic lover who went out almost every night and hangs out with a crowd who are not in your realm. but this is what you understand as “spreading your wings.”

and you are spreading yours to embrace soobin.

“i want you. i need you. i crave you. i-“

you slammed your lips to his. your hands climbing up to his shoulder before pulling his head closer, tugging his soft blond hair as he nibbles your bottom lip, earning a quaint whine from you. your hands trail to cup his face as his tongue infiltrates inside your mouth to greet yours, letting it dance with each other as you can’t help about your muffled moans.

both of you are heaving as you let go. soobin’s lips are smeared with your purple matte lipstick—courtesy of jihoon’s recommendation as chaewon and suhyeon are arguing between the two swatches they chose for you. his hair and t-shirt are dishevelled from your grip as he jutted his chin between your door and his door, gnawing on his bottom lip.

“yours,” you replied as soobin lets out a smirk and wrap his hand around your wrist before pulling you to him as he punches the numbers in.

both of you stumble in as you tried your best to take your shoes as fast as you can, hearing soobin’s giggles as you throw your bag on his couch before you turn around to his gigantic silhouette illuminated by the few lamps on in the living room. he strides toward you and encompasses you in his arms, letting his lips return to their rightful place on yours. you perceived how his touch is seeping through the fabric of your top as he holds you where your ribcage is. you patted your hands down his front before meeting the end of his shirt. pulling upwards, soobin stretches his arms up high as you finally see his bare chest and abdomen after a long while.

you remembered viewing the exact thing as in neverland—especially with his signature dirty long white outer garment draping on his shoulder. his muscles are there and it’s enough for anyone to realize how fit he is without added effort and making him bulky. his figure looks more ethereal under the faint moonlight and yellow light coming from the lamps, making him look much more inhuman, especially with his unnaturally blond hair. your hand trails down his pectorals as he is trying his best not to push away from shivers, instead he lets his forehead and nose rub against yours as you trace the ridges on his body, in between his muscles on his abdomen and side.

it took you too long to admire his body quietly as you sensed his hands holding onto your hip, tugging your oversized t-shirt out of your pants. he gives you a peck before lifting the material as you let him. his eyes trace how your chest is covered in a sports bra—your favorite type of bra because of the freedom movement you get. you knew how unsexy it is but he didn’t care as he leans in to kiss your lips before trailing down to your jaw, neck, collarbone, the expanse of skin right above where your breasts are. biting your lip, both of your hands tug lightly on his hair as he bits lightly on your skin, seeing faint darkness form because of him and the dark purple makeup leaving a trail because of your lipstick stain on his lips. you let out a breathy moan as he trails his nose back up to the junction between your neck and collarbone.

“remember how i mark you here?” he whispered before giving a small kiss.

“yeah…” your hands trail down to hold his hands in yours before you felt him suck on the exact spot he gave to you in your previous life. a moan left out from you as your head remembers the memory simultaneously as he did it to you now. the night’s darkness masked both of you as the bonfire burns the remaining firewood when your curiosity caught you. you never told your parents how you knew about this stuff but it seems it’s a natural phase if you love someone. soobin lets the boys sleep elsewhere—something he rarely allows as he wants all of them to be secure—just to get you both alone and make love.

“can’t wait any longer,” he groans, pulling away as he caught you by surprise. soobin lifts you from the floor and carry you in a bridal pose. you let out a quick shriek, almost falling off before looping your hand around his shoulder.

his foot pushes the open bedroom door wider as best as he could before the sound of it slamming against the frame shocked you from the force of his foot, making you frown as he puts you to the ground before he lets out small apologies, peppering more kisses on your face. soobin smiles when you reciprocate and attached your lips back to his as his warm palm caress your bare skin. his hand tugs the end of your sports bra as he pulls it up. the tight yet flexible material is gripping onto your skin as he pulls it away, throwing it somewhere on the floor.

“i miss these two,” he mumble before attacking your left boob and cupping the other one with his free hand. your giggles subside as the pleasure wins once again. soobin continues his attack on your breasts with your hands helping his own trail down your body before cupping your jean-covered cheeks. your breathy moans are getting more rampant as he pushed more, one of his hands moves forwards to cup your core at the front as you rub it against him.

“it feels good to know you want me too.” soobin muttered. his touch, even with the layers, makes shivers run down your spine.

“i miss you too, pan. so much,” you replied, his hands unbuttoned your pants before he pushes you to the edge of the bed. your hands pushing your upper body up so you could see him crouching down and pulling your jeans off of you. your legs automatically helped, straightening them as your skin meets the room’s temperature. you lean your head back as his lips trail kisses from your ankles to your knees before to your inner thighs, your body jitters from the tickles and shivers. your hands fell out and now holding your body up by your forearms, you gaze down to watch him getting closer and closer to your core, squirming in his hold when you sensed his breath touching your wet underwear. he leans in and gives a small kiss to your covered core when you felt yourself gushing more.

“so wet.” he lets his nose tip caress your covered slit and clitoris before he sniffs. “you smell like flowers.”

his thumb rubs onto your nub—“he remembered” the words came into your thoughts—before looking up to find your face casting down on him. your body turns putty in his hold as your jaw slackens from how good it is

“darling. my darling,” you whine as he called you by your nickname, a faint slap of your underwear band that he pulled meets your skin as you catch his smug and darkened eyes resembling a much stronger look you hope you are showing to him. soobin’s hand encases your body between the bed and his body as he pulls your panty down, expecting him to throw it before you see him tugging it into his back pocket. his nose scrunches as he looks at your stunned face before he leans down as gives you a short yet satisfying kiss.

“go up the bed,” he commands. you scoot yourself up to his bed, sitting cross-legged as you wait for him who is standing by it. his gaze lands on you as if you were a piece of sculpture in the middle of a museum. he unfasten his pants as fast as he could and you notice his dark gray boxer with an outline and a dark spot at the end of it. you swallow your drool as you remember the first and only time you ever had a man’s member inside you. it was his. and you can’t even wrap your palm around him fully.

you exhale as he pulls his boxers off and his cock sprang up; the blood rushing down to his member as he senses the arousal all around him. soobin leans in and crawls onto the bed with you. you thought he was going to push you down and trap you under him like the last time you had intercourse on the island. he chuckles at your bewildered face as he lays down with his head on his pillow, facing up along with his cock standing tall. your mouth opens as you wanted to ask before he cuts you.

“come sit on my face.”

“i- what?” your eyebrows crease as soobin leans up and grabs your waist, handling you as you sit scoot closer to his head.

“please? you smell so good and i want to devour you. i couldn’t forgive myself if i don’t.” soobin said as you bit your lip.

“i don’t want to suffocate you, soob-“

“you will not suffocate me. i’ll hold your hips up.” he nods his head, trying to convince him. your gaze continues downward as you see his length twitch, the blood pumping into it. you as you let out a nod before you sit on your knees.

“face my dick, darling.” he returns to command. you carefully hover above his face, placing your other knee on the other side of his head. soobin’s hands come to resting on top of your thighs as he drags you down. you let out a breathy moan as his nose tip grazes your lower lips, making you lean forward and rest your hand on his abdomen.

“just like that, yes.” soobin murmured as you lean your body more forward, almost meeting his curving long length. your body trembled when you felt something wet against your lower lips. you tried your best to turn around, yet your physique doesn’t allow it. your jaw slackens and moans come out in a quiet and timely manner. as his tongue moves around and he gives a suck on your clit.

you leaned forward and trail your hand up to his erect cock, a hum coming from him as the slurping sound continues. you wanted to focus on pleasuring him too. that’s when you catch the drops of pre-cum coming out of him. this turns him on. this is also a pleasure for him.

your thumb reaches for the tip of his dick as you rub the liquid down on the tip. your body wants to grind on his face because of how sensitive you are as he holds your thighs down, not helping you at all. you lean down and see how the liquid looks like a bead of pearl, letting the tip of your tongue touches his head as you picked up his muffled groan from between your thighs. one of your hands reaches to wrap around his member as best as you can—still as big as ever as you remember it with how there is a gap even in your hold. you lean forward more as soobin’s grip on you slacken to let you rest your tummy against his skin, trailing your tongue up from the base to the tip of his head.

“hmm… fuck…” you mumbled as something pierced through your lower lips before his tongue returned. his digit pushes in then pulls out in a small rhythm as you tried to follow it with the hand stroking his dick, resting your lips against his tip before you wrapped them around it, enveloping the very top of it as soobin continues.

the build-up gets higher and higher as time goes on. edging closer and closer.

your body quivers as he added another finger in, making you cum without even warning him. but soobin’s groan tells you otherwise as he devours your release. as he pushed deeper and scissors you to prepare for him, you swallow more of him as best as you can, the edge of your mouth hurting from stretching it so much. your tongue caressing the side of his cock as you felt it at the back of your mouth. when your gag reflex reacts, you pulled him out and focus on breathing as soobin enters one more finger.

“ahh, soob-“ you moan. your nails gripping his skin creating crescent-shaped marks on his thighs as you lean forward and help stimulated him. soobin’s muffled howl continues as you finally hear him clearly. his head leans back on the pillow as he finally let you focus on him.

“fuck. i need to feel you more,” he spoke, pulling you off of him as you place yourself beside him. your hand is still stroking his cock. his face tilts to you as you continue. the way the pre-cum falls and mixes with your saliva is perfect lubrication. your eyes gaze and meet soobin with the same lustful gaze looking back at you.

you move around and straddle his lap. your folds touching his exposed skin, caressing the side of his cock. sitting on it enough so it stays in between you and his abdomen.

“shit. you’re so beautiful,” he commented as you tilt your head and enjoyed yourself grinding on him. your face turns as you sensed the sensation of the caress before it lands on a mirror sticking to the door of his wardrobe. even with how small you are from how far it is, you can see how you look like. well, how unrecognizable you are with your melting eye makeup and smeared lipstick combined with saliva and drool, resembling soobin’s lips under you as he left a mark on yourself, staining your thighs with the color on your lips.

you gnaw your bottom lip as you hold yourself up with your knees, grabbing soobin’s length as he reaches his hands out to caress your thighs.

“i love you, soobin,” you murmured. fly high much more above the clouds.

“i love you too, (y/n),” he replied as his tip nudge your prepared core and you let it slip in you. soobin’s hands move to your waist as your body trembles. the familiar feeling you recognize will only subside if you continue. and how you want to continue because of him. only him.

you felt him deeper as you let your butt touches his thighs. the way his grip on you tightens as you hold yourself up, both of your hands on his chest now. his eyes looking at you with stars in them, the moon shining perfectly on the side of his face, with the lamp’s color combining into a beautiful hue. you let out a muffled whine from how full you are because of him. the desire scouring inside you makes you want to bounce on him. but as you prepare, soobin’s eyebrows furrowed.

“you’re okay with this? it’s been a long time since we did this.” his gaze is full of lust but also cautious, rubbing your butt as it trails to where he can trace your lower lips widening to let his cock in, making you squirm.

“i don’t want to hurt you.” his ever-changing demeanor makes you melt in his arm.

“i- i can,” you spoke, moving on him slowly as his hold moved to your waist. even with the slow drag of you lifting your hips up and down on his shaft, both of you enjoy it. his thumb reaches up and caresses your right nipple, making you move your hands to his shoulder as you lean forward, letting your hips move on his length.

soobin reaches for your fallen hair and pushes it away from your face, letting his palm cup your cheek as his thumb caresses your lips before he pushes it in. you moaned around his digit as you continue to move on him, feeling his tip right at the edge of your entrance before falling down onto him in quick succession.

“that’s right. you feel so fucking good,” he mumbled as you nod your head, sucking on his thumb as you felt the other one rubbing your clit.

“ah! fuck!” you squeal. soobin moves his free hand to your upper back to push you closer. his tongue pushes out and circles your areola before sucking one nipple. your head turns down to see him marking your breasts. his blond hair tickles your nose as you sniff it, smelling a faint wood scent as you are being stimulated by many things. his shaft filling you, his thumb rubbing your nub, and his tongue and teeth giving dark spots on your chest.

your hips faltered as you let out a louder moan than usual, facing the headboard as you breathe as best as you can.

“hold on to me,” soobin whispered as you lower yourself on him and looked at his face. your hands grip his muscled arms as he bucks himself into you. his heels on the mattress and knees touching your thigh as he thrust up into you. you let your body succumb to him.

“that,” you reach to hold his jaw. “fuck. that feels so good.” you moan as you stare at soobin’s smirk, a dimple on his cheek as he reaches his hand to pull your hair back.

“you’re clenching on me so good. make this pussy mine. made it just for me,” he mumbled before slackening his hold. your forehead touches his as you lean down and kiss him hard. your moans are muffled as he quickens his pace, breathing and groans mixing with each other. eyes only focusing on his face.

“you’re mine,” he spoke, changing his pace into a slower one, but he slams deep in one push. your spent body taking him in as it gets deeper and deeper. his hand rubs your lower stomach and pushes it, feeling his enormous cock inside of you.

“say it back,” he said with a lower register.

“i’m yours.”

soobin groans as he pushes himself up and sat up with you on him. he attacks your neck as he lifts your hips up, thrusting upwards as you felt your g-spot being hammered multiple times and becoming much more sensitive. your eyes gaze at the mirror, meeting soobin’s backside as his muscles contort to hold you and push into you. his lips take bites into your skin as your nails caress down the expanse of his back.”

“say it again.”

“i’m yours. i’m yours,” you mumbled those words like a mantra as soobin expertly moves your hips with just his strength. more marks bloom on your torso and your neck as your nails scratch his skin, claiming him as yours too.

you pull soobin’s head from your body as you face his determined and lusty face. his eyebrows furrowed as you trace it with your thumb.

“you’re,” a thrust makes you moan. “mine too, r-right?”

“darling. i’m always yours forever.” he gritted his teeth as he said that, more determined than ever as you push your lips to him. your mouth slotted open as he pushes his tongue with yours. drools fall out of the edge of your lips as you chase your high. his thrusts continue as you meet your hips with his with the energy you still have.

“fuck!” you shriek. “i’m gonna cum!” you warned him unlike last time as you pant along with him.

“cum with me. i’m following you,” he mumbles as his eyes glance straight to yours and nowhere else. your hand resting on his nape as you look at how purple soobin’s lips are from your lipstick, faint black streaks are there too from your melting eyeliner from swear and tears.

your mouth slacken as a loud pornographic moan came out of your voice, clenching onto his cock as your eyes roll back from the immense pleasure as you felt your cum gushing out. soobin’s thrusts faltered as he lets out a moan, your hands holding his face as he cums right after you. your inside is warm as he fills you up, pushing you down to fit him inside. but even with that, you feel both of your mixed cum leaking out of you.

both of your breathing match each other. the room is filled with your breathing sounds and sounds from you moving against him because of the moisture between your bodies. you can't hold yourself to let out a smile as you lean down and kiss him, seeing him by the beach with the sunset behind him as memories of him gushing into your brain. his hands caressing your back and trailing down your spine. foreheads sticking to each other as you let the atmosphere come down and seep into you.

you lean your body close as soobin hugs you tight on top of him. chest on chest. breath by breath as you let your eyes wander on his face. how both of you blend in with each other. how both of you are the same.

“stay with me.” his voice rings. a memory of yours rekindles, both of your feet on top of the leave-covered dirt of the forest.

“hmm?”

“stay with me. move in with me. we can live together. sleep in this bed together. cooking each other food. all of those domestic shit we can do together. we have the floor for us as our cave in neverland but i wanna be closer to you.” his tangent stops as you stare at him, your mind conflicting with the smaller voices in you. so small that it isn’t noticeable as the doubt gets bigger.

“i’ll keep you here by my side. safe. happy. until forever.” his eyes let out those same eyes you see back in neverland. soft yet determined. but something spoke to you in the back of your mind, indecipherable, but you note it.

“how about my plants? my other stuff? i can’t just let go of that after having it here for months.” you voice out the doubt as his lips pouted.

“you could always stay back to them. i’m not gonna stop you from taking care of your apartment. i want to see you wake up and go to sleep every day beside me,” he reassured, caressing your cheekbone.

“please, my darling?” he pleaded.

your furrowed eyebrows soften as you lean into his touch, and let out a hum as your mind finally made the choice.

“i’ll stay."

-

that sentence rings in your mind until it became subtle and vanishes into thin air.

you kept your word. you stay with him.

a month has passed since you agree. clothes moved to be put beside his in the wardrobe. apartment left unattended with only unneeded stuff inside and your plants you still take care of. the status of your apartment changes from a home and became more of a sanctuary, bleeding its influence of only the balcony to the inside of the clean and tidy four-walled rooms.

yet, even with you not living there, you promised yourself that you didn’t let it go. the evidence of your hard work ever since moving here will still be there. but the time you spent there isn’t as much as it used to be. you now live with soobin. and now, your apartment has become a secret garden just for you and sometimes for your friends too. if you remember it, you went. but a secret can also be forgotten.

another month has passed. moments upon moments between you, soobin and the others have become one-on-one similar to how all of you were in neverland. even you can see some similar physical traits between the others and the boys who you could now name from memory. yeonjun, beomgyu, taehyun, and kai.

and yet, you don’t have that many human connections anymore outside of them. your other co-workers seem to ignore you even though they used to be friendly towards you. you used to take a break with them during lunch break—especially with aeri and jongho—but it changed. they seem to stare at you with caution and you don’t know why.

all of that becomes more prominent when you can’t seem to go outside without the other five with you. at least one has to stay by your side as soobin allows it. you trust them as you listened to stories of thugs bothering chaewon and suhyeon, making all of you promise to stay with each other and not go out alone. soobin kept his promise to keep you safe even if he always has to be beside you.

kook only talks small words to you at work. he gives no more ledgers for you to read after the incident. mingyu also greets you with a few words before taking care of his work. it was depressing to experience that, but when you come back to your new humble abode, soobin is always there to take care of you, either by cuddling you or pleasuring you in every inch of the living room.

and now, another month later, here you are alone on the balcony of soobin’s apartment as you see the light blue swallowed by the horizon; drinking your favorite gin and tonic with only a few droplets of it left. your mind is still reeling when you heard the news that he has laid you off from neverland. kook doesn’t even bare to tell you why and you wanted to guess it is because he is ashamed for the things he treated you to but months have passed since that. there goes your safety net.

“i’ll help you pay for your living costs,” soobin replied after you confide in his safety from the layoff, wetting the work dress that he still uses from the pub a few hours ago. you didn’t understand any better—non-city native playing the game to live in the city—so you confide with the people you trust, especially soobin.

and with you having no job and being under soobin’s care. you stay around the tower most of the time, helping the other four to clean their apartment units, buying groceries for the fridge and your “family” dinner at jihoon’s place, and taking an interest in drawing from the scrapbook you remember suhyeon gave you along side taking notes—resembling the few pages you’ve filled in from months before. you’ve tried your best to draw your friends, but you knew you could do more and so you continue with that, taking it as a full-time hobby, and might become a job opportunity too. besides, what is your other hobby you love and are passionate about other than drawing and journaling?

yet even within the six of you, you can’t relate to any of their struggles anymore. college, work, getting their own money, clubs, and many more. cause of it, you felt as if you are straying away. you wanted to connect more with them, but you don’t know how to connect it, especially with the other four and all the things they have that you don’t. you tried your best to reach out to them other than hanging out. you tried, but everyone seems to ignore you. no one answers your text in the group chat and no one answers your call until your data ran out. unless you’re the one replying to them, they never replied to you. it’s like you’re in a vacuum where no one recognized you existed. yet, you don’t know how to escape the bubble.

you’ve tried to confide in soobin again but he is busy focusing on his exams coming and you don’t want to bother him for something so trivial. if soobin is nearing an exam, the other four must also be doing that. and it makes sense if they ignore you. it just makes you feel more ashamed being so clinging.

yet, even with that, it doesn’t answer why’re you feeling weird.

it feels like you've fallen out of the world, realizing it doesn’t call or care for you.

sitting by the balcony with the near-empty glass, you consider sucking the lemon to have the taste of gin and tonic in your hand again. but if the drink you were drinking represents the world you live in—no matter how uncaring it becomes to you, you will not consume it and you rather leave the slice alone; just a tiny glimpse of what the world that you used to feel again. your phone is always near you as you waited for any notifications to come and ask for you, but no one reaches out to you unless it is necessary. you are now all alone as you could only look out to the unfamiliar view.

you’re forgotten by the world. and you just realize it now.

everything was normal. but what is this?

your vision is clouded by the sense of unfamiliarity with the view behind the fence of the balcony. but that is all you could do while waiting for soobin to get home from the college’s library for a study session with the others. the food you made is laid on the dining table that is meant for the two of you. the sun sinking down from this view is not the same as the one from your sanctuary.

your sanctuary.

an epiphany crosses your mind as you stare back into the living area straight to the front door of the apartment. how could you just remember it now? you should’ve visited there if you can. but the thought of that didn’t even cross your mind for the last month you’ve been living.

thoughts also clouded your mind as doubt comes in. doing the others’ services and taking care of them didn’t make time for you to even visit your sanctuary. you don’t want to lie to yourself, but is there a reason they made you forget?

the urge for you to stay being fought with the way your heart pushes you to go back to your place. rain hasn’t come since forever as you were under soobin’s sweet words last month. words full of love and care, even with his soothing gesture to calm you down as you got your last paycheck. words that let you cling to him as a rock and the way your other four friends lift you up too.

but it doesn’t feel right.

you push yourself up as you walk and walk, ignoring his pieces of furniture as you put the glass on the coffee table and you walked out barefooted. everyone was outside, no one can stop you now.

every conversation for the last three months is running in your mind. and you found a thorough line to it: everyone on this floor seems to stop you from getting back to your own apartment. hypnotize by a force to make you stay with soobin. and they succeed. they comment in bad ways but all of them have said the same thing.

“soobin will be disappointed.”

and you didn’t want to disappoint soobin. you didn’t want to disappoint your love.

but why should you visit your sanctuary disappoint him?

yet here you are standing on the door right next to it. the alarming beep rings into your ear as you tried your best to find a hint in your mind of what the passcode is—it’s been so long since you’ve been here. your mind buzzing with worrisome before a memory knocks on its door.

“the group chat,” you mumbled to yourself, recalling a message for all of your friends’ passcode in it. opening the chat, you type the right keyword as a list of six appears. the list of passcode for all six units on the floor. you stare at yours as you make out six digits that are so familiar.

the birthdate of grandma.

“grandma…” you mumbled. it’s been a long time since you hear the word too.

the hesitation comes as fast as a shooting star as all the memories that were pushed back of yourself and your home are pulled into the limelight once again. you put the passcode in as fast as you can before barging the door open wide as you see the glimmer of the sun still enter the room from the outside. hoping to look at your clean living room and area that you left.

but what you find is different.

vines crawling inside your living room on top of your couch and all over the tiled floor as they all are reaching towards the front door. but when you inspect them closer, you didn’t feel any sense of liveness from them. all of them are dry, crumbling under your touch. your feet carefully step between the empty spaces of the growing vines as you step into your sanctuary. the sky is still lit enough to see the leaves' silhouettes, but dark enough that you didn’t instantly notice that they lost their signature green colors.

your beige pants blend in with them as you turn yourself around, seeing all the plants in the pot have wilted. strong stems and leaves crinkle with no nutrients and water. their dried leaves under you every time you took a step—inspecting how badly you’ve treated them that they’re lacking on things to live. you picked up a small shake piercing through the sunset’s wind sound, shifting to detect the source from a daisy flower with most of its petals fallen on the soil. a gasp emerges as soon as you see it and you approached the flower. you touch its stem lightly—none of the green shows up on your fingertips.

“sprout?” you mumbled to it, eyes stinging as your vision blurred from the tears after seeing what happened to your precious plant. it waves its leaf to you—a small force from anything and it will fall. you pushed your might to make your green thumb back, to at least redeem yourself helped it after having it under your care for a long time—your first plant. but after the reduced usage of it for the past three months, you didn’t know it will affect your skill this way.

these plants were supposed to be under your care and you failed. your palm opens under sprout’s leaf and a small blow pushes the leaf to fall to join the composting petals, landing on your hand. the tears break out and streak down your cheek as the magical feeling of the sanctuary dims along with the sun down the horizon. your eyes trail the vines that have entered from the balcony door when you realized what they wanted to do.

they all wanted to reach for you. to come back. but their anatomical limitations failed them.

you failed them.

your knees buckle as you sat among the plants you promised to care for, their lives dissipating from you as you didn’t care about the soil on your fingers staining your cheeks. you rub your face to wipe the tears as your guilt cascades out of you. just realizing what your carelessness has gotten to them, and what the others have stopped you from doing. breathing becomes unbearable as your head hurts. that is until you felt something caressing your hair-covered cheek.

turning towards the source, you find a moth gliding next to you. its wings flutter as you can trail the intricate motives on it.

the garden tiger moth.

it flies into your open door of the unit as your eyes watch. the urge to make you follow the critter is pushing for you to stand up and observe what is it doing in your apartment.

you pursued its silhouette as best as you can but you realize how agile it is as it enters the bedroom quickly. when you approach it slowly, you see its shadow on the wall across from you as it lands on pieces of paper on the desk. pieces of paper that used to be the ledgers you get from kook. the last one was from the day of the incident.

stepping closer, you approach it as you met its white-colored back of the paper. your hands pick the paper up as you search for what is interesting on the paper before you turn it around. your eyes catching the numbers printed with scribbled notes. all of them are crossed out multiple times as you find one that is clean. weirdly clean,

“i have to tell (y/n)…“ you read it loudly to yourself.

“go on.“

your head lifts as you searched for the voice that sounded familiar but then find no one around except for you. your eyes continue scanning the paper you find now before returning to the stack of paper. he gave you more than one sheet that night, you recalled. you pick up another one as you flipped the paper over, finding it full of marker scribbles as a few of them are readable enough for you.

i’m here to tell you, (y/n)

please believe me.

you pick up another paper to examine readable writing that you need to decipher longer before you pick up more and one last one as you turn it around. words written crashing down the ink from the printer, the numbers swallowed by the black marker’s ink as you were met with a phrase.

soobin is not what he seems to be

“soobin is not what he seems to be.” the voice sounded once again as you look back up, still finding no one as you gathered the paper in your grasp.

“who are you?” you mumbled, sniffing your runny nose from the leftover emotions you let out. you walk around your room as you near the mirror you bought along with the wardrobe. walking past it and giving a small glance, you didn’t find yourself in your beige pyjama pants and soobin’s oversized t-shirt. instead, you were met with a figure wearing a long flowy white dress. you see them barefooted as specks of red are on the ends of the dress. letting your eyes trail up, you finally discover the figure’s face.

it’s you.

you jumped before stepping closer, seeing the moth now resting on top of your head before you see yourself smile.

“i didn’t think this would work.“ you see yourself speaking from the mirror, but you didn’t even move your mouth in real life, only your reflection. the moth landed on your head as you return to the frame.

“i’ve been watching over you ever since you lived with your grandma, darling.“ you put two and two together

“who are you? and are you the moth?”

“i’m you. well, you from the past life. where we flew to neverland with pan and meet the other boys.” you let out a small smile as you lean down to peer at the bloodied dress.

“well, yes, i am the moth that you’ve found where you were a child. the moth that visit you in your first day here. the moth that stays here at night to take care of you. it’s been fun befriending your ancestors. especially your grandma and mom.”

“you mean the butterflies?” you nod.

“it’s your family, all of them even outside of the monarch species. there is a reason your grandma said to you to spread your wings. she always knew your lineage is connected to the butterflies just like i do with the moths. similar but not the same.” your eyes are trying to read your face as you search for the right words to continue.

“she is so proud of you and everything you face. adulthood is hard and even i could say that when i didn’t even live past 20 years of age. but after what you’ve become from the last three months and how you left the plants alone. she didn’t visit as much. i was mostly alone trying to help the plants but there is not much you can do in a body of a moth.” hearing it, you stare down at the floor as the guilt pushes you, your movement heavy because of it.

“why are you telling me this?” you said, nibbling the inside of your cheek as you glance back at your reflection.

“though you have your memories back, not all of them are there. i’m here to help you open them. there is a reason you see me like this. there is a reason that your last moments with soobin were with you in his arms.” you showed the bloody dress and dishevelled hair.

“because of kook stabbing my back, right?”

you recalled the memory of it in your mind as you and soobin had a pillow talk. just another night for him and you to open up about yourselves and your memories coming back. that night, he mention how you died in his arms. how hook stab your back as he kidnapped you. your memory of that time was chopped into parts you don’t know how to assemble them. and even with you pushing yourself to remember, it’s not there and now you’re hurting yourself too much.

“no. we’re the one that is asking him to do that.”

what?

eyebrows raised, you stare at yourself as you see your reflection’s sullen expression.

“why is that?” you continue.

“i will help you but brace yourself. this is going to be painful. please close your eyes, (y/n).“

the tear pooling from your eyes falls as your eyelids close. lasting words echoes in your voice.

“trust me, (y/n). i am you.”

you heard waves and your body swaying, standing on a not-so-stable foundation. you tried to move your body when you lean back and met a sturdy beam. wooden creaks masked the crashing waves as footsteps come closer.

something lifts from your head as you grimace from the sunlight hitting you directly even with your closed eyelids. they’re blurry as you opened them. your head is pounding as the sun hits you when you take the salty smell. a specter standing before you as it slowly taken its more recognizable shale—a triangle shape on the top of human figure.

“good morning,” an familiar voice calls out to you. your gaze focuses on their tattoos peeking out of the sleeves before they rise to see the piercings decorating their face.

“who are- ah gosh!” you exclaimed from your aching head, looking sideways as you recollect your thoughts back one by one. the captain in front of you lets out a chuckle as you hissed away, shaking your bounded hands as best as you can.

“hope you had a good sleep. you being drunk last night makes our job easier,” the pirate answers as he stood still, seeing you recover yourself before your eyes focus on the moving commotion behind him. the pirate crews all are moving items here and there on the deck: tying the ropes of the sail, preparing gunpowders and cannonballs—your eyes travel above your head when you see the ripped sail from the mast you are tied to. all the pieces culminating in your head as the cogs in your brain move to put them into place.

that’s when it hit you.

they’re leaving. and they will be leaving with you.

“why am i here, hook?” you said with your gritted teeth, rubbing the rope against the wooden beam as best as you can. you knew that it might work as yeonjun taught you to cut a rope with a rock, even showing you how to do it when you helped him cut a trapped animal from one of the traps he use to hunt.

“that’s captain jeon to you, miss. i suppose because you live with those lost boys you called me ‘hook’ too.” the captain spits out as your gaze continues moving to observe the hectic ship’s deck. the urgency growing inside of you as you don’t know if you can conceal your hands from moving faster than they should be. the faster it will be, the better the chances of you returning to your commune.

but did you want?

“answer my questions or i’ll scream my heart out so the boy-“

“you’re here because you’re in danger!“

the captain’s words cut yours off to a halt. eyes narrowing as you stare at the captain, noticing the paper on his only hand with the arch of his hook nudging against your forearm.

“right as we want to talk with you about something. i heard you grumble to yourself about not being able to go home.“ the captain continues as your gaze on him is full of caution. but you don’t want him to know that when he spoke the words about going back home, you remembered your thoughts from last nights before going unconscious, even in the middle of the rum’s influence.

“we saw pan flying back from the other world holding a stack of papers. fortunately, a few of them were caught by the wind and fall to our area.“ hook looks down at the paper he holds before pushing one towards your vision.

“you couldn’t believe what we read.“ his words fade as you stare at the writings and a drawing on the paper.

MISSING

(y/f/n)

Description: Last seen in a white dress...

your eyes gaze down at the words before you stare back at the illustration above the name. a sketch of your face that resembles as close as you look. looking down once again, past the big words of where to report and the informations of your appearance, you see words written in cursive. an afterthought that someone might have wrote as you read the words one by one. eyes widen when you understand what is implying.

please bring our darling back.

your heart tugs within you making you bite your lip. the leftover emotions from last night come again as you look elsewhere, shaking your head to not internalize the words.

“how, how should i trust you that soobin brought this back here? you could be lying and made, and-“ your running thoughts stopped you from talking. your gaze returns back to the captain, seeing a slight frown in his expression before he looks away.

“mingyu, bring the other ones.“ hook spoke loudly to his first mate, mingyu, when you heard the wooden sounded behind you—the area of the upper deck you could vividly identify from memory. footsteps rapidly approaching where you were tied as you notice around ten more sheets of paper identical to the one the captain showed you in his hands. some of the ink streaks makes the words larger and some of them crinkled under the sun—must’ve been picked up from the ocean’s surface as you might guess from a sheet of paper falling from the sky.

you scoured the papers one by one as your breathing becomes short. finding the exact same information even to the small cursive writing that is littered in different areas of each posters. not believing what you figured out may be true before you even see scratchier handwriting that a child must have written—one of your youngest siblings.

“they’re searching for me.“

your thoughts from last night came back to you as your drunken rage determines you to make the choice of going home because of how lonely you are feeling. even after staying here for longer than you remembered, you still miss your family back home. you can’t help but be to envious of your younger siblings as your mother and father spare you, but that doesn’t mean that you hated their guts because they live. if the posters said anything, they’ve missed their oldest sibling too.

the thoughts reminds you back to soobin’s plea to make you stay. doubts still are within you as you wanted to go home before he tells you how much they don’t worry about you. how he told you stories of his own parents and why he now lives here with the boys. pan’s arms are around you as you cry your heart out from how much you miss them. the unfulfilled promise he still owes you that made you that drunk last night.

how he convinces you so much that you believe him.

“is everything pan told me a lie?“ you said with a resolute voice, the rage making the vase inside your splinter into smithereens as you can’t help but let the tears that were prickling your eyes out and stain your cheeks. the muscles on your face contort as you felt folds forming from how you frown and blare your nostril until it became numb to your nerve how sore it is.

“we- we don’t know, (y/n)-“ his voice got caught off as a familiar moth flow to land on the paper. a moth you remember staying by your pot of flowers by your windowsill. its wings flutter as you stare at it, vision got blurry as you covered them.

instead, you were greeted with a white fog as you gazed at an intersection that you recognized to be where your home is located. you were idle as you stare down to see the end of the paper gushing from the night’s wind. you’re seeing the road as part of the poster itself, sticking onto a pole while being blown by the light gush of the night’s wind.

that’s when you notice a shadow rushing around the lamppost across from you that you see also have the same posters. the silhouette gets clearer and clearer until you take in colors on a person right under the streetlight. the familiar outer garment turned into a white coat as did with his tattered pants became clean, but their unnaturally blond hair stood out.

pan.

soobin.

his eyes gaze at the poster right across the street from where you at as you see him ripping it off and tucking it beside his other hand—where you can see how thick the stack is. he does that multiple times on the posters on poles and beams, picking away other people’s effort to search for your whereabouts. and as he pulls them off more and more, you realized just how much he doesn’t care about your status to the people back at your home.

his mumbling voice gets closer to where you at before he’s standing in front of you. you couldn’t say anything even if you want to. at this state, you were the paper that he will be ripping from where they stick you in a few minutes.

shivers run down your body as you met soobin’s dark gaze while he stares at the poster—you. when you look down on his image, the sleeves of his white coat are littered with maroon petal-like patterns. too unnatural to be done by a tailor. you can even smell the iron-like scent exuding from the patches.

“this world doesn’t deserve you, my darling. you’re mine to keep in neverland. and i’ll do anything to make you stay.“ soobin monologues to the drawing of you; his cold demeanor is something you recognized from the first months you lived as his neighbor.

“if it means i have to kill the people that spread these posters,“ he said with his clenched teeth before ripping the paper off.

the sound of it rings in your ear as you heard the rustling of trees from the shore beside the pirates’ ship. your gaze returns from the leaves as you see your bloody self between the captain and his first mate as you gave a nod.

“we need to get out of here.“ you find your resolution as you were met with a saddening gaze of yourself before you perceived something surging in your body. an alert of some sort playing in your head as your vision returns to the forest. the trees are moving from above, the branches getting tighter to form a barrier of some sort. that is until you feel something hurting you from the inside in a form familiar to a lightning strike, quick in succession. a few more painful slashes you felt within you as you can feel plants losing their links to you. all the plants that you have connected with throughout the island is telling you the same thing as more and more hits come to hurt you.

“he’s coming. pan is coming.“ you said with your might as strong as you could, holding the pain inside to not let the pirates panic. hook’s eyes widened along with mingyu before the captain commands his mates to hurry up. a slap on the skin is what you felt when the island’s plants are being cut off one by one, all of them are there to protect you and to let you leave with the pirates as fast as you can.

the captain is turning around when you call, “captain jeon.“

he turns towards you as your limp body leans forwards from exhaustion. but you held your head up high as you said to him, “if he comes closer to me, i want you to kill me with the dagger i brought.”

you knew about the dagger’s disappearance as you felt how light the sheath of it wrapped around your thigh. you remember it falling from your grasp when you wanted to attacked who kidnapped you. and so, you knew that they have it their possession. it will be a haunting memory for the boy to see if he is not careful enough.

“what do you mean, miss-“

“you know what he is capable of.“ you sniff your runny nose as the emotions are pouring out of you. “he won’t stop until he gets me back. and i rather die than be with his manipulative self.“

your vision reverts as you stare at yourself in the mirror. the weights on your words echoes in your thoughts as you finally recalled the whole truth that is also hurting yourself from within you. fists clenched as you try to bare it.

“then soobin came flying to the top of the ship’s deck with a machete. slashing every crewmate that fought for us before his powers explode around the human barrier.“

your eyebrows furrowed, listening to you talking as the exact memory is playing into your head. on how you tried your best to look away at the brutality and the truth of the boy you love so much. you soothe yourself from the pain in your head for learning the ultimate truth. a force within yourself is pushing back on something powerful to make you not remember. something that must have come from a being as strong as pan.

“blood and flesh splatter everywhere as soobin approaches us. he had a manic look in his eyes before untying us. i was numb in wretch and disgust for the boy i love to be as ignorant to other people. the blood of the crewmates stains our white dress as he hugs us. but you remember what i said to hook, and we felt something pierce through our skin from the lower back. the dagger he gave to us.“

you stare at yourself as you were given a bird's eye view of your memory. you remembered mentioning the dagger you talked about with soobin before he was being put off of it. but you called him out about his pocket knife as he immediately reply with “i don’t have a pocket knife.” something that makes you squint your eyes as you remember a certain swiss army knife in his possession.

your memories continue to play in your mind as you see yourself slump on the deck where you see soobin being held back by captain jeon. the pain surging through your body and your head getting heavy from the blood loss. that’s when soobin hits hook in the stomach before reaching for you, wrapping your weaken body near his own.

“i almost spoke our last words to him before death comes to pick us up in his arm as we lose so much blood, staining his already bloody hands to add more to his kill list.“ you continue to tell.

“i…“ your voice is so little only he could pick up. soobin’s tears fall on his cheek as your life fades away.

“you know what i wanted to say to him as i died in his arms?“ your old self asked as you stare at her in the mirror.

i love you?

i’m sorry?

those were what you thought before you hear the actual answer.

“i won’t forgive you.“

the words caught you off guard as you make sense of it. for sure, that is what you will say to him after everything that is done between you and him on that forsaken island. his restrictions to you to visit home even when he flew there to do his errands, his hold on you so tight that he won’t let you go until he needed too. the way he trusted the boys to take care of you, to be your guard in both positive and negative way. and also, the other beings on the island hating you might be one of the evidences of that—he doesn’t want you to be close to other beings.

“why didn’t these memories come to me when i remember?” you muttered as you stare at yourself, seeing the sagging of your shoulders as a tear dropped from your eyes.

“you don’t know. i know you don’t because soobin did something to stop you from remembering that.” you give a solemn smile.

“i was given a chance to see myself and neverland for the last time before death take me away to the afterlife. that’s when a sudden burst came from him. it killed those on the ship: hook, yeonjun, taehyun, kai, and beomgyu who arrived at the beach, and more people that i knew won’t have a chance to live because of his first outburst. but it is bigger in scale than i thought.” you inspect the blooming trauma in your eyes before continuing.

“every living being on the island was dead because of him and his selfishness. and it turns neverland into a lush island full of crimson.” you let out a frown, continuing to listen.

“so he take our dead body to the island’s deity’s altar and beg for it to give him a second chance to be with us, but he failed.”

your legs wobble, especially from the known information about him as you hold on to the mirror’s frame. how can he be so cruel to other beings? he is the sweetest boy you’ve ever met. but now, you don’t know if what he told you is the truth or not. what his actions is really from him or just something he want to portray to make you believe him.

“that’s when he purposed something. he’ll get us back and rip our memory of bad things involving him and our captivity by his side. in return, he gave up his powers, immortality, and the neverland island.”

“he’s immortal?” you then got a reply with a hum.

“all of the lost boys are immortal, especially with his responsibility to be the imaginary friend to children who is scared to grow up. he never wanted to do that in the first place, right?”

he never wanted to grow up. that’s true. all the lost boys never wanted to grow up beyond 18. beyond the cusp of adolescence and childhood. maybe he wanted you to be like that too, but you were mortal and you were knew to the place. the other boys got killed by his powers—maybe his power set transcends immortality.

“‘the great pan is dead’ was what everyone was chanting as he sacrifices himself. i watched from the nearby tree with clenched as the island lost its protector; all of them not knowing that he is sacrificing them too, just to get you back.”

and that’s why you’re back with your ability to connect with plants coming naturally—your gift of loving them back your home is embraced by the island’s magical rules. the lost boys are back but not in the same body. hook and his first mate is back and so are the pirate mates who are your other co-workers in the pub. maybe there were even more people like you back then who had elemental powers on the island. maybe they are there but soobin’s selfishness holds you back to discover and learn from them.

but what you are disappointed about yourself is how you can easily believe him after all of that. and now you’re here, getting back into the same cycle when he even made you forgot to take off the plants that you have promised to yourself, especially daisy sprout who you have been given since you were child living with your grandma. you didn’t have any choice to fight against the forces that pushes you to forget, before you helped by uncovering the truth.

“how about the rumors about kook at the pub?”

“it’s false. he might be the only other person to realize the reincarnation. the poor man was having paranoia as he tried his best to approach you and tell you about this as fast as you can. he forces himself into his subordinates’ vicinity so that they can remember about soobin. his hoarding of the money for the ingredients is his pirating tendency going on. but after that incident at the locker room, he might not even be sane with your layoff—wanting to get rid of you for his and his crews’ safety.” you sounded, rambling about the information as if you witness it yourself—maybe you did and that’s why you can articulate it so well.

“some foul play might also happen that even make you more dependent on pan. i would guess that he even convinced the two owners to let his rotational shifts be with you most of the time.” you continued as your mind runs in hyper-speed, connecting the dots one by one.

you breathe heavily, head in your hands as you try to soothe yourself as best as you can. but it’s not working. doubt always comes in like someone spying on you and you rid yourself of the mirror.

“what should i do?” you ramble on and on the same words, walking out of your room as your legs buckle and make you fall on the dead plants. your emotions are overwhelming you so much that it pains your body.

your body curling into a fetal position is natural for you. you let your tears wet the dead floras that you let down. breathing becomes hard as you hug yourself, regretting everything about the life you had now. the moth crawls on your figure as you heard yourself mutter sweet words to encourage you.

what should i do?

what should i do?

you sensed another thing on your skin as you open your eyes to stare at the hand in front of you, laying on the bed of leaves. you see a monarch butterfly moving about on top of your hand. one that exudes such a familiar aura as you can’t help but to greet it.

“grandma…” you muttered. it turns to face you.

“let us help, darling.” you heard the familiar timbre echoes to you.

more shadows of winged insects enters your balcony as they all land on you. yet, you don’t feel ticklish, you embrace them. they open their wings to protect you like a shield, covering your body from danger, temperature-wise or maybe physical danger.

as more of the lepidopterans rested on your body, more information came to mind. a highway of them built up as quickly as it can as you gather the information in your brain and process it as fast as you can. you couldn’t articulate each and every one of them but a few through lines were made: how everyone in this city is a reincarnation of every being on the island. sirens, fairies, and other beings you aren’t close with back on the island, even if you push yourself to before they pushed back. you find the fact more reliable as more moths gathered and introduce yourself to your network of information. most of them were the beings in the previous lives on the island. their apologies reverberate in your mind, them not being there with you.

“pan said awful things about you that we can’t help but believe. now we know we were wrong. he was trying to make us stay away to keep you all to himself.”

they all rested on your figure as you sense something wrapping around your forefinger. your eyes glance down as you see glowing green shining from beneath, repairing the dead plants as they move to wrap you around and even grow flowers for the insects to help, spreading life and information.

you are connected with both of them.

“how can we help?” you heard you ask, the garden tiger moth hover near your face as your antennae moves to capture what you were going to talk about.

“if what the moths said are true, that all of the people here are reincarnated from neverland too. we will deliver them a message. the truth. stealthily.” you sounded as resolute as ever, a tear falling from the corner of your eyes and landed on the plants that are healing themselves.

your antennae move as it receives your command. the critters and the plants now joining under your command as they surround you like a cocoon—finishing your metamorphosis.

-

for about two months, you dwell on your task to deliver the people of the city a message. the truth about their existence and the cause of the world they live in. butterflies and moths work in tandem to uncover the memories suppressed by the brain and the force that also holds you back. and every time you succeed, the plant life will overgrow and tackle the glass and/or concrete walls.

acting on intuition is becoming such a normality for you ever since everything changed, especially when it comes to your matured abilities. knowledge is coursing through your brain from the pieces of information you get, sending them to your plants to store and sort. getting even stronger with every overgrown plant that has grown because of people knowing the truth.

you play soobin well for someone that has been untruthful about your well-being in the past few months now, decorating his apartment unit better with a few trinkets that remind you of him and neverland. all of that is to not let him sniff the stronger flower scent exuding from you, the flower scent that might have been with you all this but elevated as your influence grew stronger.

waking up late at night is now a habit of yours. you crawl away from soobin’s arms and greeted the lamp-lit living area before you go to the balcony. you used to only gaze at the nightlife that is happening but now; you let your arm out across the barrier. the time to wait doesn’t take as long as when you started when an eclipse of moths gather and land on the length of your arm. the overflowing news makes you close your eyes. they dash behind the lids: gathering all the information that benefits you before you send them out once again. the prickling sense on your skin still lingers as you return to soobin’s sleepy figure in your shared bed.

“can’t sleep?” someone asked, startling you. you find the boy you were thinking of sitting up against the bed’s headboard, his blond hair in disarray. even from the entrance of the bedroom, you can see him squinting his eyes. goosebumps unconsciously form on your skin.

“ah, yeah… i went to get a drink.” you blatantly as you stepped closer, gnawing the inside of your cheek as you approach him. he didn’t greet you with his usual small smile before you practically kneel on the mattress as you crawl closer. he grabs your body into his, something so natural to him. a searing kiss follows as you reciprocate the best you can, feeling his tongue trying to push in between your lips as you reciprocate. soobin leans away as you breathe heavily before he sniffs the crook of your neck—the hickey he gave you just hours ago is still burning your skin.

“you smell like a bouquet of flowers more and more,” he mumbles. you can’t help but rub his blond hair, giving a hum as he continues to sniff your accented scent. yet your gaze tells otherwise. if one can see, they recognized that worrisome is growing in you.

even though you are trying your best to not question the changes in things that occurred and settle into your “new life” that is nagging you, you’re worried that soobin seems to figure something out. a day could pass and a new piece of information can change your standing. soobin might be glad you’re not as curious as you were back in your previous life, but you exchanged it with how meticulous you are now.

why does this bother you? that’s because soobin never wakes up while you’re awake to receive your messages and each time that has passed, he is getting more aware—exceptionally faster than the first month of operation. you can figure it out with how tight he holds you more and more, then how much he marks you as his on any occasion he can, even in visible areas so people could know you are his. the ring of messages is approaching the campus area you lived in and his awareness seems to get more explicit every minute.

but didn’t you like it that he holds you like his world? should you?

you rub his blond hair as he drops on the mattress along with you. his hands wrapping and pushing your torso to his so it stays close. you felt him nibble on the skin of your neck, which makes you let out a breathy moan before he murmured.

“wake me up if you’re gonna leave the bed. i don’t want to be left alone.”

your vision stares at the sunken pillow as you slip away from him before giving him a long kiss. his lips linger on yours as you give a small hum before resting your head on his chest. shifting your head to the side, you couldn’t hold back the guilt and disgust showing in your facial expression.

with your ability to know everything, you, the plants, and the lepidopterans work together to gather intel whilst you gave out the message. and as the edge of the city is successfully influenced in one try—letting the plants grow and fight the city itself. but as it comes closer to the campus area and your tower, the stronger the force to make them not remember is going, making you have to do more than one visit to each person. and you hated that it could let your critters get damaged, how you can even sense the minuscule pain from them just because they got slapped away for being too close.

after waking up from the cocoon, you felt more potent than ever when you see the chlorophyll green trails along the beds of your fingertips before arriving at your knuckles as you use more and more of your ability. the flower scent coming from you is getting more prominent in every iteration of new information, new messages successfully carried, and new buildings occupied under your supervision of spreading plants.

every time the whole five of them left the tower to do what they were doing—classes, their shift at the bar, et cetera; you returned to your sanctuary and only your sanctuary. you changed your passcode to something only you know. opening the door, you are greeted by the growing vine that is a few meters away from your door, a glow of green running about like ocean waves that illuminate your living area. your home became so lush that it inspired you to draw them in your notebook. the plants instead elevate your pieces of furniture so that it gives out a new aesthetic. and every time you return, you immediately rid yourself of the dirt-covered clothes so the others couldn’t suspect you of returning to your apartment, especially because of soobin’s biased opinion on what you can and can’t do that still makes your fist clenched.

you let your head rest on soobin’s chest as you can hear his heart thumping beneath you in a steady beat. calming you as you close your eyes, receiving many signals from the spreading insects and plants that help spread your message: to make them think intuitively and to make them remember the neverland island.

receiving so much news about people thanking you is overwhelming, to say the least. hearing their call of missing neverland and who they were made a bubble inflating inside you about how they could have just lived their lives without pan intermingling them into his wishes. how he took their lives away from them just so he has you back again. you thought the overgrown plants will receive complaints from around the city, but with your now-connected hive mind, you realize just how much they missed the greenery and the whole atmosphere of the island. because they aren’t weird, they are part of your lives.

you kiss soobin’s pouty lips goodbye as you see the others waving with their hands holding their various styles of bags before all of them step into the elevator to do their days full of classes and work around noon. as you heard the moving machinery carrying them down the tower, your smile falters as you paced to your apartment and press in your new passcode.

the glowing greenery decorates the entire apartment as you stepped inside, seeing the flowers and vines growing around with butterflies and moths resting on them as they turn to greet you in their own way. you pull off your slippers as you strode onto the bed of leaves that formed in your home, letting the plants welcome you as you let your refreshed energy transfer to them. your eyes transfixed on the large wall behind your couch full of vines bordering its side and smaller stems connecting in the middle of a large open patch. the plants illustrate an intricate map of the city, the vines growing slowly as your messages continue to be successfully sent from the edge to the center of the map: where you reside. where the resistance is the strongest.

the patch is slowly getting covered as you can identify the recognizable layout of the campus area. a small flower pinpoints the epicenter of the influence before it’s complete. you observed the vines approaching the block where the neverland pub stands, only in a few hours that their occupants will understand the truth.

kaleidoscopes of butterflies and eclipses of moths gather under your unspoken command before flying away to deliver your message, to make them remember who they are in the past and what their guardian did for the sake of himself. more of them left and come back to aid in your revenge as you isolate yourself for hours n a meditative state as the sun passes the threshold of the afternoon approaching sundown. very different from the isolation that soobin gave you. you’re more alive.

your bedroom is mostly left untouched by the growing vines as you walked inside it, replacing soobin’s clothes he told you to wear with your own overalls and a shirt that is grandma’s hand-me-down. you felt more like yourself with it, but you don’t know if you are yourself given the consequences of who you are. you aren’t the innocent (y/n) that first arrived at the city, but you are not the (y/n) that the lost children are trying to portray. the new isolated adventure you have indulged in has created a new you, resilient and intelligent.

however, when you spot the music box soobin gave you on your desk, your foundation makes new cracks. what will happen to him after all of this? you still care for him but you learned that by doing this, you might indulge his dangerous self more and more. his childish, possessive self that claims you like a toy in his possession. pan has good in him when he volunteers to be the island’s protector, but he should know that nothing lasts forever in reality.

maybe this detour adventure of yours will let him and you see who both of you truly are.

you picked up the music box and open it to see the recognizable siren song playing in an orgel-like style. the melody and harmony twinkle into your ears. you hold the music box and place it on the dining table as you look at the boulder with the siren spinning. your thoughts return to that incident by the beach where pan and the lost boys helped naïve you to fight the siren song. soobin’s eyes spoke so many things as the influence died down, but only now could you recognize an underlying rage in it. maybe he had that rage since he was a child, and that is why he can’t fully let go of his childhood.

your phone that is tucked in your pant pocket rumbles against your thigh. your eyes gaze at the open balcony door to watch another group of critters enters and exit from the sanctuary. pulling it out as you pushed the melody of the orgel away, you glance at the screen to find the name you didn’t expect. kook.

“hello?” you answer the call, eyes glancing sideways as one moth landed on your hand.

“(y/n), i’m sorry for laying you off. i-“ you heard the men sigh. “i’m sorry to worry you that much and for the papers.”

the moth confirmed what your suspicion is. “we have got through captain jeon.”

“thank you for making me remember.” he lingers on his last words a second too much before the line is cut. your eyebrows creased when you gently drop your phone onto the table beside the music box. you see the vines climbing up the table’s feet and intertwining with both of the items. your head turns towards the wall when you detect the greenery has reached where the campus is, already covering the location of the pub as it crawls faster towards where you are.

you should be glad, but his lingering worries you.

the end is near for your two-month journey of establishing the truth. the plants grow from your might as your worries making them glow in the early evening. your skin has an underlying tint of green that is climbing up to your elbows in the shining sun that is sinking. the strength to push is tiring. but you want to say that all of them deserve to rest knowing the unjustness they’ve faced, including yours.

you move to rest your hand against the fence that separates you from the outside, gazing at your doing that you can detect only a few meters away, approaching the tower you live in. greenery stands out from the grey concrete as the sky becomes darker, sun shining on them giving out a trim highlights to the dull buildings. some plants travel slowly but some are fast—some even make the already available grass patches more lush as you see from the campus yard from where you stand. yet nobody questioned it as you watch small specks of shadows flying about, landing on one person before flying away. you assure them through the critters that it is normal, they’ve seen it neverland. that they should be grateful for nature because, without it, a species might not survive.

but doubts come back once again—ethically. is what you’re doing too much?

you have let revenge and justice push you to act against what soobin has done to you and you let the world pay for it. the world he made so you could be together. so what if you destroy it? destroy him? just one shot and you can make it, but will finishing this take away your humanity too?

you didn’t pick up the frantic footsteps outside of your apartment before you heard the beeps from the incorrect passcodes entered. exhaling your breath as the green light radiates more of the room each second, you turn towards the small monitor that list up when you heard bangs on the door.

“darling!” you recognized the familiar tone muffled with the door. glancing at the monitor, the blond hair peeks from beneath the screen as he is getting more and more desperate, trying to break the door away if he could. beeps replacing the sound of air as you stare at the door with an empty face, approaching it with the hint of green still left on your forearms.

with a small click of the door and a small gap between you and him, soobin pushes and immediately captures you in his arms. the casual street-style black outfit he wears for class today is in shambles as he cups your face. you were met with a frantic, noisy face full of many emotions where you could identify two that stood out. rage and panic.

“(y/n), darling,” he calls as you remain in your blank expression, pushing your emotions elsewhere to your plants and influence so they could grow even under these circumstances. but even deep inside you, you’re trembling—one slight change and you can break down in his arms once again. your heart is beating under your skin as you push with your might. you felt one vine travel up your overalls and wrapped around your finger when your body suddenly moves from soobin’s hold as he pushes you behind him.

the sound of a rip cut through the vast air in the room as you caught a silver of his expression change from the boy before you were being pushed back. your expression instantly changes when you see him brandishing the swiss army knife he had to cut the growing vines that are closing to both of you when before he cuts them off in a swift motion, hurting you too. you hold on from groaning in pain as you listened to the ripping sounds and hurting voices within you, pushing yourself up to watch soobin cuts the sentient plants more and more. hands wrapped around his front, you hold him back with your strength as best as you can. yet, he didn’t stop even if you might claw his skin off.

“let me go! let me fucking go! they’re influencing you, darling!” soobin screams as you put all your weight to the floor to stop him from moving, wincing in pain as he gets a few slashes on them because of his long and unrestrained limbs.

“these plants deserve me more than you.” you spit out as he continues to try to move even under your grasp. looking away to focus on holding to him, you didn’t see soobin pulling something out of his pant pockets when you hear the sound of a click. a familiar click.

“i knew i should have burned these plants when i helped you move them here.” eyes widen from his doing, you watch the lit lighter dropped onto the bed of leaves in front of both of you as they ignite—combining the few dried materials along with your flammable apartment parts. you could feel them aching from within you. the moths and butterflies are flying to get to you, but they’re caught by the fire and its crackle that flew as it spreads.

your eyes glance at your fallen friends as you let go of soobin, pushing him away as you stare at your work all being demised. the walls started to burn as you can’t bear the pain, making your legs buckle under you as you rested on the patch that are unlit. you still sense the slashes from the pocket knife as an underlying pain, seeing soobin doing so—the cold demeanor returning to him with an expression of satisfaction.

“STOP IT! YOU’RE HURTING ME!” you yelled, curling your head into your hands. peeking between your fingers, you see soobin pausing his movement before turning around, approaching you with his hand tight around the handle of the knife.

“you should’ve never gone back here. i told you so.” his timbre is unrecognizable.

“and for what? punishing me? stopping me to know the truth about us? about you?” you shouted back as you lift your head and stare at him. the heat of the fire is surrounding both of you as you see the vines turning into ashes, reaching for you so that they could stay alive.

“you sacrifice everything back in neverland to have me back and yet you didn’t tell me the whole truth about what you’re doing on that ship. how could you?” you shake your head as you felt sorry for how he manipulates your thoughts about captain jeon from his recalling. how he also manipulates your perception of kook in this life.

“you could’ve just brought me back to let me meet my parents-“

“they won’t fucking believe you’re alive after you went missing for months, darling.” your breath hitches as he kneels to get closer to you. “you’re mine. no one deserves you more than me. and if i brought you back, they’re gonna claim you back.”

“because they are my family, soob-“

“and if they did so, you’re not going back to me. i know it,” he continued. his jaw is tight as he tilts his head. his eyes pierce into your trembling soul. “i rather ignore your wish instead so you’ll stay with me.”

“you’re fucking cruel. fucking selfish,” you spoke behind your gritted teeth. one stem seems to crawl out to you as you place your palm on them, trying your best to heal them. but it was too late as you felt the life dispersing from it, because of the fire that spreads too fast.

“i’ll do anything to get you to submit to me. that also means hurting you. those plant powers of yours shouldn’t work to fight against me. they are neverland‘s powers, to begin with.”

you almost wanted to believe him where your mind is scrambling to find the right words to say against that. that’s when you remember a memory of yourself in your past life, long before meeting pan and him taking you to neverland.

you miss seeing stains on your dress from playing at the park where fancy-looking people also enjoy themselves, trailing down a path full of beds of flowers as you grazed your fingertips against their petals, feeling them coil to the touch. how only on this island that you can touch them again and they reciprocate by wrapping their petals around your fingertips; missing you, as if they learn about you from the plants you sightsee back home.

no. the gift you have isn’t neverland-owned unlike pan’s. yours were there in the first place. even in another life, you still have it. your grandma has the same gift as well. you being in neverland only enhanced it. pushing it more than your capability. maybe there were people like you who has those gifts too, on the island or not.

at the realization of that, you sensed something bloom inside you. it tickles you as you see the familiar green glow exuding in your veins before collecting in your palm. you push it against the floor as it is lit with a dim green glow beneath the orange flame. your energy being transferred one last time to get the grasp of the plants that are hurting to help you. to sprout who you can feel is still alive somewhere in this room. to the butterflies and moths who are there to deliver your message. the souls inside them, your ancestors, the reincarnations, and your old self.

you let out an exasperated laugh, “yet you didn’t count for this, huh?”

pushing yourself up, you stumble on the patch as the fire steps closer to your skin. rising above the flame, balls of fire also float out of the surrounding fire. their flames dispersed and you finally saw the small bodies of the butterflies and moths that were with you in this room. the wings replace with flames as you command them to go away from your apartment and spread the message. more passionate than ever while you face the being that causes this world and city to appear.

“that is impossible,” he muttered under his breath before seeing you let out an unnatural smirk. dark green shade blends in with the skin on your arm.

you replied, “nothing is impossible in this world you made. pan.”

your clothes were burnt on the edges as the plants create a path for him to come close, reminiscent of the bubble wrapping that litters the floor on your first day here.. the charcoal-colored vines pull him in as you stand face to face. you would gladly beat him, but punching isn’t your best skill as you remembered back from training with him on the shore of the island.

“i should be like the darling in the fairytale book about us. leaving neverland to grow up, letting you stay as their guardian. now you brought me here to this fucking hell hole to be with you. you who-“ your voice is strained as you let out all the pent-up rambles that have travelled inside your mind for months.

“you who don’t even respect me for who i am.” you pursed your lips and shake your head.

“i was protecting you. your family aren’t as different as mine back in that life. i have to live with them again twice before i push myself to lash out and get my inheritance from them early. you know what they are like. and even if i brought you back to them, do you believe they care?” soobin argues back when you caught a small implication between him and his parents that made you angrier, shaking your head in disbelief.

“you didn’t even fucking see the small sentence written on that poster. they do in that life. in this life, they also do. grandma does and always will care for me even until her last breath. and if you say what you’re doing is caring for me. you’re fucking wrong!” you shouted, clenching your fist as you hold on. your head is swaying because of how much you are exerting, but you drive forward.

“nothing in this world is black and white, darling. look at what you’ve done. and you didn’t even stop it.” soobin opens his arms as you gaze around. the flame that was only burning the room now ignites the ceiling and your floor—hurting the tenants above and below you who aren’t supposed to be involved. your vision lands on the building across from you. the building that is full of plants make holes in the wall as you see leaning because of the lack of foundation. because of your influence to let them recognize that nature will beat concrete and it endangers the people in them.

“i’m doing this so i can have a chance with you once again. you know you want to when you asked me the exact thing on the island.” soobin approaches you as you turn around to face him. his countenance mirrors yours, who has tears running down your cheek.

“you promise me an adventure in our previous life.” you swallow your breath and stabilize yourself as best as you can. “yet you kept me like an animal in a zoo. you kept me in this beautiful paradise of a cage and limit me from anyone.” your glare spears through to his barrier. yet he throws his face away and scoffed.

“then stop spreading the plants to make it better. you’re hurting people.”

“you hurt ME.” you pointed your finger to your chest as you stepped forward. “and you hurt them too when you sacrifice them to get me back.” you rubbed your hands against your hair, wanting to rip them off your scalp.

“these plants and my ability to connect with them help me stay sane back on the island. the same thing is happening now.” you step back to fully look at him as you continue. “i know that every person in the city is related to neverland. every siren and mermaid i never met. every fairy and magical being on that island that loathed me under your manipulation so i could stay with you. with what i’m doing, i’m telling them the truth, soobin.”

tilting your head, you sniff away your runny nose and let the tears streak down your skin. the flame produces the burnt smell you recognize. pan stood in front of a fire that frames him and it could be interpreted in two ways: the bad guy trying to keep things wrong or the good guy trying to make things “right”. and you are conflicted because of that.

you understood, deep down, you might be a lost cause. even with all the effort that you do to do justice for the people in the city—even jaemin, chaewon, suhyeon, and jihoon who are under his command—, you don’t know if you could find justice for yourself. because soobin has a special place in your heart.

he was the boy that found you at your lowest and helps you build yourself up. he was the same boy that keeps you safe with the adventures you, him, and the lost boys had. he was the most explicit person to show you how much he cared for you. without him and his selfishness, he might not give you and him a second chance. you might not meet your grandma without that second chance. you might not have these grand adventures with the lost children without it. and like what grandma reminded you: life is an adventure, no matter how planned or unplanned it is.

and you knew you only had one choice to end this. the one way that you and pan, the catalysts of all of this, will be satisfied; even if he’ll like it or not. besides, if he could be selfish, you could too, right?

your face held a stern expression of resolute, a mixture of emotions sprinkle in them to help you more. putting your foot carefully one after the other, your body is now inches away from touching his, eyes gazing at his who is frantically looking all over your face. trying to read the complicated message you’re letting out.

“if you want me to stop this.” you nip your bottom lip, hesitating to continue as the stake of what you’re doing. yet you pushed forward.

“if you do love me, let me go. let yourself go.” you reach for his right wrist and wrapped it with your hand.

“without the powers. without the memories. just you and me. let’s start over.” his previous gaze at you becomes large, facing you who has a determined expression.

“grow up, soobin.”

you pull his right wrist and rise it up before plunging the pocket knife into your chest. the pain you’re feeling is familiar to your body, because of what you get from the previous life and the aching your heart felt with every revelation. yet, the pain helps you subside everything as you can see the blooming maroon color coming from your chest.

soobin frantically tries to hold your limping body with his free hand as comfortably as he can. your grasp on the knife’s handle didn’t let go as you pull it out of your chest before pushing it into soobin’s. both of you taking part in killing one another.

you expected to see a look of disgust when he grimaced at the pain, but a smile formed on his face. his eyes shine with the light of the flame reflecting it. you also followed with your own smile as you stare at the red handle of the knife that shines along with the flames mirroring light. soobin’s eyes stare at you with his signature eye smile. you glance at the darker patch on his black t-shirt and the tool that causes it.

“i always knew that it was my pocket knife. no wonder i never found it here,” you mumbled as you and soobin buckled and landed on the floor, hands holding onto each other. he’s still strong enough to let out a chuckle.

“i was trying to-“ he cleared his throat, “to not let this happen again. yet here we are.”

“here we are indeed,” you reply. under the crackling of the flame, you didn’t hear the banging door of your apartment as you recognize the sound of your friends behind it. it’s admirable for them to still come and try to get you out even in this burning building. but with a look exchange between you and soobin, you know both of you won’t survive this.

soobin moves his hand and pushes your body to his, embracing you for the last. your blood staining his shirt along with his blood on yours. your eyes stare one last time at the burning plants around you as you see a familiar silhouette of sprout, its petals burning as it lets you carry on.

“i’ll see you on the other side, pan,” you mumbled to his ear, letting the flame consume both of you as you almost didn’t catch his whisper.

“see you on the other side, darling.”

-

the stumbling of the floor comes to a slow and fading halt. the scenery behind the vertical glass stops. the people inside the small space stand up and grab their stuff from shelves hanging from the ceiling. any time they take a step, the floor sways. they’re heading the same way: to the exit.

you step out onto a smaller train station from where you left as you embrace the air of the town. the suitcase you drag has a duffel bag on top of it while you sling another carry-on in one arm and a backpack on your behind. all you need to do is contact the number you kept.

you did so as you walked around the abundance of people that also step out from the same train as yours. all of them forming a line that you follow to the exit. putting your phone by your ear, you heard the beeps as your call is going through the noisy invisible waves. eyes open wide as you try to see the person you’re calling.

when you step outside, you caught someone calling your name. you couldn’t help to let the smile out as you face them.

“mr. jung!” you exclaimed, trailing away to the man as he comes and wraps his arms around you as best as he could with the luggage you carry. letting you go, he helped you carry pieces of your luggage into the boot of his van.

it trails down the road as you glance at the town you left after grandma passed away. but you always knew you returned here. that’s how much you miss her.

“how’s your detour in the city?” mr. jung asked you as your eyes stare out of the window.

“it was eventful, to say the least. i spread my wings like what grandma asked me to.” you heard him chuckle as he drops something on your lap. it glimmer under the sunshine when you take a peek.

“you were lucky there is one more condo empty when you needed my help. i knew your grandma would want you to live in a smaller residence rather than her house. she wanted life to be easier for you.” mr. jung speaks as you picked up the item, examining the key to your new home. you were glad the inheritance was enough, and you learned that you have to search for a job soon. mr. jung said that there is a new flower shop in the downtown area, maybe you could try applying there.

stepping out of the van, you were met with a five-story building as the older man helps you put down your luggage beside you. your eyes admire the clean building as you stare at the window of one condo on the third floor. the condo you can call yours.

the rumbling of the van fades away as you remember mr. jung has to pick up one of his children from school. your eyes glance at the amount of luggage you have to carry up to the third floor. if only he could stay here longer to help-

“need any help?” you heard a voice calling for you. your eyes followed the source to find a tall boy with a black sweater and jeans, his bag’s strap slung across his chest. you see the black color of his hair root under the bleached ones. he must have bleached it so much that it looks dry and burnt. but you are glad to see him embracing his natural hair color back instead of bleaching it.

“you must be the new tenant,” he announced, pushing his palm towards you. an invitation for you to shake.

“i am. my name is (y/n). and that would be so helpful- uh...” you reply and shake his hand. feeling something electric cruising between the two of you as you tried to guess his name.

“soobin. it’s soobin. you’re my next-door neighbor.” he replied, his gaze landing on yours longer than you expected with you reciprocating. his face is so familiar, especially with the way he speaks with his eyes.

you let go of his hand as he gestures towards the two pieces he could carry. both of you enter the lobby of your condo as you step into the elevator. your grip on the handle of the suitcase is tight as you sensed the awkwardness exudes between the two of you. that’s when you accidentally take a peek at his open canvas bag to see a few books resting inside.

“you must like your books.” you give a small comment as you heard him chuckle.

“the perks of working in a bookstore, i guess,” he replied as you heard the ding of the elevator when its doors opened. your eyes landed on the boxes put outside of the door that you could recognize must be yours. soobin puts down the luggage near your feet before he straightens his body. that is when you notice that there is a tower of open empty boxes at the door across from yours.

“you also just moved in?”

“yeah. two weeks ago and i settle in pretty fast,” soobin replies, his body swaying as he gives a shy look at you.

“how- how about you? where did you come from?” he returned, curiosity evident in his voice.

“i’ve been this town citizen for most of my life. but i tried going to the city for a detour of some sort,” you replied whilst a chuckle left your lips.

“what city, to be exact?”

when you thought about the city, your memories get blurry as you can only remember a few striking images of the city.

“it’s a city that is so lush, full of overgrown. it doesn’t look like a city, to be honest, it looks like-“

“a forest.” soobin cuts you with the exact word you’re going to let out next. meeting his eyes, you see a look of recognition in him as he does as well to you before it fades away.

“i came from that city too. i guess i knew it was my time to leave and say farewell to it.” soobin replied, a smile showing on his face as you see the dimples forming from it.

“yeah, me too,” you answered as you exude the same smile.

even with both of your blurry memories of said city, it is real.

somewhere deep between tree covering, lies an abandoned city. the concrete towers have crumbled down to its foundation as it lets plants grow on it. creating a dichotomy of grays meeting greens that looks menacing, yet fascinating.

neverland.

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[darkdevasofdestruction]

I’m Your Little Butterfly ~ Hanayama Kaoru x Reader

Idk why I started watching Baki and outright binging it, nor why I fell for Kaoru, Doyle and Baki, but... Well, there it is, lol. I haven’t read the manga, only Kaoru’s spin-offs and watched the whole anime, from Grappler to 2018 and Hanma Baki Son of Ogre, so there are sure to be some mistakes here and there, but let’s play pretend, k? k.

Here, Kaoru, a 15 year old, newly-become Yakuza leader, begins his highschool life and is constantly ‘saved’ by the class rep who tried to stop people from bullying the new-comer while also having trouble dealing with her life.

However, he cannot enjoy these relatively peaceful days as a normal highschool student because his goals and life force him to lead a singular mafia life for the next 5 years, until he receives a meeting he never expected.

------------

Ahhh, what a pain, Y/N thought to herself as she stepped inside the classroom once again. These guys are such a pain. They keep asking me to be their class rep and take care of them, but they never respect her anyway. Jerks.

Ahead of everyone else in her class, Y/N already knew of the appearance of a new class-mate, and therefore, it was her job to take care of him and all that. God, how she hopes he’s not some wimp or something. Then again, someone with a name like Kaoru might be mistaken for a girl, or teased for that. Ahhh, what a horrible job she has.

She had to be both the first and the last student to get inside that classroom to make sure everything is in check for when the teachers come in. This time, as soon as she opened the door, she saw the gargantuan build of a person sitting in the back of the class. This must be the new kid. Kid...? Yeah, whatever.

“You must be Hanayama Kaoru, our new classmate, yes?” Y/N went in front of him, her visage as stoic and unbothered as always, then she extended her hand towards him to shake. “I am L/N Y/N, the class rep. I’m supposed to introduce you to this school and all that. I, uh... I hope you like it here, I guess, although nobody likes it here anyway.” the boy that looked more like a 30 or 40 year old than anything merely looked at her, and although it seemed as if he wasn’t paying attention, his eyes were boring in to her sharply. “Alright. Uhm... There aren’t really any rules around. Students even carry weapons here and there, myself included, although mine is more of a legacy than anything. Other than that... I’ll make sure these punks don’t bully you and you get comfortable with the classes, the teachers and whatever. Also, here. The change of environment must be difficult for you to handle, so... I didn’t know what you liked, but there you go.” Y/N quickly searched into her school bag and took out a box of chocolates, gifting them to him. Seeing that he didn’t move to take them, Y/N gave an awkward side-smile and left the box on his desk, and moved towards her desk, only for a chair to get nosily dragged against the floor. Hanayama got up, towering over her her petite form as if she was a pomeranian standing next to the Empire States Building - And he bowed respectfully to her - Making her gulp in shock. “Thank you for the warm welcome, please take care of me.” “A-Ah, y-yeah, uhm... Please don’t bow or anything, we don’t really do that. There aren’t really many people worth of respect or something. Ah, man, uhm... You’re already nicer than half of this highschool. Just hang in there this class, okay? Take care.” she never imagined anyone would bow down to her out of nowhere like that just to thank her or something. How weird. “Yeah, dude, no one is worthy of Hellgirl Y/N’s respect!” a bleached-blond boy started ugly-chuckling loudly in his seat. “Do you want it, Mitsuru?” the girl asked, looking at him with the mask-like uncaring face of hers. “Ohhh, having the honour of being the first person to get Hellgirl Y/N’s respect? Sign me in!” Mitsuru stood up with a slouchy jump, walking towards her like a cheeky thug. “Wonderful! How about you learn to tie your shoes first, then even think about stepping in front of me. Dumbass.” she flicked his forehead and went to sit down in her seat, looking out of the window as the teacher came in the room and they all followed the basic procedure.

Y/N didn’t know what kind of evil gods there were out there that they were cursed to have the first class, from 8 AM, on a Monday, Maths, of all things, when she can’t help but fall asleep from tiredness and boredom, but they must have been really bad in a past life to deserve this torture. Or something.

And the next one wasn’t any better, considering they had Physics, of all things, but at least next it’s lunch break so it’s perfect.

“Hey, Kaoru. How did you like your first lessons of today?” Y/N leaned back on his desk, awaiting an answer. “It was fine.” he spoke simply. “Well, if you ever need help, I’m the class rep so I can help. Lucky for this dumbasses, I have top marks in every class. Unlucky for me, I should ask for money worth of how much I’m helping them out. Anyway, we have lunch now. Did you bring something from home or do you want to go to the cafeteria?” she extended her hand to him so he’d follow her. Kaoru got up and followed the girl down the halls to wherever she wanted to go. “I didn’t bring lunch.” he replied. “Ahh, alright, alright. They surprisingly have good bentos at the cafeteria. I can show you a secret place to enjoy lunch without being bothered by a bunch of nosy losers too. Do you have your wallet with you?” she let out an amused exhale. “Not anymore.”  All his replies were deadpan and in the same tone. “What do you mean… Anymore? Did someone steal your wallet?!” she gasped in horror. “I made a donation for Mr. Haga’s return to school.” He answered so innocently. “M-…Mr… Haga…? R-Really…Now…” the girl let out an exasperated sigh. “Don’t worry, I’ll get it back with all your money there. Never give away your money for donations, it’s always those delinquents begging for money to get whatever the hell they want.” She tried to explain to him. “I see. Thank you for telling me.” He muttered in understanding, yet it didn’t seem to bother him much.

 They arrived at the busy cafeteria, but Y/N cut off in line, abusing one of the very little privileges she has as a class rep, also guiding the boy with her constantly. “Ma’am, you still have bentos, don’t you?” “Ah, you’re just in luck, we have exactly 2 more left! Here, there you go.” The woman behind the counter hurried to put the nicely packed bento boxes in a bag, telling her the price. “Huh? What’s with that price? It’s like… Four times the regular amount.” Y/N looked petrified at the woman. “I’m sorry, Y/N, I know you’re not doing well with money, but you know the expensive boxes are always the last ones to be taken. You should stop being so generous and altruistic with strangers, even if it’s their first day here. Don’t they always end up giving you trouble anyway? Use that money for your family, you know you work damn hard for it.” This discourse made the girl uncomfortable. “Can’t you put it on the tab or something? You know I always pay the next day-…” Y/N tried to bargain, but the woman shook her head. “I’m sorry, they don’t allow us to give away food on the tab anymore. Mostly because of those delinquents, but many have to suffer because of that too.” The woman looked pitifully at the red haired girl who aggressively ruffled her hair in anger. “Alright, alright, not much that can be done. Here it is, thank you for this. Have a lovely day, ma’am.” Y/N quickly smiled gratefully at the woman as her hand shook, giving away so much money that she desperately needed. “Thank you, Y/N. Ah, Y/N-… Please, stop trying to be so good for all the people who don’t deserve it. It’s not good for your health.” The woman watched the girl with a worried look. “Haha, thank you for the concerns, as always… But have you forgotten? I am the bad guy.” She nonchalantly shrugged, laughing lightly and turning around.

 But hey, it was her job as the class rep to make newcomers feel welcomed and whatever, what the hell, big deal. Y/N carried the bag as she gave a signal to the new kid to follow her up to the roof  where they had a very nice view of the park filled with blooming cherry blossoms and the snowy mountains in the horizon. Locking the door behind them, Y/N jumped the tall fence with ease, getting to sit down at the edge of the school and motioning for the boy to do the same.

He did, albeit, much more awkwardly because of his height and weight, making it bend a bit. It amused Y/N quite a bit as she handed him his food and opened her own bento that she made herself.

“Hope you like it. The expensive one always has the best stuff. She makes them herself at home. Everyone loves her cooking.” The girl spoke so calmly and easy-going now, almost as if she was able to relax now that she was most alone. “I am sorry.” Kaoru spoke all of a sudden as he broke his chopsticks. “Sorry? What are you sorry for?” she frowned at him in confusion. “You don’t have to go that far to make me feel welcomed. I’m not leaving highschool.” He spoke simply. “Ah, come on now, just eat and shut up, I don’t need apologies for something you didn’t do, alright?” the girl looked away awkwardly. She never, in this life, had people apologise or thank her, especially not so genuinely. “Anyway, I’ll get that wallet back for you by the end of the day. I know those two idiots, they always do this to newcomers and first graders like us. I’m sure you’ll realise this soon, but we’re known to be a pretty weak highschool. That’s why everyone thinks it’s okay to go full-delinquent mode and attempt to intimidate others into submission and assert gang dominance. They’re all so stupid and weak. All of them. But they think they can protect the school. They can’t.” She scoffed, annoyed, and continued eating. “Do you have someone to protect this school now?” he asked, surprising Y/N. “…Hehe… There is someone, but they only come out when there’s trouble. They’re not exactly physically strong, but they are a master at sword-fighting. They come from a long line of samurai family.” She chuckled lightly and vaguely. “Interesting. I’d like to meet him.” He grunted suddenly. “Oh. You will, don’t worry. Trouble always roams these places and they have to come out and defend the students.” But sooner than expected, the bell rang, announcing the end of their lunch break and the beginning of the next class. “Come on, we’ve got Biology. The teacher is really nice, you’ll like it.”

  At the end of Kaoru’s first day of school, he felt weird  - Maybe a bit exhausted, in a way he never experienced before – Was this how school was like for everyone? Was this what being a normal student felt like? Oddly enough, it was pretty nice. He kinda liked it. He only wondered if it was only a short-lived bliss or if he will continue enjoying this experience longer.

For some reason unknown even to him, he waited until his class rep finished work around the classroom so they could exit the school together – What surprised him, however, was that, as soon as they got out, someone shouted loudly some apologies and went to kowtow to the ground humbly and desperately.

“O-Oi, Haga, I’ve been looking everywhere for you.” Y/N crouched to his level, patting his head and sweat-dropping awkwardly. “I’M DEEPLY SORRY, SIR! They didn’t know your identity or family name. We made a huge mistake, you can be the one that will rule the whole school from now on!!” Y/N’s eyes widened in shock, seeing how submissive and afraid this thug was. “Haga, my friend.” Kaoru crouched down to Haga’s level as well. “You can raise your head, it’s okay.” His voice was so calm and nice, bearing no ill-will or anything. “We’re sorry! We’re very sorry!” he continued crying out vigorously. “I’ll never accept back the money or kindness that I give out. I won’t ‘rule’ this school either.” Kaoru confessed as he got up to face the statue behind him. “Come on, Get up, Haga. He forgave you. Or, well… Those friends of yours.” She handed him her hand to help him up. “I’d like to request one more thing, Haga. Don’t ever salute or bow to me in that way again.” The huge boy spoke again as he shook hands with the statue of the founder of the school, easily scrunching it up miserably. “A-Alright… S-Sir…” Haga blinked in shock at the statue’s destroyed hand. In the meantime, Y/N took out all the money from his wallet, handed it to Haga and made sure everything else was put back inside, then handed it to the rightful owner. “Guess you can handle your own.  You don’t really need me.  You’re gonna be fine around here, I can tell.” She gave him a proud smile as she handed back the wallet. “Thank you, Senpai. Please continue guiding me.” He bowed at her for the second time that day, making her blush in embarrassment. “H-Hey, Hanayama, get up, please. Don’t bow to me, I’m nobody important, and besides, we’re about the same age anyway. And I don’t really deserve the title of Senpai, I did nothing to be worthy of being called that by you.” She ruffled her hair, a dreadful habit she has when she’s nervous and unsure of what to say. “Are you not willing to accept me under your wing, Senpai?” he asked, in the same passive voice one again. “… Who am I to deny you, anyway? If the young Yakuza leader wants me to be his Senpai, then it will be my honour. Okay then, leave it to me, I’ll take care of you and help you out if you need anything.” She chuckled much more relaxed and easy-going now, patting the boy’s back. “How did you know who I was?” he asked, confused that an ordinary highschool girl would know about the underground business. “I’m the class rep, it’s my job knowing everything. Do you have any idea how many times I had to get Haga and his silly friends out of trouble? Actually, I don’t know either, I lost count. Anyway, I don’t think you want people around to know about this, or treat you differently, therefore I’ll pretend I don’t know anything. If you came here to learn, and not at home, then it means you want some peace in your life. Well, I hate to break it to you, there will be no peace in highschool. It sucks. But hey, it’s the kind of sucks that everyone goes through, so it should prove to be some fun for you, maybe. It’s your choice how you want to live. So… Yeah. Your Senpai urges you to take it easy and have fun.” She shrugged in the most careless and laid-back manner possible, before going home, leaving the yakuza boy behind, staring after her with unfocused eyes as his mind became pensive, processing over her words.

What could she have possibly meant by that? Why would highschool suck? Isn’t it supposed to be fun? He heard his mother once say it was one of her most favourite times of her life… Could things have changed since then? It hasn’t been that long since she was a highschooler herself, and yet, how could he know for certain? Maybe asking her? Yes, that could work. Surely, she’ll be proud of him for getting a proper education.

Days went by at an alarmingly fast pace, making Kaoru shocked how quick time goes by when you’re busy with school all the time, but this wasted time had a charm to it. Seeing people his age socialize and have fun – He kinda enjoyed it, even though he wasn’t the most approachable or talkative out there – Even seeing this peace, no more adults killing each other and having constant responsibilities on his shoulders – Yeah, it was pretty nice.

Yet somehow, it seemed, his Senpai was constantly surprised by how people actively want to bully him, despite being like a damn Panzer tank compared to their twig-form, yet still, she stood high and proud in front of him, reprimanding anyone who dared approach her kouhai with ill intentions. It was kinda funny, he thought, watching such a small girl defend him from whatever idiot thinks he can take him down. This is highschool, huh?

Yet, even so, through all the things he went through in fights and what-not, he never expected to find his shoes being filled with dead baby mice and a stun-gun. Perhaps this wasn’t the common prank occurrence around because he noticed Y/N getting really angry, yelling and threatening everyone at the changing lockers and actively looking around for Haga and whatever other gang of thugs she keeps under her thumb for information to find out what happened.

“I’m sorry. Not even they have any idea what the hell happened. I’ll find out, soon enough, and when I do, they won’t leave this school alive. I’m gonna string them up by the neck and hang them outside next to the flag pole.” Her threats were so adorably funny and violent that Hanayama could only let out an amused exhale and open the book locker, only to quickly retract his hand. His fingers were bleeding and the edge of the locker door had sharp razors. He didn’t say anything, only looking at the blood drip on the ground and the way the girl’s eyes held flames of anger as she took out her handkerchief and her water bottle to clean the wounds and wrap them up, before turning to the class. “Who was the fuckass who thought it was a smart idea to go against my authority and do all this shit? Go on, get up and face the consequences like the punks that you are. Or are you afraid I’m gonna slice you up into pieces and feed you to the fish?” she threatened everyone with a dark voice that seemed to have an impact on most of the colleagues.

That is, until one of them got up with a crossbow – Yes, a crossbow, of all weapons – And smirked tauntingly, approaching them. “The traps in the shoebox and the blades on the door were quite creative weren’t they? Hey, guys, there are 10 minutes before classes start. I need to discuss something with Hanayama in private and I need everyone OUT!” he yelled the last word to his trembling classmates. “Class rep, are you gonna let our classmates be subjected to violence and become potential innocent bystander victims in our little brawl here?” he mocked the girl. “Get out, all of you. It seems some people need some discipline taught into them the hard way.” The lower her voice became, the darker her aura felt, as she protectively stood in front of the seated Hanayama. “Yes, that’s it, class rep! Show off your authority! You scared everyone with your voice, isn’t that so cool? Look at them running away like a flock of sheep trying to survive against a wolf chasing them. You really think you can protect all of them? How foolish of you. That one doesn’t need your protection, he’s a fucking mafia boss. He could wring your neck like a flower by just blinking at you. How stupid can you be?” he laughed patronizingly at her. “Hanayama Kaoru is a student in the class that I am representing, therefore, he is under my protection. As his Senpai, more than anything, I promised to make sure he’s going to be okay. In this highschool, Hanayama Kaoru isn’t the leader of the Yakuza, but a simple student of MY class 1-A. If anyone has anything against this fact, then go ahead and bark out your worthless complaints to me. I dare you. Or are you afraid my threats will become reality?” Y/N tilted her head to the side menacingly, stepping forward as her grip on the hilt of the katana on her waist tightened. “Wow, Hanayama, to think you’d be the first person L/N respects enough to protect, how amusing! But are you really going to let a woman stand in front of a weapon for you, looking all cool while you just watch?” the guy smirked provokingly at the yakuza boy. “What’s there to fear? You have only one shot with that stupid toy of yours. If you kill me, it’s game over for you and Hanayama will wring your neck like a flower… Or whatever the hell stupid shit you spewed. I bet you don’t even know how to use it. If you wanted to be cool, you should have chosen a rifle, they’re so much better.” The way she smirked made the guy frown and tsk in anger. “Hey, Hanayama. You should be my friend. This is a custom made, state-of-the-art crossbow. It has a 400 Kg tension. That means this little steel arrow will have 200 Kg weight power at impact. Look at how close either of you are to me, if I were to shoot it at you, there’s no way the arrow will get stuck in the body. It will pierce your body, tear it to pieces and suddenly, you will die a violent and painful death. How ain’t that much cooler than a rifle, eh, class rep?” Y/N got so pissed off that she took out her sword and put the tip so quickly under his chin, raising it up so fast, that he couldn’t watch her movements. “You’re so brave, talking like that. But don’t you know people like you are all bark and no bite? This is your last warning. Drop that stupid crossbow of yours and go back to your seat or I’m gonna have your head impaled on the flag pole in all its glory.” The two weapons were touching the other’s bodies, and while the girl was somber and dark, the boy smirked with confidence and smugness. “You’re rather confident, class rep, if not, very foolish! I will drop the crossbow only if Hanayama cries and begs for his life to be spared, otherwise, I’ll make sure I shoot the both of you with one single shot.” Suddenly, with enough noise, Hanayama’s chair was dragged back as he got up, scaring the boy into adverting the point of the crossbow to the bigger boy’s face, as Y/N immediately, with a single move, went behind him with the blade drawing blood from his neck skin. “If you think I won’t do it, you’d better think again! Come on, Hanayama! You’d better stop moving and do as I say, we don’t have all the time in the world to do this. I don’t think I can hold on for much longer, you better start to cry.” “Senpai. Move aside.” Kaoru spoke for the first time since this all happened. “Are you sure…?” she frowned, unsure of his request. He merely nodded, and the girl, defeated, sighed and took the blade from the boy’s neck, sheathing it back and hopping to sit on a desk and watch the show as Hanayama unbuttoned his jacket, showing off a huge variety of weapons that he has hidden all over his body, which ultimately, made the girl jaw-drop in awe, while the stupid boy could only sweat bullets and tremble. “WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?! I THOUGHT YOU WERE ALWAYS UNARMED!” “All these are real.” Neither his face or voice seemed to change in any way, despite the provocation. “I KNOW THAT, YOU IDIOT! I’M A WEAPON COLLECTOR! … Gah… A shotgun, a handgun, katana… Grenades too… What the hell is all that for?!” he was getting more and more anxious by the second. “You must feel uneasy using that trinket over there. I have more powerful weapons at home, but this is all that I have on me now. Here take them.” Kaoru took out the massive amount of weapons and threw them on the ground for that nameless idiot to take. “I carry them when I have to fight against students.” “Y-You carry all these… W-When you have to fight against other students…?!” the grip on the crossbow was already so lax, it almost fell completely. “Yes, but I don’t use them. Those are for the other guys.” Hanayama stated as he sat down on the ground with his back facing the enemy. “Use whatever you want, I won’t block or move. Shoot or strike until you’re satisfied. Once you’re done… It’s going to be… My turn.” The way he said it was so dark and menacing, but all Y/N could do was stare in admiration at that tattoo sprawled all over his back – Tattoo that looked a million times better with the addition of all those scars on his skin. “N…N…N-No…W-Well… I-It’s okay, it’s… It’s… I-I’m so sorry… I’m…” he dropped that crossbow on the ground and he started ugly sobbing as Kaoru suddenly turned around and grabbed the shotgun. “PLEASE DON’T KILL ME! I BEG OF YOU! PLEASE FORGIVE ME!” “Then help me pick them up. I need to put them away before I get in trouble.” This comment, as Kaoru started carefully picking up everything, made the girl laugh loudly and get off the desk, slamming a chair on the handle of the door and getting on her tippy-toes, leaning back on the door so the small window in it would get blocked and  nobody could see inside the classroom. “Hurry up, there’s barely 2 minutes left before class starts.” Y/N smirked down at them as she watched them shuffling around aimlessly.

Thankfully, though, they managed to get everything in order just in time, as if nothing happened and the class went on as usual. Y/N had to admit, she hadn’t had such fun in quite a while. Hanayama really was a nice addition to this place, despite all the troubles that come and go because of all the idiots who think they can take him on. And that wasn’t even the first time that it happened, but Y/N can’t be around him constantly, threatening them, so this was a way to ease her worries – Even though it didn’t. She was the class rep and everything was a complete chaos everywhere, but no matter how frustrating that was, he found it was a rather frequent occurrence. When there was no King, everyone around tried to fight and there was nothing anyone could do.

The only thing he could do was be himself and occasionally ask his Senpai to get a coffee with him at the café as a way to apologise – It never worked, though, as she never accepted his apologies. He was innocent, after all, so why should he feel sorry for something he can’t control?

Hanayama thought, however, that the worst he’d see around were bullies, delinquents and thugs at most, especially after that crybaby crossbow kid thought it was funny and smart to threaten him, and instead, got the scare of his life, but one evening, as he walked out of the school with Y/N and Haga and his gang, who became friends, chatting here and there – It was so nice and light-hearted, he though. But suddenly they got stopped by another gang with knives and creepy smirks, wanting to rob them, most likely. Well, that wasn’t the case, Kaoru realized very quickly, as he watched Haga’s friends all hiding behind him, despite how nervous he was. “Yoo, you’re those weaklings from X highschool, aye? Show me who your leader is, I wanna beat him up and take over the school. Is it you, mate? They hide behind you like that, but you have such a scared mug that I think you’re gonna piss your pants soon.” The leader of the other gang wiggled the knife around carelessly – It was pathetic, Hanayama thought, and he expected to see Haga step up and protect the school – He said he was the one to rule the school, right?

Much was his shock, though, when he watched the petite girl with them groan, pissed off, and stepped forwards, her hand leisurely laying on her katana. “I heard you wanna take over my highschool. Wanna fight to death over it?” she smirked confidently, only to get laughed at by the other thugs who mocked her. “Ohhh, little missy found a weapon and she thinks she’s scary? Yeah, scary like a cute, little kitten! Ha! Hey, how about we have fun with her – I get her first – But sure, missy, if ya wanna fight, I’ll show you some respect.” He grinned pervertedly as he stepped forward, and now, in the middle of the street, it was just a two of them, staring at each other as if it was a showdown. “So? To the death? Tell me, otherwise I won’t bother. My and the school’s honour is at stake, after all.” She taunted the guy who tsked and spit on the ground, getting in a fighting position. “Fine, if that’s what you want, I’ll kill you first then we’ll take turns fucking your dead body—“ but he wasn’t able to finish speaking that ugly sentence, as the girl was already behind him, his torso sliced open with a single cut that was much too fast for most of them to see. “Come again? Tell me, what were you going to do to me?” she mocked him as she kicked his legs so he’d fall pitifully to the ground. “I’M SORRY! I’M SORRY! I’M SORRY, I WAS WRONG, I’LL NEVER TRY TO FIGHT YOU AGAIN! PLEASE, MERCY, MERCY!” he groveled pitifully on the ground, clinging on her leg, only for her to kick him in the face and crouch to his level, snatching away the knife from his hands. “To the death, we said. Go on, slice your stomach open, commit seppuku. If you won’t, I will do it for you. And you won’t like it.” She played with the knife in her hand so leisurely, Hanayama thought she was a gangster herself since birth. “MERCYYY! I BEG OF YOU, SPARE ME, PLEASE!” he cried out, only for those shouts to be stopped by his own knife plunged in the stomach and dragged side ways. He couldn’t even scream anymore, he just fell to the ground and had to watch as Y/N wiped the blood from her katana in the crook of her flexed arm, the same way samurai would when killing an opponent. “You only fight an opponent you know you can win against. It’s your fault you wanted to fight to death. I merely bid my promise. Now, you… Who’s next? You said you wanted to take turns with me. Go on, I’m waiting. My sword is thirsty.” She grinned at them, her head held back, scaring them. Instead, all those left over guys ran away as if Yujiro Hanma himself was running to kill them – How pitiful and weak – She thought to herself as she chuckled and sheathed back her sword, walking in front of Haga. “Yo. What would you do without me?” she grinned teasingly, flicking his forehead. “Haha… Really… I don’t know what our school would do without Hellgirl Y/N to take care of us. Sorry for the trouble.” Haga hung his head, smiling awkwardly and scratching the back of his head. “Haga. The problem is… BLOOD STAINS!” she cried out dramatically .”Do you have any idea how long it takes to get off the blood off white clothes?! It’s outright hell!” “Well… At least it makes you look cool.” Haga muttered, as they all started laughing as leisurely as before. “Yeah, totally. Question is… What the hell are we gonna do with the dead guy?” she asked, crossing her arms to her chest. “I’ll take care of it.” Kaoru spoke, impressed by the girl’s skill. He realized it was something dubious about the way she spoke about the person taking care of the school, not to mention, the way she carries that sword everywhere, but that? That was impressive. Even he had some trouble keeping up with her speed. “Oh? As expected, I have the most reliable kouhai in the world. Haga, be jealous!” she nudged the delinquent leader who could only chuckle nervously.

Hanayama, as he watched the others chat and talk, thought at her title of Hellgirl Y/N and Class rep, and he came to the conclusion that, somehow, he doubts all class reps go so far and beyond for their school and classmates the way she does. Why does she do it, though? She has no responsibility over them the same way he does over his Yakuza associates. Hell, they aren’t even all that nice to her, anyway, and more, she tries to keep up this bad guy persona, as if that was true, and yet, it was the farthest thing away from the truth.

He really didn’t understand it, but somehow, the respect for his Senpai grew and he realized he wanted to begin working more and more, the way he does.

 Soon, he’d see, the school, found that perhaps adding a teacher who would beat up students would be the best way of controlling everyone, as Y/N’s authority was way too lax and there still were rule-breakings, of minor and major value. And that’s how, for the past few days, a jerk of a teacher was awaiting every student at the entrance of the school and hitting them if there was something he disliked about them. One victim was Takayama, who had bleached hair and was being forced by the teacher to dye it a normal colour otherwise a slap on the ass and face won’t be the last thing he gets – He will get a punch in the face this time.

Hanayama watched as he walked next to Y/N inside the school grounds and saw this unfolding in front of them. The next victim was a girl who had her skirt too short, as he says, and he slapped her so powerfully that she started crying and shaking.

“Your skirt is way too short, it may distract other male students!” he yelled at her, as she couldn’t keep herself from sobbing as he creepily bent down to her level. “You’re a pretty girl. I will hate myself if you force me to slap you on the face.” This pissed off Y/N so much more than any silly classmate of hers who would just openly defy her or Hanayama for the lolz. “HEY! What the HELL do you think you’re doing?! What the hell kind of misogynistic fuckass are you?! You don’t deserve to be a teacher, go to hell! You have NO right talking like that to an underage girl! And you have no authority over the way someone looks or has their uniform, as long as its within the accepted rules by the school!” Hanayama already knew about this teacher came over with a permission to violence, thanks to Y/N informing him in advance. Knowing the class rep had its perks, after all. “Oh? You’re the class rep, aren’t you? Isn’t it your fault the school is in such disarray? It’s your fault I was called over to instill some discipline into these guys. But no wonder they’re all misbehaving, look at how YOU look. Red hair, short skirt, accessories – Who are you trying to seduce, anyway? Is this why you let all the girls get away with it? So the boys will get their heads in the mud and underperform in class?” he smirked down at her condescendingly. “It’s their own fault if they don’t know their priorities and can’t control their urges. If they choose to think with the wrong head, good for them, but it’s nobody else’s fault but theirs and theirs alone. Besides… What the hell do you have against my hair anyway?! It’s how I was born! Does it look to you like I’m 100% Japanese? Because I’m not. Now gimme a break and fuck off.” Even though the grip on her sword tightened, she knew she couldn’t draw a blade against a teacher, and this jerk seemed to be aware of that as he snatched away her katana and threw it far away on the ground before slapping her face to hard she fell to the ground. “Devil’s advocate, aren’t you, but when it comes to protecting their rights, without that silly toy of yours, you are nothing but a weak and frail woman that could be stomped on with such ease. Give up. Everyone is watching, are you going to let yourself be humiliated for their sport?” he laughed at her, watching as she got up, looking at him with cold eyes. “Is that the best you can do? Really? You call yourself such a strong man, but all you have is your fist and way too many privileges. You think you’re so high and mighty, but you go against the defenseless. What, you think you’re some God or something? That permit of yours is going to get revoked very soon, after all the complaints received already. Go on, enjoy your last moments of bliss when you get to be King in your own makeshift fantasy.” Her chin was up, talking phlegmy at him, intentionally provoking him. “Y/N, GET THE HELL AWAY FROM HIM!” she could hear some of her colleagues shouting from the windows as they were watching with their hearts in their throats. “You’re the worst, you know that, don’t you, class rep? You intentionally provoke the worst out of people, and when they can’t hold it anymore and go all out, you place the blame on them. You’re such a bad guy, no matter how much you want to play innocence and righteousness.” He walked in front of her and slapped her other cheek even harder now, making her fly to the ground, this time, facing the sky. Y/N looked up at the passing clouds almost lifelessly, as she let out a disgusted huff and got up, spitting some blood on the ground, realizing her lip was busted. “Dude… My mother has dementia and Alzheimer, she beats me up almost daily… You think those slaps mean anything to me? You’re just some weakling begging to be recognized by some big fists, that’s all you are. Nobody is going to respect you if you go on like this. But tell me, what kind of satisfaction would you have beating up a defenseless person who just lays there on the ground and takes it? Venting your frustrations? Throwing away all those reprised inferiority complex problems? How pathetic. You. Are. Disgusting.” Her cold eyes held no ounce of fear, yet no life or joy, nor anger or hatred, as she watched the frown on the teacher’s face. “Pathetic. You are, by far, the worst class rep in history.” He tsk’ed, annoyed, only to get his attention shifted by Hanayama who walked to him and bowed, greeting him as you do to all teachers. “Heh! You’re always so confident. I know your trick. You like to walk tall and strong, now, of all times, to get my attention away from your little friend. You look down on everyone but not because you are powerful or wealthy, or smarter than the rest. You intimidate everyone with this – That stupid cross shaped scar across your face – Isn’t it? I don’t know how it happened and I don’t care, but I’m a fighting expert and I can tell right away, if that happened in a fight, you simply couldn’t defend yourself and got careless. That scar simply shows that your lack of a good defense landed you in making a mistake and paying for you.” The jerk teacher continued to berate the poor kid, yet he didn’t shift in any way. “From my perspective, you got careless and got cut like that. There’s no mystery or trick in it for me. I don’t fear you because of the scare tactic you use, but inflating your ego and telling stories about you, that’s not cool, Hanayama. People don’t like swindlers. The most dangerous student in Japan… What would you do if a teacher were to crush that rumour? Wouldn’t that be the most dangerous teacher in japan too?” the disgusting grin on his creepy face really angered Y/N. “You’re so full of shit the toilet’s jealous. You could never win against Hanayama.” She insulted him, yet he merely laughed. “Having a little girl protect you, Hanayama? How pathetic.” The teacher laughed in his face. “You are correct, sir.” Kaoru’s comment made Y/N gulp. “Well, what can you do. You attack people when you know you can win, but when you know defeat is certain, you take no time running with your tail between your legs. I expected a little more of the mighty and legendary Hanayama Kaoru. Hah! If someone has to make you submit to discipline, that person has to be me…” the teacher smirked so confidently. “What a nice pair of shoes. Your parents must be rich. Yeah, those look good on you, your family must be proud. You surely are a tiger that has earned his stripes already. Let’s talk about something different. Your pants are too long, they look kinda scruffy.” “Yes, the larger size pants don’t fit me, so I had to special order.” However, before Kaoru could finish talking, the teacher punched him in the stomach, yet the boy didn’t flinch. Instead, the teacher got flustered. “Y-You must still live with your parents… Wh-What kind of family are they…? What did they do to you…? Ah… ARE YOU A YAKUZA?!” the teacher shrieked at him. “Teacher, you…” but, as he talked, the teacher fell on the ground in a crouch, protecting his head defensively. “Teacher, you are correct.” He said, helping the teacher up.

As everyone cheered, the teacher admitted defeat and Y/N could only smile proudly at the boy – So easily, he managed to get most people like him – Literally, by doing nothing but being himself – And maybe having the build of an indestructible tank, but the facts still stand.

Despite the win, she felt defeated and lost all wish to live – Not that it was something new, she felt that way whenever she went home and had to see the huge mess there – She could only sigh and hang her head, turning away from there. However, she was stopped by a hand on her shoulders, and looking at the person behind, it was none other than her kouhai, handing her back her sword.

“Take it. I don’t deserve it.” She muttered, looking away. “Yes, you do.” He argued back, bowing to the girl and offering the sword with both his sword. “Get up already. I told you never to do that again. I told you, just keep it. He was right, I’m the worst class rep in history. That sword… I don’t deserve it. I’m not a warrior, nor a protector. You are.” She put her hands on his shoulder, using all her force to try to get him to stand straight. “You protected your classmates and me all this time. Please continue doing so. Every person, no matter how weak or strong, if they find something to protect, they become warriors. Take it back.” Kaoru extended his hands towards her once again, and with an exhausted sigh, she nodded and  gingerly took back her sword, putting it back at her waist. “Alright… Alright, let’s go to classes, we’re late anyway.” She muttered, crossing her arms to her chest, walking in front of him, her long hair covering her face. “H-Hey, u-uhm… Class rep?” the girl who previously got slapped by the teacher came meekly in front of her. “I, uhm… I wanted to thank you… For defending me. Not even my boyfriend dared go against that guy, but you did. Thank you.” As soon as she finished talking, the girl threw her arms around Y/N, hugging her, making her go stiff in shock. “I-I-I… U-Uhm…” Y/N’s bottom lip trembles nervously, not sure what to say, as more girl and some of her thug friends came by, surrounding her and thanking her for being so cool and defending their rights when no one else dared to. “Y-You’re… W-Welcome…” she managed to croak out in a weak voice, hanging her head so nobody could see that she was on the verge of tears. “Any time.” After that, they continued on with their regular lives as they always had, for the longest of time. It almost seemed like no bad thing would happen again in that highschool of theirs, and Y/N went back to hitting the delinquents on the back of their heads with the hilt of the sword, it seemed like the most casual and normal occurrence there could be for these teenagers. Hanayama, too, really began to enjoy this school life and everything it brought along the way.

Y/N, however, seemed to have worse and worse days, and it was visible from her tired face, her getting late to school, the slightly disheveled way she looked and how she didn’t seem to be as focused as always, hell, even falling asleep in class a few times. If people noticed, they didn’t say anything. That’s how it was, after all. She didn’t have any friend except for maybe Kaoru, but how long can she keep up being strong all the time when everything works against her and she has no energy to keep on going. She wouldn’t even accept going to the café with him anymore, under pretexts of having to work or not having any money to spend.

Already half a year passed and it was getting colder, just like her expressions. Kaoru was worried, although, he didn’t really understand why. It was a weird feeling that he couldn’t tell apart, but still, something inside him was irking and made him want to act somehow. That is, until the girl herself went to him and she seemed to be clouded by something, and in a whole other world of her own as she pinched his sleeve and guided him out of the school, only to see they were in the park, all alone, only them two and the lights from the lamp posts. Hanayama watched as the girl opened and closed her mouth continuously, forcing herself to speak, but being unable to for whatever reason, until finally, she acted and bowed to the ground in front of him, shocking the poor boy out of his wits.

“Kaoru… I… I need to ask for a favour and you’re the only one who can help me. Please, I beg of you, accept it.” She groveled desperately on the ground. “Senpai… Don’t bow to me.  You are my superior.” He crouched to her level, trying to get her up, but she didn’t budge. “We’re not in school anymore, therefore I’m not your superior in any way. Kaoru… I need help. I need money for mum’s brain surgery. She’s getting worse and worse and I don’t know how long can she keep going without it. I can’t get enough money on my own with the small wage I get by working. Hell, I can barely keep taking care of 5 other people and paying the taxes and all that shit all by myself, and I don’t know what else to do anymore. If mother dies, there’s no way our grandparents will be able to keep custody of us because they don’t get a pension and me and my little sisters are going to get separated and put into orphanages and my grandparents will rot in the house alone, sick and with no money or food to go by. Please, Kaoru, I don’t know what to do. Please help me out.” For the first time since he began his school life, he saw the girl show her emotions – What she really felt, what tormented her every second of her existence – And he realized, despite how tragic his family life was, he wasn’t the only one in the world suffering. She faked being alright so easily that he didn’t realise that she had any problem, except for that time when she admitted being abused by her mentally ill mother. “Senpai, please, get up.” His grip on her was gentle, and this time, he managed to get her standing, but she didn’t dare raise her head, yet he could see the tears going down her face as she tried to bite her lip into not sobbing and appearing weak. “I will help you. Don’t worry. Just take care of your mother and I will take care of the rest.” His hands were on her arms, squeezing lightly to reassure her. “Thank you…” she managed to whisper before, much to his shock, he found himself being hugged by the girl crying into his chest and thanking him repeatedly as if she was a broken record. “Don’t thank me. It is my wish to help you as you’ve helped me. This is the only way I can.” He spoke, patting her head lightly, remembering the way his mother used to do for him when he was upset. “Let me show you the family you’ll be helping. You should know where your money is going, after all, it’s only fair. I just… Hope you won’t regret it by the time you see it.” She stepped back, grasping his hand gingerly and guiding him towards her home, all whilst he remained completely silent.

There, the girl was welcomed so nicely by her mother who hugged her and kissed her forehead, telling her how she missed her, asking if she had a nice day at school and if she was getting along well with the other classmates. He watched as Y/N merely nodded and answered positively, as if nothing was going on, only to hear a loud smacking noise and her stumbling to the side. Her mother was now hysterically shrieking at her in such a shrill voice that it almost felt as if his eardrums were ruptured.

Two more people, elderly, came out to drag the mother back inside the house, and in turn they blamed Y/N for the mother acting in such a way, saying it’s all her fault that she’s not working hard enough to provide for them. They called her a whore begging for money from another man. And she took it all with the same straight mask-like face that never changed whenever he’d look at her. Her sisters then came out as well, complaining they didn’t have whatever silly luxury they were dreaming of, and that, once again, was all Y/N’s fault.

Hanayama already felt his head bursting in pain from all the noise and chaos going on, he could only imagine going through all this mess every day, without fail. No wonder she felt so pressured and stressed all the time, nobody could get out of there completely sane.

Finally, they all went back inside the run down house and Y/N fell to the ground, looking up at the cloudy sky as it slowly began to rain. It was cold, and she was still dressed in that light school uniform, but she seemed to completely disregard everything around her.

Taking a deep breath, Hanayama nodded to himself and sat down next to the girl, not caring that his uniform would get all muddy and gross. Instead, he took his jacket off and covered the girl, shielding her from the cold water droplets.

“If I were you, I’d regret helping such a fucked up family. Family… This is not a family. They treat me like I’m some working donkey. It’s driving me crazy. I hate it. It’s like a never-ending cycle and there’s no way of escaping it.” She confessed, feeling a bit more relieved now that she spoke out what she was feeling, for the first time in her life. “Even so, I’d be helping you out, that’s all that matters to me.” He replied to her sincerely. “You’re too good for this world, Kaoru. Really, you are. No matter what anyone else says, this is the truth.” She muttered, hugging her knees to her chest. “I am the leader of the Yakuza. Your faith in me is misplaced.” He looked away, unsure of what to say. “So what if you’re the leader of the Yakuza? Do you think you’re evil? Because you’re not. Look at all the kindness you showed to everyone at school. People really love you, you know. There are people among Haga’s gang that want you to recruit them… And there are girls who want to be your girlfriends. An evil man wouldn’t be getting such popularity and love from everyone, he’d be feared and the others would keep their distance from him. You may look intimidating and scary at a first glance… And that’s because hey, it’s true, you have the ability to kill by just blinking, that’s how strong you are. But you never even lifted a finger against anyone, no matter how they provoked you. You earned their respect and appreciation and you didn’t even realise that. You silly, clueless boy.” She let out a dry huff of amusement, watching the boy turn his head to look at her with wide, shocked eyes. “I… Don’t know what to say.” He muttered, looking down, blinking in confusion. “Nothing. You don’t have to say anything. Just accept the truth as it is. You’re a nice person, you deserve to be happy. Even if it may not be too straightforward as it should be, it’s the little things that make us smile. I’ve never seen you smile before. You should.” She spoke so easily and nonchalantly that it made Kaoru feel confused, his mind and heart fighting each other for reasons unknown. “You don’t smile either.” He retorted right back, making her chuckle and nod in agreement. “I smile when I’m with you, you just don’t see it.” Her words made the boy completely shut down. This… This wasn’t something that he could take on alone. This was something he couldn’t handle alone. He needed help. Kizaki. Yes, he needed Kizaki. “You will catch a cold if you stay longer in the rain.” He muttered, not sure how to reply to the previous comment from her. “It’s fine. What’s the worst that could happen, anyway? I just get a cold, it will go away sometime. But I don’t always get the time to talk like this to my kouhai, you know?” she smiled lightly, averting her sight up to the sky. “Tell me, how can I repay you for you kindness? It can be anything, I don’t care, I will do it. I won’t take no for an answer, so don’t bother saying that.” “…Fine. There is something I might need. I have a business meeting soon and I need a Geisha. I’m not asking you to be one, but if you can play any instrument and pour tea and sake, I’d appreciate it being someone I have trust into.” He spoke, a bit embarrassed by this. “Is that all? I can play the zither, if it’s fine with you.” She pointed out easily. “It is fine. I… Also need help with something else.” He spoke, before getting dark and hanging his head. “I need help studying. Kizaki saw my report card and scolded me.” “Ahhhh-… Ahahaha. Yeah, sure, that’s perfect. You should have asked me sooner, you know I told you that. Tell me when and where and I’ll do whatever you need me for.” As she said that, somehow, something inside him stirred, and unconsciously, he felt a weird desire of wanting to see the girl more often. “Thank you, Y/N-Senpai.” He nodded his head at her, only to see her chuckle cutely at him, much more relaxed than usual. “Anything for my little kouhai.” She said-… Little? She said little? What the hell is little about him? What a peculiar girl.

The next day, Y/N’s mother was rushed to the hospital for that surgery which, unfortunately, didn’t help much and soon, she died. This, in turn, made the sisters become separated and taken into an orphanage, while the grandparents were sent to an elder’s home.

That left Y/N, who went to get a document of emancipation, have the small and shabby house all to herself. That meant, any money she got, she wouldn’t have to throw it around for others and she could finally get new clothes and get rid of the old and patched up ones. Even better, she could finally afford to eat an ice-cream without feeling regret or guilt that she didn’t give that to her little sisters.

She felt nothing at all being separated from her family. Instead, she felt happy. For the first time, she went to school with a clear head and a vague smile on her face. She was glowing with a certain kind of freedom and relief and for that, Hanayama was happy, even if he didn’t expect things to get in that direction.

Winter break began soon after and the girl told him to do what students do and have fun doing whatever he wanted – And, unfortunately, he did just that – Only to realise the next day he had school and had done none of that homework, nor did he study for his upcoming exams and he felt quickly overwhelmed by the amount of work he was piled under.

That night, she was supposed to come over and help him out with studying and he realized… He was getting slightly nervous. This foreign feeling was bugging him, especially that he didn’t feel this way even before a tough fight, but this was completely different.

He talked previously with Kizaki, had him prepare everything, from a variety of foods to snacks and drinks and had him hype him up for that meeting.

Unfortunately for him, he was still a teenage boy, no matter how he tried to deny that, and sometimes, things didn’t go as planned. Not that he would ever allow it to be shown, clearly.

“Young Master, Miss Y/N has arrived.” Kaoru broke his pencil by mistake from surprise as he turned around in his chair to look at the girl entering the room. It was the first time he saw her in civilian clothes, and now, seeing her dressed so nicely, so elegantly, he couldn’t keep his eyes off of her. She was so beautiful, with her long red hair cascading past her shoulders to gracefully, her emerald eyes sparkling with life and a gentle calm that he hasn’t seen before in her, the black jeans and black turtleneck showing off her figure so nicely and the way the golden accessories she was wearing made the whole look give off such a mature finesse… It wasn’t easy for him to keep composure. “Aren’t you going to greet your Senpai, Kaoru?” she gave him a teasing smile, raising her hand to her lips, a glint of playful mischief in her eyes. “Sorry. Hello, Senpai.” He got up from his chair and guided her to her chair next to him at the study desk. “Alright, tell me what’s the problem.” She spoke, sitting in the chair and turning to look at him. “… I haven’t done anything all the holiday and tomorrow morning I have to hand the homework in, and the next week we have exams.” He spoke, not meeting her eyes. “Pfff… Hehehehe… So you really are just a regular highschool student after all. How cute.” She leaned on the desk, barely able to stop herself from grinning teasingly at him. “Welp, you came to the right person. I have done everything by now already, so this should be easy peasy. Although… The workload is not light, we’ll be staying here the whole night without breaks, most likely.”  She smirked, extending her hand to get the book on top of the pile. “English? Nah, too easy, let’s get the big guns out and go to maths. Come on, Boss, show me how you count the shitload of money you get.” She then took out her own notebooks from the bag and opened the maths one, then took out Kaoru’s own Maths book and put it in the middle of them, going to the first problem. “Alright.” He visibly got a bit worried as he started reading the first question, the pen gripped stiffly in his hand. He copied down the long equation and stared down at it. And it stared back at him as he had no idea what to do. “You don’t know where to start, do you? I can understand why, it’s trailed over two lines of an A4 notebook. Okay, first, you have to know that, with these kinds of equations, you begin right in the middle of it, like you’re cutting a snake in two. You take it apart by calculating first what’s in the round brackets. Then, when there’s a single number left in all the round brackets, you turn the straight brackets into round ones and the accolades into straight brackets and continue calculating. When you’re done with those too, you turn the remaining straight brackets into round ones and finish them all. Does that make sense?” Y/N asked as she patiently explained all the basic maths concepts to him. “Yes.” He grunted, however, he copied down the equation half-way, only to stop as soon as he drew the first round bracket. “Are you not familiar with fractions and multiplications?” she asked, a bit shocked that he wasn’t used to such basic math as he shook his head. “Alright, hold on, let me do something for you.” She muttered as she ripped out a few pages and began writing down all the basic multiplications from 1 to 10, and then in reverse, the fractions, then went to write the powers of all the easy to remember numbers and put the sheets in front of him to follow easily as she took a pencil to show him each time where to look. With some guidance, and the help of his tutor when it came to more difficult calculus, he finally managed to get the first problem done.

A whole hour passed. Damn, was he ashamed of performing so poorly, especially in front of her, who has top marks.

“Hey, do you drink coffee?” she asked all of a sudden, and seeing the boy nod, she smiled at him. “Can I have one? Strong, but with some milk and lots of sugar. If we’re gonna be here all night, might as well be energized.” “Alright, I’ll tell Kizaki in a second.” As he got up to search for his comrade, Y/N took his pen and began quickly writing down and easily finishing some of the more complex problems there were, knowing it will be a huge hassle to explain, so she’d rather have everything prepared in advance and only then explain to him all the steps she took to reach the final answer, even though he may not get to do it again that night. After all, it really was a lot of homework and only about 12 hours to complete everything… If they don’t fall asleep, that is.

She didn’t realise how focused she was on completing the problems fast and correctly, blocking everything around her, that she didn’t even hear the door open or head Hanayama get back inside and speaking to her, until he put his hand on her shoulder, making her jump in her seat, squeaking in shock and the pen falling out of her hand.

“I’m sorry, did I hurt you?” the boy asked, feeling guilty watching as the girl was panting and her eyes were still wide as if she was a frightened fawn. “No, no, you didn’t, you just startled me, it’s my fault. Anyway, here. I know it’s not really the best go-to method to learn, but if we’re being realistic, even if you know how to do everything, it will take more than 12 hours to finish everything, so let’s get you to understand the basic, have all the homework completed and when it comes to the more difficult stuff, I’ll do it and explain it to you another time. It’s all just time management. Is that alright?” she explained, getting in her seat and allowing him to take his own. “I understand. Thank you for your help.” He nodded in appreciation, sitting down in his seat and taking the pen. “Kizaki will be coming soon with the coffee.” “Wonderful! Okay, so, let’s go on with the next exercise, okay? Here’s how it goes…” and she began explaining the concept, helping him out along the way, guiding him and what not. They barely even noticed Kizaki’s presence as he arrived with the coffee – However, the man watched with a smile on his face as his Young Master was working so diligently and attentively along with this miss whom he called his Senpai and about whom he even asked for advice. Young love really is beautiful, pure and innocent, he thought, as he watched the two being glued together, with the girl being able to do something he was never able to – Get his Master relaxed while being so focused on his school work. That, in itself, was a huge feat, especially as it was his worst nightmare – Maths – And he got reminded of his mother, poor soul, not only a widow now, but also terminally ill, but in her prime, she was such a sweet and loving person, taking care of the Young Master so nicely.

There was only so much Kizaki and the rest of the loyal crew could do to give the Master the family, love and nurturing a child should have at his age – Because yes, most people, sometimes even he himself – Forget that the Young Master is merely 15 years old.

If only the Mistress knew he was struggling with a crush now, she’d be so happy and proud of her beloved son.

Hours passed, they finished Maths and went to English, and when they were done with that, they went to Chemistry and Physics. Kaoru was getting tired, but somehow, he still went on – But the same couldn’t be said about the girl who, much to his surprise, fell asleep in the weirdest, most uncomfortable position there was.  Her small legs were stretched over his lap, claiming she went completely numb from sitting so many hours on the chair, and her body was twisted, hovering over the desk, her elbow propped on the table as her head was leaning on her fist and her hair was covering most of her face, hence why Kaoru didn’t even realise she was asleep, save for her getting rather quiet all of a sudden.

He could only smile and brush her hair aside, allowing her to sleep. She deserved it very much, after all.

Hanayama continued on with the homework, only to be startled by a phone suddenly ringing. It must have been Y/N’s, he thought, as he watched the girl let out a yelp and fall to the ground before cursing, shocked at what happened. Only then, did she realise she fell asleep. Poor girl, he couldn’t help but chuckle at her.

Sighing, she pouted, dragging herself to her bag and took out the phone, slumping back in her chair and propping her feet up on Kaoru’s back rest, yawning and ruffling her hair. “Yeeees~?” she asked in a sleepy voice. “Y/N! I’m so glad you’re still awake, I was afraid I woke you up.” The voice of a girl came from the other end of the phone. “Ah… No, it’s fine, I wasn’t asleep. What’s the problem, Aki?” as soon as he heard the girl mention the other’s name, Kaoru stiffed a bit. “W-Well… You know… Valentine’s Day is approaching and, uhm… I kinda want to confess to someone. I don’t know what to do.” The other girl spoke in a shaky voice, trembling from emotion and embarrassment. “Do you know if he likes you, or is at least interested in you? Or you just like him from afar and you want to get his attention?” oh no, Hanayama thought, why was she talking about such things around him? It wasn’t good for him. Not only that, he could also hear what the other girl was saying. “No, I… I never really talked to him… B-But, Y/N, you’re always around him, you’re his Senpai, and, I-I mean… His the only man in the school that you respect, that means he’s a really great man, right? He’s also so strong and popular… You know…” the girl rambled on and on, only to be stopped by Y/N’s shocked gasp. “You want to confess to Hanayama?!” she was wide awake now, and unfortunately, so was he. Poor boy was so embarrassed by now. “Y-Yes…” Aki muttered softly. “Well, if you like him, go ahead and confess, or wait until Valentine’s to give him a box of chocolates and all that jist. He likes sweets, even if he doesn’t want to admit it.” Y/N smirked teasingly at Kaoru as he hung his head in shame. “Y/N, can you ask him if he likes me? I… I don’t really want to be rejected, you know.” the girl sighed pitifully. “I understand you, Aki, trust me, I do. Thing is, I am his Senpai, and that means I take care of him. I want to know if you really like him, or if you’re just in it for the popularity and stuff, like his other groupies.” Kaoru’s heart was beating so fast now watching the red head next to him smirk at him while also teasing the other girl so shamelessly. “W-Well… Listen, I gotta tell you something and you have to tell me if it’s true or not. I heard that Ayaka tried to confess to Hanayama-kun before.” Aki spoke, making Y/N slap her hand over her mouth to stop herself from laughing. “Ayaka confessed to Hanayama?!” she gasped, making Kaoru hide his face with his hands. “Yes! Didn’t you hear that?!” Aki exclaimed immediately. “Not at all! Go on, tell me, how did it go?!” Y/N urged her friend to speak as she tried to pry away the hands from Kaoru’s face so she could tease him more. “Awful, she says! Can you believe it? She says that he accepted but… But then he… He asked if she knew what was going to happen if they are together, and she said yeah, of course, they were going to have sex at some point, right? I mean, about everyone in the highschool is hung over that thought, right?” Y/N couldn’t help but roll her eyes in mild annoyance at her friend. “Yeah, sure, of course Ayaka would think of that before anything else. That’s all she thinks about since she couldn’t get it on with Kazu some months ago. Anyway, go on, what happened next?” Y/N hurried the girl, shifting in a more comfortable position as she still tried to get him by the wrist. “But I was dating Kazu some months ago! … Gosh, that bitch, no wonder she said all those things about Hanayama-kun, she lost her chance and didn’t want others to try! You won’t believe what she said! She said Hanayama-kun pulled down his pants and… You know… Showed her his… His… You know!” at this point, Y/N’s hand left his own and instead, his eardrums kinda got ruptured by her loud laugh and wheezing. She was literally crying from laughter so hard that she started coughing. He has never seen her face being so expressive, in a positive manner. In a way, he liked it. In another way, he hated that he was the reason behind this laughter. “I don’t believe you, Aki! I don’t! Not even Ayaka is stupid enough to say something like that.” Y/N let down her head, dragging her hand down her face to calm herself down. “I’M TELLING YOU THE TRUTH! She said Hanayama-kun took off his pants to show her his dick and then asked her if she could handle it!” oh no. No. No. No. Kaoru wanted to hit his head so hard on the nearest wall that he’d fall unconscious on the ground and never wake up. Especially watching Y/N laugh like that, it was humiliating. Although… Maybe he should have gone smarter about rejecting that girl. He didn’t imagine anyone would be talking about this. He screwed up big time. “And? What did she say? Can she handle him?” Y/N was trying to hard to take deep breaths and calm down so she could talk again. “She said yes! She said… She said that women give birth, so they are capable of handling someone big too… Even if… Uhm… Even if they are… Hung like a horse… BUT THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID, NOT ME!” Aki yelled over the phone, panicked and embarrassed, but she had no idea that her words were being heard by the very boy she was gossiping about. “Akiiiii, you cured my depression. God, I’ve never laughed so hard in my life, I feel like I’m gonna die or something. Ahhh, I really wanna ask Kaoru about this now. You made my night, I swear, you did.” She laughed absent-minded over the phone, lightly hitting her forehead with the back of her hand as she looked at the ceiling. “Oh… Oh yeah, that’s good, you can find out if it’s true or not! But don’t tell him I told you that, okay?!” Aki desperately yelled at her friend who was much too euphoric. “Yeah, yeah, you know me, I know how to keep secrets. Anyway, Aki…” Y/N nudged the boy’s tight with her heel as she stretched out over his lap again so she’d get his attention. “Why else do you think he needs custom-made pants, huh?” okay, he was having a mental breakdown. Kaoru.exe stopped working, in need of rebooting. “Y/N!” Aki shouted her name, getting back her attention. “Listen, Ayaka also said they kissed! Do you think that was his first kiss? She said it was so bad, her lips was all bruised and busted! She said she looked as if she had a duck’s face!” “That sounds more like a punch than a kiss to me, Aki. Are you sure she just couldn’t handle being rejected for the first time and came up with some really weird-ass stories to tell others?” Y/N let out a deep exhale, finally calming down. “I thought so too! She must be so jealous! I’m surprised she hasn’t said anything bad about you yet, considering how the two of you are basically glued together. But, Y/N, here’s what she said. She said that she imagined Hanayama-kun sucking on her breast and pulling it out so much that it would sag like an old lady’s, and she got scared and ran away from him. Can you believe that?! That’s not even humanly possible!” at this point, Kaoru saw that Y/N wasn’t laughing anymore. Instead, she had sort of a sage look, nice, but also sort of nostalgic and melancholic. “Aki. Enough about those stories. Tell me what do YOU think. You said you want to ask Kaoru out. Tell me your opinion about him.” Was she… Defending him now? Looking out for him? “Well… I don’t really know. We’re not in the same class, but I see the way he behaves with you and with fragile things around the school. He took care of our gold fish fond so carefully, and even arranged most of the flowers in the vases at the festival. I saw him cut out delicate shapes from paper and even draw things nicely. And… He always puts his jackets over you when he thinks it’s cold, and walks you home, even though you’re the one with the sword always at you and you can very well protect yourself. He’s always so respectful with everyone, even those who bullied him before, and… And I think he’d be a really nice boyfriend, despite how scary and intimidating he may look at first glance.” The girl spoke so nicely of her kouhai that Y/N could help but look down with a sweet smile. “You are right, Aki. You are right. He would be the best boyfriend out there, so don’t listen to Ayaka’s stories, those would never happen. He would never do something so brash and rough to a woman. It’s just… You have to understand the risks of dating someone who has danger looming everywhere around him. It may not only affect you, but your dear ones as well. It’s not an easy life he lives, you know, and he’s barely 15 years old. Sucks, huh?” Y/N chuckled lightly, allowing a certain silence to take over. “You think I have a chance with him?” Aki managed to usher after a while. “I don’t know, Aki. I don’t know. Only he knows. What I can tell you is… If you really, really like him, and you’re certain of that, and you’re sure you want to confess on Valentine’s… Then, instead of buying a simple box of chocolates, bake him some chocolate and nuts cookies. Those are his favourites. And he appreciates things done manually by others, to the ones bought. I mean… Don’t we all?” she chuckled softly, waiting for the reply, as she shifted her gaze to her kouhai, who seemed to be looking at her, having a pensive look painted on his face. “I see… Thank you, Y/N. It’s always so nice talking to you. I’m always so embarrassed talking to mum about boys and stuff, but it’s much easier with you. You’re the best, class rep. Also… Sorry for calling you so late at night, even though we have classes tomorrow. Good night!” Aki said as she hung up, making the girl on the other end sigh and put down the phone on the table. “I really teased you a lot tonight, didn’t I? Sorry, you must have felt horrible.” She chuckled lightly as she smiled at the boy. “It’s… Fine. I deserved it. I did those things.” He confessed, in shame. “I know you Ayaka’s story is true.” Y/N admitted, surprising the boy. “Then why did you say it was a lie?” he asked, confused. “Did you want your reputation everywhere to turn from that strong and scary guy to the pervert who shows his dick to girls behind the school and is a terrible kisser?” she smiled at him, yet to him, it seemed also somewhat sad. “No.” he admitted, not shifting his gaze from her. “Aki was right. And I meant it when I said you would be a great boyfriend some day. I know you didn’t want to hurt Ayaka by doing what you did, but you felt like scaring her away would be the best way of not endangering anyone because of your dangerous life. However... You’re my kouhai and it wouldn’t sit right with me if people wouldn’t understand your true intentions. I know you, but they don’t. It’s not easy being on the hunt all the time, even though you look completely undefeatable. You are still just a 15 year old, at the end of the day, and you are human and have feelings like everyone else.” Completely different to how she smirked when teasing him previously, now she looked so gentle and tender. “… Thank you for understanding me.” His lips formed a straight, thin line as he nodded his head at her. “Stop thanking me already. You don’t have to. Really. I’m just taking care of you as your Senpai. I told you, you’re a nice person, you don’t deserve so many people thinking and talking badly of you, even though you say it doesn’t affect you, or you don’t care.” Her words seemed to have such an effect on him that he got up and pulled her into his chest, embracing  her as gentle as a little girl would huge her teddy bear. “It is how I feel and I will say it.”

They stood like that for just a little bit more, enjoying each other’s warmth and presence, feeling comfortable and safe, as peculiar as that sounded, and when they finally let go, they continued with his homework until early morning when, as Kizaki went to wake them up for school, only to see the girl cuddled up in his Young Master’s arms, leaning on his chest as they were both sleeping so nicely, he barely had the heart to wake them up.

But he couldn’t! He had to wake them up! His Young Master had to go to school! It’s his job as the Master’s caretaker!

He watched the two of them smile embarrassed, looking away from each other, only for the girl to pat his arm and leave so they could meet at school, as usual. His Young Master had a crush!

Since then, they met up a bit more often, and it helped with his exams as well, it made Kizaki so proud and Kaoru was happy about it. Then, the exam session finished, all was well, and then February came by and it was now Valentine’s Day, the day he’s been dreading ever since he heard that blasted phone call when he was studying with Y/N.

As expected, he found himself with tons of chocolate boxes, bought or prepared, on his desk, piling up like the skyscrapers in Tokyo, while on the other half of the day, girls went up to him to personally give him some chocolate, some of them even confessing their love for him. Ah, how awkward it was having to turn them all down… While also not pulling some silly thing like he did the first time.

He thought exam-days were long as hell, but this-…. This was hell.

When it was finally over, he was very happy, carrying all the boxes out of the school, only to be stopped by his Senpai as soon as he stepped out of the ground. She looked at him, scanning all the boxes and then chuckled teasingly.

“You have quite the admirers, Kaoru. You are such a heartbreaker.” She smiled, offering to help him out with all of those. “You can have them all if you want. I know you like chocolate.” He offered as the girl took some of the boxes and walked by his side. “No way. These are people’s feelings for you, I’m not going to take them away from you. Just don’t do the student-thing and binge-eat all of them tonight, it will make your stomach hurt.” She teased him lightly. “Then, are you going to help me out with them? Kizaki said he ordered too much food today.” Nice one, Kaoru, you did well today. You did well, he praised himself in his mind. “Hmm… Fine, okay, you got me, I was really craving some good, warm food.” It worked! Score for Hanayama!

It felt a bit awkward, being only the two of them, eating together, alone, on Valentine’s Day, but if Y/N felt nervous, she surely didn’t let it show. Instead, she tried to make conversation with him about whatever mundane thing she’d come up with on the spot, but, as usual, he wasn’t much of a talker. Damn it, Hanayama, you do a good thing and then you get too nervous to speak. That’s not the Yakuza way!

“Well, it’s getting late, I’m going home. Thanks for meal, it was really good. And thanks for sharing your bounty today with me.” She chuckled, getting up, heading towards the door. Hanayama, get up and stop her, idiot! “Y/N, wait!” he stopped her quickly, making her look away at him with questioning eyes. “Yes~?” she asked, tilting her head to the side. “I, uh… I will have Kizaki order a taxi for you.” Stupid, stupid, stupid! “Ah. No, it’s fine, I want to walk a bit. It’s surprisingly nice outside.” She smiled at him, watching him gulp. It made Kaoru feel as if she could read his mind, but she patiently waited until he got the courage to speak out. “Ah, yes, I almost forgot. It wouldn’t be Valentine’s Day without your Senpai giving you a little token of appreciation, right? I hope you like it.” She snapped her fingers in realization as she dug into her bag and handed a pretty, lavender box, painted with light-coloured flowers on the top. “Have a pleasant evening.” She threw him a rapid peace sign before leaving the room. “Young Master, miss Y/N left -… Ah, what do you have there?” Kizaki asked, sitting down next to him. “It’s… Valentine’s Day.” Kaoru muttered, tracing the beautiful painting on the box. She made this. He was certain she did. Why else would the flowers be white, blue and purple and the bow holding them together having his name written in Latin cursive. “It’s a very impressive painting, Young Master.” Kizaki admired it as well, urging him to take off the lid. “Are those…?” he gasped, impressed. “Chocolate and nut cookies.” Kaoru muttered, but his eyes seemed focused on something else, next to the cookies. It was a lavender handkerchief. He picked it up, and analysed the indented, soft material that had flowers delicately and meticulously embroidered into it, with his initials in the middle of the bottom, having golden swirls to the left and to the right of his name. “Is this… Embroidered by her?” Kizaki’s jaw dropped at how beautiful the handkerchief was, and how much thought she gave into it, all for his Young Mastered. If he felt touched, he could only imagine how Master Hanayama felt, as it was all being done for him. “She said she wanted to become a doctor and she took up embroidery to get dexterity at working with a needle.” Kaoru spoke, then realized that everything smelt of very fine, floral perfume. “She will become an excellent doctor in the future.” He smiled proudly, thinking of the girl and the shy smile she tried to hide as she left the room. “Young Master, what are you going to do for White Day, then? After so much effort she put into this, you can’t just go and buy something… But what can you do?” Kizaki was pondering out loud, only to see his master smiling. “I’ve got an idea.”

At school, they were told that a festival will be held at their school, to celebrate the blooming of the Cherry Blossoms, which seemed to excite most of the students – Except Kaoru, who merely smirked in triumph – He made this happen.

He saw Y/N once in a kimono, when she beautifully played the zither for him and his business associate when he needed her help, and now, he wanted to see her again this way.  Kaoru wasn’t one to paint or do something graceful like women do, however, he can play to his strengths, and that is to organize a nicely put together festival where he can be romantic, the same way his mother would tell him when he was little, and surprise her.

This time, he was going to ask her out. No more getting nervous. He is a man and will prove it.

Hanayama didn’t expect the fateful day to come by so quickly, but it did, and thankfully, the weather was so lovely – Just perfect.

He, too, was dressed in traditional clothes and he walked to the festival, feeling confident, looking around for the red head that stood out like a sore thumb wherever she went, but that colour truly suited her so beautifully. Kaoru spotted the girl rather easily, seeing as she was merely standing awkwardly in one spot, shifting from one foot to another and fiddling with her fingers, seeing as everyone had groups or a lover to enjoy the festival with, but she was left out of most of the groups. Yes, must be really uncomfortable, he thought as she watched her sigh, upset and started walking around the festival until he stopped to a mask stall and she bought one – A fox one – Perfect, she can hide her embarrassed face now and nobody will have a clue.

He looked at how beautiful she was, with that pink kimono he gifted her after doing him the Geisha-favour - Pink suited her so well - So soft and gentle on a girl whose heart was so loving, yet had to pretend none of that was true. The golden obi, made into a bow at the back made her look even more gracious and elegant than ever... And then, there was her hair - Styled so finely and effortlessly, yet perfect for her, but there was something missing. An accessory. He will have to solve that. 

That girl, looking like the most favoured Butterfly from the Gods, was going to be his girlfriend today. Hanayama Kaoru, the Young Master of the Yakuza, was going to ask her out today! Finally, Hanayama reached out to the girl, and whilst he couldn’t see her surprised expression, she could see the glee in her eyes as soon as she realized who it was. She took off the mask and put it to her waist, just next to her katana, and she walked side by side with him.

“Thanks for letting me keep the kimono. It’s very pretty.” She was the first one to speak. “I see you didn’t sell it as you said.” He pointed out, a smile on his face. “I… Didn’t really have the heart to do so. I’d rather starve for a day than sell it.” She shrugged nonchalantly as if it didn’t mean much. “It looks good on you. I’m glad you kept it.” Even though he was so tall, he could still noticed the way she subtly blushed, as her hair was held up in a beautiful bun, her face framed delicately by two swirly strands of hair. “Ah… Th-Thank you. You look nice yourself.” He heard her speaking, and it made his chest bubble with pride.

First, they went to get some dango and mochi, because of course, sweets first, then food is the way to go, then got some sushi and enjoyed a refreshing tea, and although they didn’t talk much, he could see she was constantly smiling – Even though it was a small, subtle one, it was still a smile that never vanished the whole day – And that made him happy.

As the day passed, evening came by and the enchanting lights of the festival coming from all the lanterns made everything more loveable, not to mention, the music made them feel as if they were in some story some of the bards tell about a beautiful princess and her strong prince.

They bought a few more things and they decided to go up the hill so they could watch the fireworks under the cherry blossom tree, but they also got two sparklers, floating lamps to launch and two small wood charms to put up in the tree. As they were heading towards the hill, Hanayama suddenly heard a small squeak and from instinct, he put his hands around the girl, making sure she doesn’t fall down as one of her sandal straps snapped.

“Ahh, honestly, why are sandals so cheap.” She chuckled, taking out her handkerchief to replace the strap, only for her to be stopped and lifted up bridal style, going on up the hill completely unbothered, making the girl look wide eyed at him, unsure of what to even say anymore. “Th-Thanks…” “I couldn’t let you walk like that.” He spoke simply, as silence took over them, seeing that she leaned on his shoulder so casually and the both of them tried not to blush.

He carefully placed her down at the base of the tree, from where they had perfect view of the sky that was going to be lit up with fireworks very soon – But, until then, they had to bet on sparklers! – The loser has to do something the winner says, such a basic, childish thing, he thought, and yet, he was really eager to do so.

Ah. But he lost. Damn. Well, her crystalline giggle was worth losing, so I guess that’s fine, he thought with a smile on his face. “Well, what do you want me to do, then?” “Oh. Right. I forgot.” She blinked, the lightbulb turning on inside her head. “I don’t know. I’ll think of something by the end of the day. Anyway, let’s write our charms and put them up, yes?” They did just that, writing each other’s names on the charms, under the pretext of being a Senpai-Kouhai well-wishing, then he put her up on her shoulder so she’d reach high and tie up both their lucky charms. “Good fortune, huh? I better be getting some money soon by the end of this school year, I want that scholarship.” She chuckled, dangling her feet back and forth so casually, liking the way they were right now.

But then, the firework show started and Y/N couldn’t help but be completely mesmerized by the beautiful display in front of her. Each time, more and more colours were painting the dark sky in intricate shapes, lighting up the place as if some God was setting down from the skies.

Taking a deep breath of courage, the girl hopped of Hanayama’s shoulder and raised her hand to pinch his sleeve and get his attention. “I know what I want.” She said, making him look at her – She had a serene smile on her face, her eyes sparkling in tandem with each firework popping out there, and suddenly the sky wasn’t so interesting anymore – Her happiness was. “I want you to kiss me, Kaoru.” She said, not shifting her gaze from the show. So bold! To think he’d use the trick he had up his sleeve against him! Hanayama clenched his jaw slightly, mustering up the courage to fulfill the request that he, himself, has been thinking about for so long – But before that, his hand went inside his pouch and took out a gorgeous, hair accessory that had flowers and small bows in three trails, hanging down her hair in different shades of pink – It was going so well with the kimono and with her hair that he couldn’t help but stare at her before finally, as her gentle, shy eyes peered into his, he put one of his hands on the back of her hair and leaned down to kiss her as tenderly as possible, afraid that she’d shatter like glass, while his other hand had his fingers intertwined with hers. He felt her soft hand caressing his face, his scars, so delicately that he thought it was a rose petal touching him.

As soon as they pulled apart, Kaoru saw how her eyes were gleaming with such a heartfelt bliss that he’s never experienced before, and the way she looked so kissed, her pink lips plump and glittering, made him want to kiss her more and more, completely forgetting about the firework show or anything else going on that day. He thought he was a good kisser, at least in theory, considering he can easily tie a cherry steam into a knot, but there was something she did to him without even trying, a certain kind of charm every time she’d graze her teeth on his bottom lip and smirk teasingly as she pulled on it, or the way her grip on his hand would tighten every time she’d pull him closer to her – Damn, she must have been a true Kitsune because she has him tightly wrapped around her finger.

By the end of the evening, the two had launched their lamp up into the sky and they admired how it floated and blended in with the rest of them, and when it was time to go home, he picked her up again, not wanting her to dirty her socks, and walked her right in front of the door, where she kissed his cheek and wished him goodnight.

“I’ll see you tomorrow at school. Thank you for this evening. Good night.” She wished him, only to be stopped by the boy who stopped her to gift her a box of chocolates that he, himself, with the guiding of Kizaki, made, and kissing her forehead, he wished her sweet dreams and left for his own home.

Yes, he did it! Kizaki will be so proud when he hears this. Master Hanayama strikes again!

And it was wonderful for the two, for as little as it lasted, because the school year ended barely 2 weeks later, and since then, nobody heard anything from Hanayama Kaoru, except for the stuff heard in the underground. He stopped going to school altogether and the sole time Y/N tried to go by his home and see if he was okay, she was denied entry. He didn’t want to see her. Simple as that.

Fine, she thought, angry at her stupid kouhai. If that’s how he wants to play, then be that way.

For the next 5 years, she went on with her daily life of studying and getting into Med school, the way she’s always dreamt of, and was unbothered by anything else going in life – She was doing perfectly fine without anyone to rely on but herself.

That is, until she had an unexpected person stepping in this city and it was her sole chance of getting revenge – Y/N stepped on her pride and, dressing up the same as she did during the highscool festival, she went to the Hanayama office, walked past the guards and Kizaki, completely ignoring and pushing them away, disregarding anything the poor man begged, remembering her, and she mockingly knocked on the boss’s door, entering and glaring at him as his legs were up on the table, sprawled, like the big boss he was.

“Yo. Remember me?” she crossed her arms to her chest, looking down at him. “…Y/N?” he gasped in shock, not believing his eyes at seeing her again after so many years. The shock dispersed quickly, however, and it was replaced ultimately by guilt. “Ah. So you remember me. How quaint. I was your Senpai and even to this day, you still show me such disrespect. It’s a pity that I need a favour from you, otherwise I wouldn’t have wanted to see you again after what you did.” She tsked, looking away in anger. Kaoru got up, stepping towards her, only to see her stepping back. “Y/N, I apologise, I –“ he tried, but got quickly cut off. “I don’t care. If it mattered to you, you had 5 years to apologise. You didn’t. It shows how much you cared about me. Anyway, just hear me out, fulfill my request and then we’ll never have to see each other again. I think that’s fair. Don’t worry, I have enough money to pay you for this, and also give you the money that you gave to me back then.” She huffed, not wanting to look at him. His little butterfly, so beautiful, was now filled with so much anger and negative emotions, and all because of him. He was the reason his beloved had to suffer so much, and he hated it almost as much as she did. “I was being targeted by very powerful men, and Hanma Yujiro-“ he tried to explain himself, but he knew it wasn’t going to work this way. He screwed up in the worst way possible. “I want you to kill someone for me. You’re the only one I know who would do it and be able to succeed it. The picture, name and info are here, the card with the money and the code are here. Just do it. In fact, I’d say you don’t have the right to refuse either way.” She frowned at him, watching as she looked at the information and picture given. “This is your father.” He spoke, realizing how much they looked alike. “So? Got a problem?” she scoffed, sneering a bit. “I will not kill the last family you have living.” This angered the girl who, in a fit of rage, stomped in front of him and grabbed him by his blazer, trying to shake him, even though it didn’t work. “Are you stupid? Are you fucking stupid? That man did so much bad to me, and you can’t even do something as simple as killing him? Really? Do you hate me that much?” she looked up at him, and his eyes were as passive and sharp as always. “I refuse to do your request. I wish to reconcile with you and explain to you’re the reason for my sudden disappearance and refusing to associate with you, however, I will not kill your relative.” He put his hands on her shoulders, pulling her back at arm’s length. “I missed you, Y/N. Don’t leave.” He spoke, a bit more tender now. “…I fucking hate you. If you ever dare show yourself in front of me, I will kill you.” And with that, she slammed the door close behind her, and went on to look for that damn person she hated so much.

Kaoru.. What an idiot. Now 20 years old, his body grew significantly bigger and stronger, but his brain is still as stupid as before. What a pain. Even more of a pain was what she soon felt on the back of her head when walking through the park, and her vision got blacker than the night outside, and with the last bit of consciousness she gripped on, she felt herself being propped back on a tree. Or something.

When she came to, everything around her was still dizzy, but the loud noises were giving her a head ache as two huge ghosts seemed to be dancing around each other without stop – Ghosts that ended up being, in fact, Kaoru himself fighting, full strength, full Yakuza mode, against some big ass man with a creepy smile on his face. Heck, she felt a lump in her throat out of fear, not only for herself,  but for Kaoru as well, as it seemed that he was thrown to the ground with no way of getting up.

Getting up, she quickly took off her sandals, cursing that she was caught outside in a situation like this in traditional clothes, but she had to do something, and she rushed towards the enemy, cutting deep slashes into his back. “Ahaha, would you look at that, Hanayama, your little girlfriend woke up and is trying to defend you! Damn, what a woman!” the man mockingly laughed as he rushed to attack her, but she managed to parry every blow with her sword, only for the last hit to be so powerful that she got sent flying away. “Y/N!” she heard her name being called out, only to find herself being held up again by the neck of her kimono and slammed into the ground painfully. Damn jerk… Y/N thought, spitting some blood on the ground, watching with hazy eyes as that dumbass went to try to kill Kaoru, taking out some bullets from his pants, it seemed – He was going to make them explode in his mouth – Y/N realized as she went to strike one last time, managing to cut off his hand when he wasn’t paying attention to her, and thus, slicing through the bullets, rendering them useless. “Kaoru, now!” she yelled at him as he, with the strength of a a dinosaur, completely pulverized that creepy man and threw dragged him to the police where they could properly take care of him. Maybe. A monster like that can hardly be detained, really.

“What the hell was that anyway.” She muttered, wiping the blood away with the sleeve of her kimono. “That… Was the reason I didn’t want you associated with me anymore. He’s one of the 5 death row convicts that we are supposed to be defeating. As you can see, their strength is not one an ordinary human possesses. The fact that we’re alive is a huge feat in itself.” Hanayama explained, trying to wipe away the dirt and blood from his own face, as his glasses were already long gone and probably broken by now. “If you wanted to protect me, you should have told me the truth. What you did to me is the same as what you did to Ayaka 5 years ago. You think I didn’t know why you cut off all ties all of a sudden, even though you promised you’ll continue studying at that highschool for the complete duration of it? I’m not stupid, but I’m not tolerant either. You were stupid, and you are stupid even now. You really think I’ll forgive you for breaking my heart and abandoning me?” she sneered at him, only for him to realise what she said and smile tenderly at her, planting a kiss on the top of her head. “I’m sorry, Y/N, I wasn’t fair to you. I was so scared that you might get targeted that I didn’t think rationally and tried to protect you. I had to fight Hanma Yujiro, the strongest creature alive, at least 2 or 3 times, and each time, I lost. I watched his kill his own wife in front of his son, and take out all of us with such ease. This man attacked my friend, Baki, when he was on a date with his girlfriend. It made me realise that, should that have been the two of us, I don’t think there would have been anyone else to take that fight from me while I take care of you. I couldn’t live with the idea of allowing you to get hurt. And yet, you still got kidnapped and used as bait to lure me out and kill me.” The man explained his grievances to the girl who merely sighed loudly as she took out her handkerchief and put her hand on his face, dragging him down to her level to clean him up. “You’re a damned idiot, that’s what you are. I don’t want to hear it. You’re going to pretend I don’t exist tomorrow anyway. What’s the point in explaining this to me anyway?” she muttered, taking her hands off of him and stepping back, turning away. “I’m going to kill my father with my own hands. And I won’t see you again. That’s the truth of it. You made it so. That’s your fault.” She went on to walk away, but was ultimately stopped by the man calling out her name. “I will do it.” Y/N’s eyes widened at his words, turning around to face him as if struck by lightning. “I will kill him. But I accept no other payment but your forgiveness. How is that for a deal?” he asked, watching the shock dancing in her eyes, her mouth slightly agape as she tried to process something to say. “You better keep your end of the promise.” She scoffed, looking away, a bit flustered, Kaoru noticed immediately. She hasn’t changed one bit. “The same goes for you as well.” He smirked at her, watching as she began walking towards her home.

Not even a week passed, and Hanayama sent word for Y/N to meet up with him at the café so they could discuss the deal with her father’s death. As always, he knew just what to order, much to her surprise and joy. They stood that way in silence for just a bit more, as she didn’t want to talk, still pissed at him, however, the curiosity was eating away at her soul, so, once again, she had to be the first to talk. Or, so she thought, that is. “I killed him.” He replied to her question before she even put it. Her eyes widened slightly as his words, only to clear her throat. “Do you have any proof except that idea of trusting you? Because I don’t.” this, in turn, made him shocked, unsure of how to answer. “I wasn’t aware I had to bring you proof. I am sorry.” He answered her. “Then, any last words? Anything addressed to me?” she peered further. “No, nothing.” There. She caught him right in the lie. “If you want to lie to me, then learn to lie better, although, I’d advise you not to even try. I always know when you’re lying. My sword-fighting experience, the techniques, the samurai bloodline – Everything comes to him. Since I was little, he chose to teach me. I was his favourite child, and in turn, I loved him more than any of my relatives. He promised to take me with him and we would travel the world and perfect our fighting style, even though it should only be used for protecting our dear ones. And yet… He left without me, and with him gone, my life became a nightmare. My mother’s mental went aray and everything fell into chaos. It was my fault the bread-winner left, therefore it was obvious that it was me who had to make up for the loss. Honestly, if I were him, I’d have left that shit show too, but he should have taken me with him. That’s why, he deserves to die, for putting me through all that hell.” She explained as she got up, her hand gripping her sword. “You didn’t hold your end of the deal, yet you expect me to hold mine. Unfair, as always. “ “I met with him. Told him the reason for searching for him. He gave a time and place for a meeting. I will not kill him, but I can give you the opportunity to choose whether or not you want to fight him. He is your father, after all.” He gripped her wrist, not letting her go. “It is today.” “Fine. Bring me there.” She grumbled, letting him guide her to whatever place there was.

An old, abandoned warehouse in the middle of the forest, but there was nobody there. Y/N waited there, sitting down and waiting, from dusk to down, but nobody came. It was the same as back then. She hated it. Why was she always being the one abandoned by everyone? It’s not fair. It really is not fair at all.

She got up from the spot and walked out of the warehouse, looking up at the starry sky, unable to be angry or upset. She was just… Disappointed. “I’m all alone. As always.” She spoke to herself, not realizing that Kaoru had been waiting there the whole time. “Not anymore.” He said, walking besides her and pulling her to his chest. “Let’s go home.” “… Home…?” she asked, confused. “Or you’d rather go out to eat before that?” he asked, smiling at her. “You’re insane.” She muttered, looking up at him. “I want pizza and cake.” Her whole demeanour changed all of a sudden to the one 5 years ago, when they were together. It was her real self. “Sure. I know a nice place for that.” He declared, pushing her backwards a bit, to get a better look at her. “Say… Did you really talk to him, or did you trick me? And don’t try to lie again, I can see right through you.” She asked, looking him in the eyes to detect any line of lying. “…Yes, I did. I intended to fight him, but he chose to talk. He confessed that, to provide for your family, he needed to get money from loan sharks and other bad guys, and since he wasn’t able to pay them back, he had to be on the run, that’s why he couldn’t endanger you with that. And then, when he was able to kill them, he would return to Japan and take you away from there… But that’s when he got diagnosed with a terminal disease. He’d rather you think he abandoned you, than have you go through so much danger and loss, he said. He looked awful, hence why he didn’t have the courage to see you today. He gave me this. It’s for you.” From his pocket, he took out a small pouch – It was embellished and embroidered really nicely. “Ah… I see… This pouch… I remember it.” She muttered, taking it in her hands. “My mother did this for him when he began courting her. When he was fighting, he was afraid he’d destroy his wedding ring… So he preciously kept it here, as his most prized possession. This is his way of blessing you. As my boyfriend.” She took out the ring that sparkles so beautifully on the silver necklace chain and held it in her hand as if it was a small cloud. “That jerk. He always knew what to do when it came to me. Gosh, how I hate him.” Despite saying that, she smiled and shook her head, holding the ring in a tight grip to her chest, before taking a hold of Kaoru’s hand and putting the ring in his hand, before closing his fist and then walking away. “It’s the last chance I’m giving you. Don’t screw it up again, okay?” “I won’t even dream of it.” With a chuckle, he went to walk by her side before sneaking her arm around her waist and dipping her down into a deep, passionate kiss, as a way to seal that fateful promise. “Maybe I did a good job 5 years ago, after all.” The teasing smirk she gave him was the same as back then, he remembered it all too well. It only made him want to kiss her even more. No matter what she wore, how she looked, the way she’d do her make up or what accessories she’d put on, she only needed to smile at him, and she’d put to shame any other woman, his heart beating faster than ever - What a beautiful butterfly he was dating, and this time, he was never letting go of her ever again.

And so, he kissed her one more time.

[settlingdownwithandybiersack]

Like a Virgin (Part One)

(This story is from my old account, But I made some HUGE changes lol. The request for this story was originally the reader loses their virginity to Andy and that Ashley was her brother, I did trade Ashley in the story for Lonny.)

(A/N) SPOILER ALERT -  Reader does in fact lose their virginity (If you aren’t into smut I did put a warning right before)

My name is (Y/N) I am (Y/O) years old... And I am a virgin.

Those words were never a problem for me to say, In fact, I've always been proud of myself for waiting. Ever since the day I learned what sex was I knew I wanted to wait until I was with the man I loved. I suppose it did also help that my brother would kill any man who tried to take it away from me... let alone touch me.

But I can admit I have grown increasingly more curious about the act. Ever since Andy and I have gotten together... The only issue is Andy and my brother are band mates... And things are becoming problematic... Fast.

Knock knock knock

The loud thuds of Lonny’s fist hitting the door at first caused me to jump.  “Andy’s not in there is he?” Lonny questioned. To be honest I was surprised he didn’t just barge in. “No Lon, The coast is clear...” I groaned audibly. “Good!” He chimed as he threw the door open. “For the record, If Andy ever is in your room, Please leave the door open okay?” Lon let out a laugh but I knew he was serious.

“Okay, Dad.” I remarked. Lonny’s joking demeanor turned into a look of defeat . “(Y/N)... I’m sorry okay? I’m just looking out for you…” I couldn't help but stare at him in shock. “What? You don’t trust us? ME!?” I snapped harshly. “No! God no… You aren’t the issue! I- Of course I trust the both of you. Hell Andy’s practically my brother.” My face morphed into a look of disgust. “Please don’t ever call Andy your brother...” I let out a loud laugh. Lonny rolled his eyes. “You know what I mean though... I don’t want you to do anything you’re not ready for... Plus you're my sister and I really don’t wanna know or think about that kind of stuff happening.” Lonny reasoned. “Then let’s stop talking about this. Okay?” I concluded. Lonny hugged me before planting a kiss at the top of my head. He proceeded to get up to leave my room when I stopped him. “Wait, So why did you even come in here?” Lonny continued to walk away but I could still clearly hear him say. “I just wanted to interrupt you if Andy was in here, And to let you know I’m leaving for practice.” I rolled my eyes as I flopped back down onto my bed.

Lonny pulled up into the parking lot instantly spotting Andy who greeted him at his door. “It’s about time you showed up.” Andy joked. “Yeah, yeah. I was having a little talk with your girlfriend, About not doing shit you don’t wanna do.” Lonny gave Andy a teasing but still stern look while Andy let out a noticeable sigh. “Dude, You really have got to stop this. You know I wouldn’t ever do anything to hurt her. I also don’t want the fact of me dating (Y/N) to get in the way of us or this band.” Lonny nodded in reply knowing Andy was being genuine. “I know, I know… It’s just she’s my little sister.” Andy couldn’t help but cut him off. “Yeah, Your sister who also just so happens to be capable of making her own decisions, The same sister whose told me multiple times that I'm being a fucking idiot. The sister whose not afraid to speak her mind or stand up for what she believe in. That sister?” Lonny nodded in confirmation “Yeah, Yeah I know. But to me, she will always be my little sister.” Andy rested his hand on top of Lon’s shoulder. “That’s completely fine, Just please keep in mind I won’t ever do anything to hurt her or do anything she isn’t okay with. Now come on let’s get started, We don't have this space all day.” Lonny knowingly agreed so he began unpacking his car and moving his bass guitar inside.

Closer to the end of practice, Andy sent out a text letting me know they were almost done. The text read “Hey baby girl, It looks like we will be packing up in roughly less than an hour. Do you wanna catch a late movie? Maybe get some dinner?” I replied with a quick. “Absolutely.” Without hesitation I decided to show up for the last few minutes of practice. I decided to sit in one of the empty chairs and patiently wait, I was just in time to see them clean up as they joked around with one another.

After a few short minutes Andy looked over in my direction instantly locking eyes with me. His smile gleamed as he rushed my direction. I stood up just in time to get swept off my feet. “My Love.” He stated before kissing me playfully. 

The sound of someone clearing their voice caused Andy to place me back on my feet. We both glanced over to where the sound came from revealing Lonny. “Yes?” I asked. “ I just wanted to say that Jinx wanted me to come over to talk about some ideas he had... He offered his guest bedroom so I won’t be home tonight.” He replied. “Okay?” I answered back. “No fucking around though alright?” He ordered back. “Lonny!” I exclaimed feeling attacked. “I just mean don’t set the place on fire while I'm gone.” He claimed. I rolled my eyes. “Whatever, I’ll see you tomorrow then.” I linked my arm around Andy and pulled him out of the building. Lonny replied with some nonsense that I couldn’t be bothered to hear.

“Would you wanna spend the night at my house? Since Lonny won’t be there...” I questioned as we got closer to my car.  Andy chuckled before nodding. “Yeah absolutely, It’ll be nice sleeping at your house for once.”

We stopped by Andy’s to collect a few items for tonight so he wouldn’t have to leave super early tomorrow. The thing is Lonny would never have prevented Andy from sleeping over before, In fact, Lonny would have preferred us to sleep there more often so he would know nothing would happen. We just never slept at my house in fear that Lon would give Andy more speeches. If I’m being honest it was more of a me issue rather then a them issue. It had always just been easier to sleep over at Andy’s since he was alone.

(Sexual Scene’s Up Ahead)

Even though Andy and I have never actually had sex, We were still extremely intimate with each other. With that being said our night started off by taking a hot shower together, Only this time things felt different. I found myself craving him.

 Andy had always been a fan of having his hands on me, But he was much more cautious when we were both naked. I decided while he was washing his hair to grasp his noticeable length, This was something I’ve done before however this time I decided tonight was the night things would escalate.

“I want you.” I whispered, As I began moving my hand slowly up and down his shaft. “(Y/N)... Baby… This might not be the best place for that.” Andy moaned softly, While he held onto the wall of the shower trying to remain stable. I began to kiss his collarbone making my way up to his neck, I continued all the way up until I was at his ear. “This is the perfect place.” I paused before adding. “I want to experience everything.”

Andy’s eye’s locked onto mine before he spoke. “Wait are you serious? (Y/N) you know I’ll wait as long as you want.” Andy leaned his forehead onto mine as he softly spoke. “I love you, I’m ready. Andy, I want you… I want all of you. If you aren’t planning on leaving me, I don’t see a reason to wait any longer.” 

I watched as Andy bit his lower lip, I could tell he wanted me as badly as I wanted him. He softly placed his hand on the nape of my neck. “I’m never going anywhere without you. I promise.” Andy pulled me into his kiss as I smiled against his lips. My tongue danced with his. I wrapped my arms around his neck as he lifted me up, I wrapped my legs around his waist causing his member to become more excited. I teased him as I nipped at his bottom lip which in return caused Andy to smile against my kiss. His head moved down towards my neck where he left a trail of kisses.

Within no time I found myself sitting on the showers floor feeling the sensation of Andy’s fingers tracing my thighs as his lips kissed my hips. My toes curled in anticipation, My back arched craving more. I could tell he was enjoying this just as much as I was because when we would lock eyes he would smile and make his way back up towards my lips, On his way he would kiss my ribs, In between my breasts and my collar bone. I could feel his considerable length on my thigh and I would beg him to take me, and all he would say is. “Relax and be a good girl, Okay? Just enjoy yourself.” My body would squirm not knowing how much longer I could take it. 

Andy wrapped his arms around me pulling me up back to my feet, Our lips locked the whole time as I ran my fingers threw his hair.

Breathlessly I asked. “What’s the best position for my first time?” Andy returned to my lips where he brushed his against mine leaving soft kisses. “I want you to be in control, But for now follow my lead.” He explained. I nodded. Andy rested his pointer finger onto my lips in return I welcomed it into my mouth, After a few seconds he removed it and began kissing along my neck as his hand traced my body until he reached my thighs. I wrapped my arms around his neck for support as my body took full control, My legs spread apart slightly giving him enough access. His pointer finger effortlessly slid inside while he used his thumb to create little circles on my clit. Before I knew it his middle finger had found it’s way inside of me filling me up. Every single movement his fingers would make sent a wave of sensations throughout my body. I couldn’t understand why I had waited this long.

Andy laid down in the walk in shower as he directed me to crouch over top of him. “This is where you’ll have full control. Take me at your own speed.” He instructed. “Shouldn’t I pleasure you first?” I inquired. Andy shook his head. “No, This is about you.” He added. “Won’t it hurt without saliva?” I pondered out loud. “The water should be enough Love, If not I'll help you.” He concluded. 

Andy held his member upright as I hovered above it. I slowly lowered myself onto him. Once I could feel his tip enter me I paused. Andy moved his hands to my hips where he helped hold me up. After a moment of hesitation I continued until his head was fully inside of me. 

I could tell Andy was attempting to contain his excitement but his breathing gave his secret away. I shifted my position from balancing on my feet to being on my knees the deeper Andy explored me. Before I knew it I had taken all of him and was sitting on him. I couldn’t help but smile as I realized how huge of a step we had just taken. I arched over to kiss Andy and that’s when he took my face into his hands and arched his back causing me to rock forward. Our lips locked as I instinctively rocked my body back and forth allowing the pleasure to move me. Every sound that escaped his lips caused me to move faster and faster in hopes I would hear more and I did. Andy’s hands explored my body all while I focused on exploring what I enjoyed. I found that I liked it best when he would put slight pressure on my belly while I experienced the sensation of having him fully and deeply inside of me. Every time I came close to finishing Andy would take control allowing me to have unexplainable orgasms, Sometimes one directly after the other. This went on until I felt like my body couldn’t handle anything else.

“Where do you want me to finish?” He questioned within pants. I was feeling euphoric at this point so I kept our bodies in motion while I called out. “Inside of me.” Andy obeyed. Neither of us caring about the consequences. I laid on top of him as I felt the water turn from hot to iced cold, The sudden change caused me to leap up. Andy joined me as he panickily turned the knobs off. 

I looked over at Andy and began laughing. “Of course that would happen to us.” I confirmed. Andy joined me with a towel and a chuckle. He wrapped us both in the singular oversized towel, Since my legs forgot how to work Andy was a perfect gentleman he wrapped my legs around his body and carried me out into the hallway where we met the shock of our lives.

(Smut scene is over)

“Lonny!” Andy shouted. “What, What are you doing here?” He asked while placing me down attempting to keep us both as covered up as possible. “I should ask you the same thing, What the fuck!? (Y/N) I thought you said you weren’t going to fuck anyone!? And you! Fucking my sister in my home!?” Lonny completely lost it. “Our home Lon, This is my home too!” I scolded. “(Y/N) stay the fuck out of this! Dude, If you weren’t fucking naked I would kick your fucking ass.” Lon threatened. “Fine, Stay right there, Give me five minutes and you’ll get your way.” Andy spoke calmly. I grabbed his arm tightly “What are you doing?” I questioned with fear filled eyes. “I’m going to go get dressed and if he really wants to fight me then so be it.” Andy walked with me back to the bathroom where we redressed.

Just as he promised within five minutes we were back out into the hallway where Lon waited. “Just get the fuck out of here.” Lonny replied as soon as he heard us. Andy grasped my hand. “No, I can’t do that. I promised your sister that if she really wanted to… Well you know, That I wouldn’t leave her. I’m not about to break that promise, Not today… Not ever. I didn’t just fuck her dude, She means the world to me to just fuck… I love her, I’m in love with her. So if you wanna kick my ass then fine, But I’m sorry I’m not leaving... At least I'm not leaving without her.” He stated confidently.

I watched as Lonny tried to find the correct words to fight back, But he couldn’t he was speechless. “(Y/N) do you wanna spend the night at my place tonight?” Andy asked but before I could reply Lonny interrupted. “No, Stay here… Both of you. I just, I came here to apologize to (Y/N) for early and anyway Jinx is waiting for me in the driveway. I swear on everything dude if you do end up hurting her I'm kicking your ass...” Lonny reasoned. Andy nodded understandingly. “That’s fair, But I know I'm never going to hurt her.”

Knowing that everything was going to be alright I hugged Lonny. He headed back towards the front door and before leaving made the remark of. “Oh, By the way guys... No having sex while I'm home alright?” I rolled my eyes and threw a pillow at the door after him.  We waited a few minutes after Lonny left to triple lock the doors leaving me time to ask “Ready for round two?”

(There is a part two and I can edit/post it if you all seem to enjoy this)

[manonblaqkbeak]

Midnight Cravings

so, i actually wrote most of this in july but never finished it and decided to fix it up for todays prompt bc i was feeling a lil lazy lol. and i think its one of my faves, especially the ending.

2.2k words

cw: none

enjoy!! :)

It was just past two in the morning and Aelin was wide awake. Not due to a mountain of paperwork, or a nightmare or one of her kids needing her. Aelin was wide awake because she was absolutely starving.

The type of starving it felt like she'd never eaten a day in her life. Like her stomach was going to eat itself.

Her stomach growled again, louder than before, and beside her, his voice muffled, Rowan asked, “Is that your stomach or the wind outside?”

“Shut up,” Aelin mumbled, as her stomach continued its song. Gods, why was she so hungry? She practically devoured the fruits in the fruit bowl just before bed, she had a healthy serving of dinner, and a large slice of chocolate torte for dessert.

But here she was, close to eating her damned pillow to sate her starvation.

Aelin glanced over towards her mate, his back to her, and she shuffled closer, resting her chin on his shoulder.

“Rowan,” she started to say, but Rowan cut her off.

“I'm not going to the kitchens.”

She pouted, although he couldn't see her. “Please?” she knew that if she used her manners, then he would do just about anything.

But it didn't work. Not just yet. “There's some fruit in the bowl.”

“I ate them all.” He sighed heavily, knowing that he was losing this conversation. “Please? I am your mate, your wife, the mother of your children.”

Rowan snorted. “Really? I was starting to suspect that the three silver-haired children were Lorcan's.”

Her hunger nearly disappeared at the thought of that. “Don't be gross.” Reaching over, Aelin kissed the tip of his ear, smiling as he shuddered in pleasure as she nibbled on it. “Please?”

Rowan sighed heavily, knowing that he lost, and Aelin barely hid her smile. “I'll go,” he said. “But only if you join me.”

Her smile did disappear at that. “But the bed is so warm.”

“Exactly. If I have to leave it, so do you.”

“Fine,” she mumbled reluctantly, but quickly perked up, realising that she would be getting food. Rowan was a much better cook than her. Aelin used to have basic cooking skills, but with being Queen and then becoming a mother, she never cooked anymore and really had no need to; not with multiple cooks under the palace roof. She did try a few years ago as a treat for her family, but everything turned into a crisp and wasn't even suitable for the dogs in the kennels.

Scrambling out of bed, the Queen and King of Terrasen tied on their robes and put on their slippers. Aelin loved the sight of Rowan looking so domestic, it was ridiculous how much she loved it.

Since Isolde was only six months old and far too young to be left behind, Rowan put her in the wooden carrier to take with them into the kitchens, their movements silent as the grave as they transferred their youngest from her crib and into the crafty carrier—Isolde was the only one of their children that slept soundlessly through the night at such a young age, and loathed to be woken up. As Rowan did that, Aelin checked in on Alder in his room, their son a little over three years old, but he slept like a log and Aelin knew that he wouldn't wake up at any point when they were gone.

As they left their chambers, Aelin nearly ruined all their good work and almost woke up their other children when she bit out a curse at the sudden leg cramp that shot up her right calf. Rowan glanced at her, asking if she was okay, and after a moment she was, although she was left a little dazed at the suddenness of it all.

Aelin's legs had been cramping randomly of late, but she didn't notice anything of concern. If it continued, she would go to Magnolia and see if anything could be done about it. The last thing Aelin needed was to fall ill, she had far too many things to do with winter arriving in a few weeks. She did know that if anything was wrong with her, that she could rely on Rowan completely.

Aelin's stomach growled for the umpteenth time, the sound lasting for a good minute before it settled. Isolde fidgeted in her sleep, but did not wake.

“I think your stomach was just trying to talk to me.”

“It was,” Aelin agreed. “It said that we need to hurry the hell up or it's going to disintegrate.”

“We better do as it says then. It'd be cruel to subject Terrasen to a hungry Queen. No one should suffer as I do when you're starving.”

“You make me sound horrible.”

“You are,” he said, humour dancing in his dark eyes. “And not just when you're hungry.”

Aelin mumbled under her breath. Rowan decided to pretend not to hear her, even as he fought a smile.

After what felt like an eternity, they reached the kitchens, Rowan placing Isolde onto the counter closest to them. Aelin rushed towards the bowls of fruit, grabbing an apple and a pear, eating the fruits simultaneously. She missed the small, private smile Rowan gave her as he went to the pantry, asking her what she was in the mood for, one eye on their child. But still, she slept and Rowan for a moment, wished that all of their children had been like that, but knew that there was no point in complaining when they all slept quietly now.

“Something filling,” was all Aelin could think of to say. But after a moment decided on an omelette, filled with bacon, mushrooms, onion, red bell-peppers and carrot. As she and Rowan prepped the ingredients—with Rowan wanting his own omelette—Aelin contemplated in silence, her brows furrowed as she chopped up the carrots.

“What are you thinking about, Fireheart?” Rowan asked when he noticed his wife's expression.

“Just trying to remember the last time I was this hungry. I've been like this for at least a week and a half.”

“I've noticed. You haven't had this big of an appetite for a good number of years.”

She didn't comment on that, lost in her own world. “And my legs have been cramping lately too. I haven't injured myself. Have I been sleeping in strange positions?”

“No, you're sleeping just fine.”

Her frown deepened. “Maybe I'm just stressed for the winter preparations.”

“Possibly, I know that you worry a lot for the people during winter.” They both did, as the winters in Terrasen were brutal. Each year there was always a small number of people that passed due to the cold for a number of reasons. When those lists made their way in Aelin's hands, it always hit her hard, her guilt a palpable thing, even after Rowan would tell her that it was in no way her fault.

But that wasn't the reasons for her consuming hunger and leg cramps—Rowan had noticed the change in her scent weeks ago and when he noticed, he thought that Aelin would too. But she was completely oblivious and he didn't want to spoil the surprise, although it was getting harder each day not to say something.

However, he couldn't help but count back the weeks to the day of conception. He was fairly certain that it was when Aelin had been reading a particularly steamy novel on the window seat in their sitting room and jumped on him like they had never had sex before when he had come to ask if she was joining him in bed.

It would fit in with list of unusual places they have conceived their children. Elentiya had been in the library (either in the archives or in Aelin and Rowan's private nook, neither were sure), Norrin against an oak tree (which they discovered after they have calmed down that the Little Folk had watched the entire encounter, with Aelin becoming stuck between wanting to laugh or hide under a rock), Alder against one of the many palace chimneys, and Isolde in a linen closet.

Maybe one day they would conceive a child in their bed like most people did.

They got to cooking, with Rowan standing behind Aelin and guiding her with the wooden spoon and plating their midnight meal before it burned into a crisp. Isolde babbled in her sleep as the sounds of cooking reached her, but still slept. It wouldn't be long, however, until she woke up to be fed. Aelin placed their youngest by her feet as they sat down at the small dining table in the far corner of the kitchen where the workers took their breaks.

The smile on Aelin's face as she bit into the fluffy omelette was certainly worth being woken up in the middle of the night.

However, her fork stilled in mid-air when she was halfway done when realisation dawned on her.

Finally.

“I'm pregnant,” was all she said, her Ashryver eyes growing wide. Rowan didn't bother to hide his smile. This was why he didn't say anything. It was always worth it when she revealed those beautiful words to him. “Rowan, I'm pregnant. The last time I was this hungry was when I was pregnant with Alder and the leg cramps are from Norrin's pregnancy. And all the fruit I can't stop eating is just like when I was pregnant with Isolde. How haven't I noticed anything?”

“You've been busy,” Rowan said, reaching over to take her hands in his and kissed her fingers.

“You knew, didn't you?” Aelin asked, her eyes narrowed just slightly.

“I may have noticed.”

“You should have told me.”

“I like it better when you come to the realisation yourself,” he said simply.

Aelin shot out of her seat and sat on his lap, a pretty smile gracing her face as she wrapped her arms around his shoulders, her fingers playing the the hair at the nape of his neck. Rowan wound his arms around her waist and kissed her on the cheeks, the tips of her nose, the corner of her lips and then her mouth.

Aelin hummed contentedly and kissed him back. When they broke apart, she rested her forehead against his.

“We're insane.”

Rowan laughed deeply at the sudden statement. “What makes you say that?”

“We're having a fifth baby. Lorcan and Elide only have three and I always thought that they'd have at least a dozen, but they don't and we're about to have five. That's insane. We're insane.”

“We are, but I like that about us,” he said, kissing her again. Her face was open and soft, her eyes dancing with happiness, but he still found himself asking, “Are you okay with it?”

“Of course I am, buzzard. More than words can say.” Aelin kissed him to emphasise that fact, his hand reaching down onto her belly and was content to stay like that forever. She couldn’t believe how lucky she was. She always thought that she’d just have one child, maybe two, but to have five was something she never dreamed of.

Isolde finally decided to wake up and scream her displeasure at being hungry. Aelin was off him in an instant, cooing at their daughter as Aelin sat back in her seat and fed not just herself, but Isolde at the same time. His mate was spectacular at multitasking like that.

They couldn't wait to meet their fifth child.

X X X X X X

Rowan was surprised that his children hadn't kicked down the doors to the bedchamber with how excited they were. Even little Isolde was a ball of energy and she was by far their most quiet child. Rowan lead them to their mother, reminding them that they had to be quiet and gentle, because mama had just gone through a long process of bringing in their new sibling into the world.

They entered the bedchamber and Aelin greeted them with a tired but loving smile telling them to come meet their new sister, the kids went onto the bed, surrounding Aelin and the baby, happiness and wonderment in their eyes as they took in the little bundle of joy, her silver hair stark against her lightly tanned skin. She had opened her eyes briefly during her first feeding and Aelin had groaned playfully when she spotted that they were pine-green, muttering how of course I labour for a whole day to give birth to another you. But he knew that she didn't care if she was born with green hair and yellow eyes, Aelin loved her immensely.

“What's her name, mama?” Elentiya asked softly, carefully trailing a finger down her sisters cheek.

“Elowynn-Yrene.” Rowan would never forget the pure joy in Yrene's eyes when Aelin asked if the healer would give them her blessing to grace their child with her name, as a thank you for all the years of coming down and helping Aelin, for eradicating Erawan, and for being a great friend to both of them. It had taken them a few minutes to convince their friend, citing that the honour was far too much, but Yrene eventually said "yes".

“That's pretty,” Alder supplied, a wide smile on his face. Aelin kissed his temple and thanked him for his kind words.

Aelin moved her eyes from Alder to Rowan, smiling as her mate stood there, taking them in.

His family, their family. Never did he think he would be so blessed to have this.

His and Aelin's children; the most beautiful thing Rowan had ever seen.

Rowan went and joined his family on the bed, the smile on his face one of Aelin's favourites.

[bookofmirth]

I was reading your conversation with an Anon about Elain’s choice and I agree with everything you both said, but I just wanted to add some more details! You were saying that no one knows Elain or cares much about her choices, which is 100 true, but I would also say that no one, especially not Beron would stand up for Lucien or make a fuss in his name over the mating bond. It feels so disingenuous to keep accusing Lucien of taking her choice away when he also had zero choice in the matter and he’s possibly the most underdog character in the entire series. He doesn’t have a home, a court, a family, or anyone to support him for that matter. He has two humans in his court which seems hilariously small compared to Elain’s arsenal of support. Maybe Tamlin, but right now he’s a villain and a mess. People also keep pointing out that Rhys is keep her and Azriel apart, but I feel like that was a very logical decision. Her mate is literally in the house and Rhysand must’ve felt something to wake up and catch them in the act. Telling Azriel to chill out and leave Elain be with all of the circumstances is quite frankly normal. But I really don’t think anyone would take Lucien’s side if Elain just made a decision. You know that if she rejects Lucien and pursues Azriel, Rhysand would protect his brother and his mate’s sister from whatever Lucien could muster up. And, especially the way the IC thinks of him (weak but with important insight as a courtier), I doubt any of them would be too scared to stand up to him. His connections as of yet are an asset, but I think his mind is what brings more to the table, political knowledge and analytical thinking. And while those are valuable, I doubt Rhys values him even in the same ballpark as he values Azriel. I’m sure Lucien will reach his full potential as heir to Day Court soon but they don’t really know his true powers and abilities, Helion doesn’t know his son, no one could accuse them of knowing/suspecting his true identity, and if the night court wiped out another son of Beron’s, it’d just be adding to the already existing conflict. This is by no means Lucien’s fault, he’s been wronged by so many at every turn, including Feyre btw. I think the choice solely lies in Elain’s hands and the fact that she hasn’t made a choice or didn’t even bother to know how to deal with Lucien is a testament to her character, that’s what she needs to improve from. I’m assuming that her trauma will be her catatonic state: she complains about never being seen, never being taken seriously but she also eases into that role right now and I think she will have a healing journey which emboldens her to take control of her own life, not listen to her mother’s toxic advice about marrying rich and being a wife, but doing things she wants, not waiting for some guy to save her, etc. I’m an Elucien girlie myself, but if at the end of that healing journey she rejects Lucien, that’s also her choice, just more informed. If she rejects him earlier, that’s nothing but her choice as well, but she hasn’t made one. I also don’t see how people jump to the stalking/harassing conclusion when he doesn’t do anything but give her a gift once a year. Sorry about this massive message lol but E/riel people have worn me down 🥲

It feels so disingenuous to keep accusing Lucien of taking her choice away when he also had zero choice in the matter and he’s possibly the most underdog character in the entire series.

The funny thing to me is that it's not actually Lucien who has "taken" Elain's choices - like you said, Lucien didn't choose the mating bond either, and he's been very hands-off for 2+ years. If anyone has "forced" elucien to be together it's Sarah, because sjm is the one who made them mates. And why? Because they're going to be together. idk why people wanna act like a fictional character is being harmed by their creator, but it sure is hilarious to watch in real time.

Like... people were bringing up those tweets from 2015 where Sarah said that Lucien would have someone special, at the same time she was writing the elucien mating bond and retconning Lucien's daddy so that Lucien would be High Lord of Day, so that Lucien's parentage fits into Elain's personality. acomaf came out in 2016. It doesn't get more ~obvious~ than that. Then sjm kept going with that in acowar, with Lucien saying that Elain needs sunlight. Why are people acting surprised that elucien are still mates. It's because Sarah paired them, for a reason.

So...... sure, people can act like poor little Elain has been victimized by the mating bond, even though there is zero evidence of that in the text, but sjm is the one who loves that trope and she's the one who mated elucien. Take it up with her, I guess.

Her mate is literally in the house [...] I think the choice solely lies in Elain’s hands and the fact that she hasn’t made a choice or didn’t even bother to know how to deal with Lucien is a testament to her character, that’s what she needs to improve from.

idgaf what people think about me saying this, but Elain pulling this while Lucien was in the house and she hasn't said shit about the mating bond was rude. Full stop! It was inconsiderate as fuck. I like Elain and I think she was doing this (IE almost kissing Az) to rebel against her perceived restrictions - doesn't make it any less potentially hurtful. And note I said "perceived", because her failure to assert herself is not the same thing as others' refusal to let her do more. Those are two things that have gone hand in hand to get her where she is today. Elain is the one who hasn't done anything about the mating bond. She has the power, the control, she's just not doing anything about it.

Does Elain owe Lucien anything as a person/woman? No. Does she owe him anything as a mate? Yeah, she fucking does! It's called being a grown ass person and recognizing when your actions, intentionally or not, are harming someone else. And Lucien cannot extract himself from this situation. He is literally magically bound to Elain, and so her actions impact him in ways that he has no control over. (This is why the situation with Mor and Az is different, btw, because Az absolutely has control over his own behavior in regards to her.)

I honestly wouldn't be surprised if literally the only reason Elain said her breathy little "yes" is because Lucien was there in the house. That's maybe an issue for a different post, though.

All of this is moot, honestly, because it's clear that sjm mated them to be together, she just hasn't gotten around to telling their story. It's annoying af, but it's a habit she has. She sidelines characters if they aren't the MCs, despite... books like CC and ToG where she never had to do that.

she complains about never being seen, never being taken seriously but she also eases into that role right now

YES it's totally a double-edged sword because I think that Elain did benefit from this, and now she's feeling stifled by it. She created this situation by being passive her entire life, and now she's understandably sick of it. But she can't act like it's not a trap of her own making.

And just generally, on the subject of Elain, why is it that people can like Eris and know he's a trashbag who has done trashbag things, but if we admit that Elain has been less than perfect, we don't "really" like her character? It's the double standards, for me. Sorry my girl is a hot mess but it's true. I can embrace the mess. It smells like roses, after all.

[let-it-raines]

What a Lie We’re In (1/3)

All Emma was doing was trying to be nice. Her roommate didn’t have anywhere to go, so she invited him home for the holidays. She thought it would be fine and Killian would be a good buffer for a week at home with her parents. That is until her ex-boyfriend showed up, and while she was freaking out, Killian told him they were dating.

That would have been fine except her parents overheard it.

(A Christmas Fake Dating AU)

Rating: Mature 

a/n: What? A holiday fake dating story? So original, you say? No one has ever done it before? Especially not me. lol. Forget all of that, and let’s jump into this trope-a-palooza of a holiday story!

Big thank you to @resident-of-storybrooke for reading over this and convincing me that I still know how to write ❤️

ao3: | HERE |

-/-

“Did you eat all of my candy?”

Emma opens another cabinet, looking inside to the wine glasses and tumblers, before closing it. She’s been keeping her bag of candy in the cabinet where they keep their plates and bowls, hidden at the very top behind some reusable water bottles. Killian is a healthy eater, always stocking the fridge with fruits and vegetables and food she doesn’t think is actually real food, so she didn’t think she had to hide her junk food that well.

Hide it, yes. Hide it well, no.

Until now.

“What was that, love?”

Emma slams another cabinet closed and turns to look at Killian. He’s walking out of the bathroom, chest still damp, and only has a white towel wrapped around his waist. When he first moved into the apartment six months ago after Ruby abandoned Emma to go live with Dorothy (live with, get married to, same thing), Emma was taken aback by the lack of clothes wearing Killian partakes in. He’s an attractive man. She’s not blind. He goes to the gym as often as she does, but mostly, he spends a lot of time doing heavy lifting at his job as a contractor since he apparently likes to be hands-on, literally. His body is toned, and the son of the bitch knows it. He also knows he’s got the face to be able to get away with a lot of…well, a lot.

At first, it was all disconcerting, but now, he could walk around with his dick out and Emma wouldn’t care.

What she cares about is where her candy is. That’s the real priority. But she knows Killian will try to use his lack of clothes to distract her. Never worked in the past, not gonna work now, bud.

“My candy,” Emma repeats. “Where is it?”

He wipes behind his ear with the small towel in his hand. “I wouldn’t touch the stuff. You don’t like the good candy.”

“Well, my good candy has been moved, and we’re the only two people who live here.”

Emma places her hands on her hips, staring him down hoping he will somehow be intimidated by her stare and fess up to everything. He won’t be, but Emma can try. They both have their tactics.

Killian clicks his tongue. “What about the fellow you brought home last week?”

“Do you mean the plumber?”

“Was that who he was?”

“You know I don’t bring guys back here.” Emma moves from the counter and opens the fridge, taking out a handful of grapes from the fridge. She probably needs to eat some of them and not candy anyway. As she pops one into her mouth, that’s when it clicks. “Your girlfriend ate my candy, didn’t she?”

He scoffs and keeps drying his hair, but she sees the way he scratches his ear. Gotcha, Jones. “I don’t believe I have a girlfriend.”

“What? Tink break up with you because you wouldn’t let her eat dessert on your dates? Wait, I heard it. Don’t make it dirty.” Killian walks toward her, getting in her space, and she knows him well enough to know he wants her to flinch, to move, to stop her line of questioning. That’s exactly why she doesn’t want to. Emma pops another grape in her mouth. “Did you eat my candy? Was it your way of wallowing? It’s okay if you did. I’ll take another bag for payment.”

“For your information, Swan,” he whispers as he places his hand on her hip, “we are no longer seeing each other, but it was mutual. She did, however, eat your candy when she was last here. If you really want to know, we used it to – ”

“Stop,” Emma groans, pushing him away and running to the other side of the kitchen. “Nope. Don’t take that any further. Some things should be left private.”

His head tilts back as he laughs, the underside of his jaw black with stubble, and then he’s reaching into the cabinet above the fridge and tossing her the bag of sweets.

Oh.

“I hid it after Will and Rob found it while we were playing cards last night. Will nearly went through all your milk duds before I realized what was happening.” He raises his brow. “You have something you want to say to me?”

Emma knows what he’s aiming for, and she isn’t going to give it to him.

“Yeah,” Emma says, “you need a thicker towel. I don’t think you want people seeing you when you look like…that.” She nods her head down and then picks up a handful of Kit Kats. “I gotta go to work.”

“Off to die inside at your cubicle, love?”

“Oh, you know it.”

Emma grabs her purse and unlocks the door only to hear Killian speak. “It’s December. How do you still have Halloween candy leftover?”

Emma shrugs. “I bought one bag to pass out to kids, two bags for me.”

“Bloody brilliant.”

“I do what I can. See you tonight. I’ll try not to wake you up from your nap when I come in.”

“That would be the least you could do.”

Emma rolls her eyes, but then she’s officially walking out the door of her apartment and down toward the elevator, a Kit Kat bar hanging out of the side of her mouth.

The thing about Killian Jones is that he’s simple to her.

He likes his friends, his job, his rum, and his women. There’s not much else to him, and Emma is okay with that. While her last roommate was her best friend, this one doesn’t have to be. He can just be a guy who pays the bills so she can keep living in a nice place and who, on occasion, talks shit about other people with her while they binge watch TV.

That’s all she needs.

And all and all, Killian Jones is a…fine roommate. Yeah, fine is an accurate way to describe him at least eighty percent of the time.

Even if she does get annoyed when he brings his dates home. But that’s only because it’s always on the nights she plans on going to bed early, and the noise of other people being around keeps her from catching up on sleep.

Emma is not one to mess around on sleep.

But yeah, he’s fine. Annoying as hell over half the time, but he’s fine in the small dosages she sees him in. He works odd hours, isn’t always on the job, and she is stuck with regular hours in her office. There’s not a lot of glory in working HR for a small engineering company, but that’s what happens when you make dumbass decisions like Emma did. She’s lucky she has a stable job. She’ll try not to complain too much about it.

That’s what she tells herself every morning when she sits in her car and stares at the drab brick building.

Money. She has to make money.

And hey, she gets almost an entire week off for Christmas next week, and that’s fucking incredible, even if she does have to spend it in her hometown with her parents and their Hallmark-like attitude toward the holiday and the events it puts on. Her mom is a teacher at the elementary school and produces the Christmas play every year while her dad is a vet and outfits all his patients in little holiday bandanas and bows. He even has a tree in his office decorated with bone ornaments.

It’s…a lot. But it’s family, and as Emma stares at this building that’s sucking the life out of her, she can’t wait to have a change of pace and some home-cooked meals, even if there are as many downsides as upsides to going home. Her Kit Kat bars aren’t giving her the nutrients she knows she needs.

Being an adult is not all it’s cracked up to be sometimes, especially when going home for the holidays is seen as more of a burden than a gift with a fancy bow on top. It’s more like that turkey that dries up and falls to pieces in National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.

Well, that and the squirrel crashing every decoration in the house.

Happy holidays.

-/-

“Nah, mate, I don’t have any plans.”

Emma quietly puts her keys down on the table next to her front door, laying her purse down with it, and she kicks her boots off until they topple over each other and lay in the middle of the hallway. She can hear Killian talking, and it gets even louder when she walks into the kitchen and turns on the coffee maker.

“No, no, well, you know, I rarely do anything, not since Liam.” There’s a pause as the coffee begins to percolate and Emma grabs another Kit Kat from her bag. “I went home with Milah once, but that was years ago…no, mate, it’s alright. I don’t mind staying here by myself…yeah, I think Emma is going home to her parents.”

And that’s when she realizes what Killian is talking about.

Christmas plans.

He doesn’t have any. Emma didn’t know that. She didn’t really bother to ask. She doesn’t bother to ask much of Killian. She picks up pieces here and there, as she’s sure he does to her, but they mind their own business.

He doesn’t have a family to go home to? She knows he’s originally from England, but still. There must be someone.

“I’ll talk to you later,” Killian says. “I promise if I need anything, I’ll let you know. Alright, bye Scarlet.”

The coffee finishes, and Emma picks the pot up and starts pouring, filling her large mug halfway before getting hazelnut creamer out of the fridge and making the coffee drinkable. Killian joins her in the kitchen and perches himself on one of their stools.

“Good day at work?” he asks.

“Eh, it was a day. You?”

He shrugs. “The same. I’m finishing up on this house tomorrow, hopefully, so tomorrow will be a good day.”

Emma nods and sips on her coffee as Killian taps his fingers on the counter, the rhythm the same as the song he usually hums when cooking. “So, when are you heading for Storybrooke?” he asks.

“Monday after work.” Killian nods and keeps tapping his fingers, and Emma, stupidly opens her mouth because despite what her exes have told her, she does apparently have a heart. “If you don’t have any plans and have off work, you’re welcome to come with me. My parents are always thrilled to welcome more people. Just be prepared, it’s like a Hallmark movie up there.”

His eyes widen, the blue lighting up, and his upper lip starts to quiver, laughter very obviously waiting to break through. Dammit, why the hell did she decide to be nice? This is going to give him all of the wrong ideas.

“Why, Swan,” he smirks, leaning forward and resting his chin in his propped-up hand, “are you inviting me home for the holidays with you? You’ve been harboring a crush this entire time, haven’t you? I can’t say I’m surprised. I see the way you look at me when I finish up in the bathroom. Don’t be ashamed of it. Most women find me attractive.”

Emma flicks Killian’s forehead, and really, he should be thrilled she didn’t dump her hot coffee on his lap like she wanted to.

“I was just trying to be nice. You didn’t have to be an asshole about it.” Emma rolls her eyes and turns on her heels to walk away. She is going to her room. She doesn’t have to put up with his shit. “Forget I even offered.”

“Wait, wait, Swan.” Emma’s shoulders tense, and she doesn’t turn around. “Are you serious about your offer?”

“I mean, it would have some conditions in that you are a slightly less obnoxious version of yourself, but yeah, if you don’t have anywhere else to go, you can come home with me.”

“I’d like that.” Emma twists around, trying to size him up, and for once, everything seems genuine. “I have a condition as well.”

Idiot. “What could your condition possibly be?”

He winks, and she already knows this is going to have her eyes rolling so far into the back of her head they get stuck there. “Don’t go falling in love with me.”

What a cheesy ass sarcastic line.

“In your dreams, Jones.”

What the hell has she gotten herself into? This is absolutely the last time she lets her conscience guilt her into doing something nice. Emma was already going to be miserable, but now she’s miserable with a buffer.

At least her mom will be happy getting to go into hostess mode.

-/-

In the days leading up to them leaving for Storybrooke, Emma convinces herself Killian is going to back out of the trip. He’ll realize this is awkward and not a good idea. They live together, sure, but they don’t actually know each other. They’re not close friends.

But Killian never backs out. Instead he asks her things like what the weather is like there, if her parents drink wine, if he needs to bring his own bedding. He asks a million questions a day, and they continue when they’re in her bug making the drive from Boston to Storybrooke. He wants to know what her parents do for a living, what their hobbies are, pretty much everything someone needs to know when they’re about to spend half a week in the house of strangers.

Strangers who don’t actually know they’re having someone stay at their house to awkwardly sit on the sidelines as Emma’s family celebrates the holidays and has their usual holiday arguments.

Yeah, Emma didn’t ever tell her parents Killian was coming. She knows her mom well enough to know the moment Emma mentioned bringing someone home, her mom would have stopped listening before Emma could explain that it was just her roommate. It would have been this whole big thing, and Emma knows she can handle explaining it better in person when she can snap her mom out of getting excited about nothing.

Plus, who doesn’t want a Christmas surprise?

(Emma doesn’t.)

After Killian stops being one of those obnoxious kids who never stops asking questions, they sit in relative silence for the car ride, music entertaining them, and little by little, cities fade away and more trees pop up, evergreen forests surrounding them. It’s always the sign for Emma that she’s leaving her life and going back to her old one.

That and the “Welcome to Storybrooke” sign.

Everything about the town is the same. The buildings are small and kind of dingy downtown, and when she passes Granny’s, she bets those onion rings are the same too. God, she hopes they are. This is probably the only thing that can get her through this week. She should have texted Ruby and made sure her grandmother hadn’t changed any of the recipes. If she had, Emma definitely would have stayed home.

People walk down the sidewalk all bundled up in their coats and scarves, saying hello and chatting with others they pass. It’s the opposite of Boston where Emma can go her entire day without having to say hello to someone, and a little shiver runs down her spine at the thought. She needs to get out of here as soon as possible and to the isolation of her parents’ farmhouse, even if that presents her a new set of problems.

Storybrooke, Maine is, decidedly, not Emma’s favorite place for a hell of a lot of different reasons.

Killian, though, seems to be taking it all in with the wonder and confusion of someone who has never lived in a small town like this and who is a bit shell-shocked.

Get used to it, buddy.

“Oh, hey, one more thing,” Emma sighs as she pulls up to her parents’ street a few minutes later. “My real last name is Nolan. I changed it after high school, so my parents’ names are Nolan. The whole ‘Swan’ thing is a sticky situation for them even though it’s my mom’s maiden name.”

Killian’s eyes narrow, and she has definitely shared too much about herself now. “Am I allowed to ask or…”

“No. just try not to call me ‘Swan’ around them.”

“Whatever your heart desires, love.”

Emma slows down as the road turns from paved to loose gravel leading up to their driveway. There are several cars parked alongside it, and either they now own extra cars or her parents have friends over. Great. Just what she needed. Other people around when she’s coming home and surprising her parents with a guest. At least Killian will likely be that buffer she keeps hoping he’ll be.

They get out of her car, and Emma pops the trunk for them to get their bags. Killian grabs the bigger ones despite her arguing with him about it, but she’s fine to just carry her purse and the bag with presents. Emma closes the trunk, slamming it shut, and squares her shoulders.

This is fine. This is all fine.

Until ten steps later, it’s not.

Her parents have this incredible wraparound porch with swings and rocking chairs, and sitting in one of them is Neal Cassidy.

What the hell?

She doesn’t…she can’t…why is he here? He has no right to be here, no business being here, and seeing his face makes her want to vomit.

It makes her want to cry, too, but Emma can’t give him the satisfaction.

Instead, she’d like to sink into the dirt and never emerge again.

“Shit,” Emma mumbles, stopping and turning toward Killian who is looking down at her with an arched brow. “Shit, shit, shit.”

“What is it?”

God, she can’t believe she has to tell this to him. It’s too many pieces of her past in too short a period of time. This isn’t something she ever wanted to talk about again and certainly not to Killian. She was really hoping she never had to see Neal’s face again.

Honestly, she never considered it to be a possibility.

If only.

“That guy sitting on my porch is an ex of mine. And I’m talking about a bad ex, not one of those who you can be friends with afterward.”

“What the bloody hell is he doing here then?” Killian looks over her head to look at Neal, but Emma grabs his hand and yanks on it until he looks at her. “What?”

“Don’t look at him,” she hisses. “I don’t know what he’s doing here, but I’m sure it has something to do with my parents. Just…I don’t know what to do.”

“Do we need to turn around?”

“No, no, that’s pathetic. Just…maybe he’s going to leave soon, and it’ll be a quick hello and then I never have to see his face again. Let’s get it over with.”

“If you’re sure, Sw – Emma.”

“I’m sure.”

She’s not sure at all. Mostly, she wants to take Killian’s suggestion and run far, far away.

Once more, Emma braces her shoulders, and she moves forward. If she stops and thinks too much, she’ll chicken out. It’s how she is. If she thinks about something for too long, it ruins every bit of courage she has. Now isn’t the moment for that when this week is one that makes her need courage.

Maybe, Emma realizes, she didn’t invite Killian here just to be nice. Maybe she needed that buffer to keep her old demons at bay, even if just barely, and that was her motivation all along.

That really makes her asshole of the year. Well, after Neal. She hasn’t seen him in years, but he still gets the asshole of the year award.

Neal sees her before she can get to the front steps. He rises from the rocking chair and moves toward her. He looks older now. He was always older than her, but she can actually see it now. There’s gray in his beard and more lines on his forehead. His features are similar, but she swears there’s an eeriness to his eyes and a lie to his smile. Maybe those were always there, but Emma imagines she was blind to it all when she loved him.

Amazing how opening her eyes to love blinded her to so much else.

“Emma? Is that you?”

No, jackass, it’s some other blonde woman walking into her parents house.

“Hi, Neal.” She forces a smile that she knows is awkward, but he was never good at reading her enough to know the difference between a real smile and a fake one. “What are you doing here?”

“You’ve just seen me for the first time in half a decade, and your first question is what I’m doing here? Nice to see you too, Ems.”

It’s illegal to murder, Emma, she reminds herself. You don’t want to end up in jail because of him.

“It’s my parents’ house. I’m supposed to be here. You’re not. So, again, what are you doing here?”

He shrugs and ignores her. “Who’s this?”

Emma turns to Killian who is staring ahead, his jaw clenched, and he speaks before she gets a chance to. “Killian Jones,” he begins, dropping a bag and reaching forward to shake Neal’s hand, “Emma’s boyfriend.”

Emma nearly chokes on her own air and possibly her own lungs and whatever else is down there, and she’s stuck. Her brain and her feet and especially her mouth are all stuck. What the hell is he doing?

“Emma’s boyfriend,” Neal repeats, his voice incredulous like the fact that she could have a boyfriend is ludicrous to him. “Really?”

“For awhile now,” Killian lies. Wow. Has he always been this good of a liar? “It’s nice to meet you, but I think Emma and I need to get inside and put our stuff away. It’s been a long drive.”

Neal nods, but Emma catches his eyes glance over at her. What was that? “I understand. I need to get my fiancée from inside, but then we’ll be on our way.”

Fiancée?

Neal has a fiancée? Who is in her parents’ house?

What kind of upside down hell has she walked into and how does she reverse time and get back to the place where things are normal?

“Nice seeing you,” Emma lies, but Neal is already walking inside, leaving the door slightly ajar behind him as if it’s his house to go into. She quickly turns to Killian and hopes her face conveys the “what the hell” look she’s going for. And in case it doesn’t, she hisses, “what the fuck was that?”

“Forgive me, love, but you obviously didn’t want to see that man, and I figured there wouldn’t be any harm in saying that. You weren’t planning on ever seeing him again, aye?”

“Not if I can help it.”

“So what’s the harm in him thinking you have a devilishly handsome new boyfriend?”

Emma rolls her eyes, ready to take the piss out of him, when her mother comes running out the front door.

“Emma, you brought a boyfriend home?”

Well, that’s the harm, Jones.

-/-

Emma tries explaining to her parents that Killian isn’t really her boyfriend, that he’s just her roommate who came home with her because he doesn’t have any family, but she never really gets the chance with Neal still hanging around. That would be mortifying, so she rolls with it, hoping that she can clear it all up sooner rather than later.

But Neal never seems to leave.

His fiancée, Tamara, apparently teaches with Emma’s mom, and from the looks of it, they’re great friends. She can’t imagine any other reason why her parents would let Neal Cassidy in their house, but then again, they have always been great at doing the exact opposite of what’s good for her. It’s torture, and as the night goes on, it seems like it’s never going to end.

When are they going to leave?

When can she stop listening to Killian falsify their life?

She’s got to say that he’s fantastic at taking truths and turning them into lies. According to him, they met when he became her roommate (true) and got to know each other as friends first (eh, a half-truth). Then, slowly, feelings started to develop in the little moments, and they decided to give their relationship a chance (unequivocally false).

He’s got this uncanny ability to make everything feel…not ridiculous. She doesn’t know the word she’s searching for, but she’s sure as hell that Killian could find it and incorporate it into a story to make everyone here think they’re in love.

Emma has no clue how they’re going to get out of this without her parents being heartbroken because Emma can see the hope and happiness in her mom’s eyes. She’s over the moon. Her dad, however, doesn’t seem to be.

Of course this is how it goes. Her mom is thrilled because she’s not a spinster, and her dad is upset because she’s not a spinster.

“So what do you do, Killian?” he asks. “You need a roommate apparently.”

“Dad,” Emma hisses, wanting to sink into the couch, especially because she knows she’s the one who needs the roommate and not Killian. “Don’t.”

“What? I’m not allowed to ask about the man who my daughter is dating?”

“You are, but you’re not allowed to interrogate him.”

Killian places his hand over Emma’s on her thigh, and God, this really is the worst night. Why do people have to go home to family on the holidays? At least she didn’t automatically flinch at the feeling of Killian’s hand on hers.

“I’m a contractor,” Killian tells her dad. “I used to work with my brother. It’s his business, but I’m the head on projects now. It’s hard and unpredictable sometimes when my job is to make it predictable, but it’s good work. There’s a lot of good new housing popping up in the neighborhoods outside of Boston. Beautiful new construction.”

“What happened to your brother?” her mom asks.

Killian’s hand tightens over hers while his other hand scratches behind his ear. “Liam passed last year. Car accident.”

Mary Margaret places her hands over her chest while Neal and Tamara look at each other, obviously ready to go. Emma, meanwhile, tries not to act shocked. She should know this. She should know that he had a brother who died. She’s heard him talk about Liam before, but she thought…she thought he was alive, just that he lived really, really far away or something like that.

“I’m so sorry, Killian,” Mary Margaret sighs.

“Thank you, Ms. Nolan.”

Silence falls in the room, and it feels like a lot of her time in high school when she got caught doing something she wasn’t supposed to be doing. At least now she can have alcohol or drive away. One or the other, though, obviously.

Or she can go back to that sinking into the ground thing. That seemed like a good idea.

“Oh, would you look at the time,” Tamara sighs with a clap of her hands. “Honey, we need to go.”

“Won’t you stay for dinner?” Mary Margaret asks.

What the hell, Mom?

“We really have to go,” Tamara insists. “It was nice seeing you guys, though.”

“Oh, it was wonderful seeing you, sweetie. Good luck in New York. You’re going to be great at your new job.” Mary Margaret hugs Tamara. “Nice seeing you as well, Neal. You’ll fit right in, but I know your dad will miss you.”

Emma is so busy trying to take in all of this brand new information that she doesn’t hear the rest of the conversation. Through blurred vision, she sees her mom hug Neal, and yeah, Emma wants to go home. She wants to go back to her apartment where she doesn’t have to put up with this kind of shit.

Where there’s no Neal and his fiancée and especially where her mom isn’t hugging her asshole of an ex and treating him like he’s a good person.

There’s a squeeze on her hand and suddenly, Killian’s fingers are wrapping around hers. That’s when everything snaps back, and she realizes Neal is telling her goodbye.

“Yeah, bye,” Emma mutters, putting on that fake smile again.

“Maybe we could go for lunch while I’m still in town,” he suggests.

Emma bites her tongue to keep from scoffing, but she can’t help the words that come out of her mouth. “Yeah, that’s not happening. Have fun in New York.”

Neal looks like a wounded puppy when Emma manages to look at him, but she doesn’t care. He shouldn’t have had the audacity to ask her in the first place, not after everything he’s done.

Happy holidays to them all.

“Emma,” Mary Margaret hisses as soon as the front door has shut and Neal and Tamara are gone, “that was so rude of you! You can go to lunch with Neal.”

“Oh my God, Mom,” Emma groans, letting go of Killian’s hand and standing up. “I am twenty-eight years old. I’m not going to go to lunch with the man who ruined my life because you don’t like being rude. Just…let’s eat dinner, and you guys can tell me what we have planned for this week. Killian is thrilled to go to the play. I told him all about it.”

“Emma, I still don’t think – ”

“Come on, Mary Margaret,” David sighs as he claps his hand on her shoulder. “Let’s get these two dinner. They had a long drive, and I’m sure they’re starving. You like ham, Jones?”

“Love it,” Killian says as he stands from the couch. “Can I help with anything?”

“You can get a wine bottle from the rack.”

They’re all going to need it. Or at least Emma is going to.

Dinner is, well, awkward, which Emma expected, but she expected the usual awkwardness of having dinner with her parents after going a year without seeing them. This is an entire other level. Killian tries to ease it. He’s put on his most charming smile, his accent coming through thicker with each story he tells, and while her Dad seems put out, her mom is every bit as charmed by him as Emma would expect.

That makes it all fine and good until Emma’s reminded that her parents think Killian is her boyfriend, and his place would go down in flames if she told the truth now.

As much as she would like to spite her mom, that is the last thing she needs.

“So, Killian, you can stay in Emma’s room,” her mom says as they finish up dinner. “I’d have you stay in the guest room, but it’s currently filled with props and costumes for the play. But you're both adults. Who are we to keep you apart at night?”

“The couch would be fine,” Killian insists, holding his hands up.

“Nonsense, you are a guest here. You need to be comfortable. Let’s get you all settled and ready for bed.”

It’s almost like she’s in a trance as her mom guides them up the stairs to Emma’s old room. She vaguely hears her tell stories of different pictures hung on the wall by the staircase, but she doesn’t really notice. Instead, she hangs back with her dad who does not look thrilled at the whole situation.

For some reason that offends Emma. As far as her dad knows, she’s brought a man home for Christmas. A man who she loves enough to bring home, which is not all sunshine and roses for her. Once again, she’s jealous of the people who go home for the holidays and know it’s going to be a happy time.

“You know, you don’t have to act like I’m sixteen,” she tells her dad. “I live with this man. I think it’s okay for us to share a bedroom here for the week.”

“What makes you think I’m not happy about this. If you’re happy, I’m happy.”

Emma stops at the landing and turns to her Dad, crossing her arms over her chest and staring him down. Or up. She forgot how much taller her dad is than her.

“Try a little harder to make that believable.”

David laughs and leans forward to kiss her forehead. “Welcome home, kid. I’m glad you and Killian are here.”

-/-

-/-

Tag list (You can be taken off or added at any time): @qualitycoffeethings @marrtinski @klynn-stormz @scarletslippers @elizabeethan @jrob64 @snowbellewells @therealstartraveller776 @thejollyroger-writer @inth-trees @galaxyzxstark @galadriel26 @idristardis @karenfrommisthaven @teamhook @spartanguard @searchingwardrobes @jamif @shireness-says @ultimiflos @onepunintendid @bluewildcatfanatic @superchocovian @killianswannn @carpedzem @captainkillianswanjones @mayquita @mariakov81 @jennjenn615​ @onceuponaprincessworld​ @a-faekindagirl​ @scientificapricot​ @xellewoods​ @ultraluckycatnd​ @stahlop​ @kmomof4​ @tiganasummertree​ @singersdd​ @tornadoamy​ @cluttermind​ @lfh1226-linda @andiirivera​ @itsfabianadocarmo​ @captain-emmajones​ @ilovemesomekillianjones​ @capthamm​

[inevitably-johnlocked]

JL Fic Recs: Angst With Happy Ending Pt. 3

Hey all!!

OKAY, so... I somehow LOST the original ask that this list was supposed to attach to, so I’m going to just offer it as a standalone list, because I need it posted for another ask I have, LOL.

So, for whoever asked about 2 months ago for Angst with a Happy Ending, this one is for you, LOL. I’m sorry, I have no idea why your post disappeared from my drafts. Enjoy, all, a rare List Without an Ask :). ENJOY!! And as usual, add your faves! <3

ANGST WITH HAPPY ENDING Pt 3

See also:

Angst With a Happy Ending

Angst With a Happy Ending Pt. 2

Angsty Fluff

A Room of One's Own by whitchry9 (K+, 2,174 w., 5 Ch. || S2 Timeline, Hurt/Comfort, Supernatural, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Coma, John Whump, Worried Sherlock, POV John, Angst, Friendship/Bromance, Hospital) – When a severe head injury lands John in a coma, somehow he ends up in Sherlock's mind palace. It's actually pretty nice there, and John is entertaining the notion of staying there, rather than returning to his broken body. But Sherlock isn't taking it as well, and John can feel him breaking around him.

To the Nines by suitesamba (M, 2,724 w., 1 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Magical Realism, Pining, Angst, John Whump, Time Travel, Fortunes, Time Jumps) – John skips forward in time, and Sherlock reads the signs that point to nine. John knows he’ll eventually be with Sherlock, but the waiting is nearly impossible, and his body is a lot more than transport. A foray into magical realism where all the canon events occur, and a hell of a lot more.

Reversed by whitchry9 (K+, 3,072 w., 6 Ch. || Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Medical Anomolies, John Gets Shot) – The man pointed his gun at John's chest, right at his heart, and shot.' Wherein John is shot, and Sherlock is the one panicking.

Bridges by sussexbound (M, 6,602 w., 1 Ch. || Post-TLD / S4 Fix It, Love Confessions, Mending Relationships, Moving Back In, Pining Sherlock, POV Sherlock, Past Abuse, Shaving) – The silence between them is deafening, interrupted only by the hum of the traffic outside, and the soft click-clunk of the plastic cups Rosie is playing with on the floor beside them. It is the first time they have been alone together, since Sherlock’s birthday. It’s only been two days, but it feels huge, important, like there is a precarious bridge stretched out before them both that they need to at least attempt to traverse.

London Gods by a_different_equation (E, 11,092 w., 5 Ch. || American Gods Fusion || Magical Realism, Sex Magic, True Love, PTSD John, First Kiss/Time, Marathon Sex, Sensuality, Genie Sherlock, Human John, Internalized Homophobia, Star-Crossed Lovers, Soul Mates) – Sherlock Holmes is a jinn who does not grant wishes. However, when Dr. John H. Watson, recently returned from the war in Afghanistan, gets into his cab by "accident", it might not even need magic to grant both men their deepest wish: love.

The Hand You're Dealt by Lady Sam Mallory (T, 12,092 w., 1 Ch. || Hurt/Comfort, Angst, Light Violence, BAMF John, Doctor John, Injury, Friendship) – Sherlock, John and several others are trapped in a building when an explosion disrupts the crime scene they are working.

Kintsugi by distantstarlight (E, 14,772 w., 1 Ch. || Post S4, Emotional Hurt / Comfort, Regret / Remorse, Loneliness, Separation, Drug Use, Healing, Protective John, Sad Sherlock, Dev. Rel., Complicated Relationships, Love, Angst With Happy Ending, Sherlock is Called Freak, John’s Penance, Voyeurism, Doctor/Caretaker John, Guilty John, Detox, Fingering, Love Confessions, Cuddling, Slight Non-Con Turns Enthusiastic Consent, Virgin Sherlock) – Sherlock Holmes becomes estranged from the man he had once considered his best friend after John lets him down horribly in public. It seems that the world's only consulting detective will be on his own once again...or will he?

The Burning of the Leaves by blueink3 (M, 15,915 w., 3 Ch. || Post S4, Angst, Reichenbach, Parentlock, Past Jolto, Idiot John, Sherlock’s a Mess, Puppies, Fluff, Possessive / Jealous Sherlock, Pining Sherlock, Sherlock POV, Matchmaker Sholto, Melancholic Feelings, Emotional Sherlock, Domesticity, Love Confessions in the Rain, Kissing in the Rain, Pet Names, Panic Attack) – After the events of series 4, Major Sholto invites John and Sherlock to lunch one day. It nearly proves to be too much for their tenuous relationship as the past haunts the present, putting the future that Sherlock so desperately wants at risk.

The Palmyra Atoll by elwinglyre (E, 16,609 w., 3 Ch. || TSo3 Divergence / Episode Fix-It, Stockholm Syndrome, Kidnapped John Watson, John Whump, Evil Mary, Angst, Cuddling & Snuggling, Toplock, Limited 3rd John POV) – As John's preparing for the wedding, Sherlock is preparing to have his heart broken, and Mary is prepared to do the unthinkable. Intervention required. Enter Sherlock. Set before Sign of Three with a far different outcome. John is drugged, kidnapped, and left on an island, but not just any old island.

Wonderful, Etcetera. by VictoryCandescence (T, 16,955 w., 3 Ch. || Wonderful Life AU || Alternate Timelines, Brotherhood, Homophobia, Suicidal Ideations, Mentions of Drug Use, Friendship, Different TRF, Sherlock’s Past, Victor Trevor is Past Boyfriend, Depression, Hallucination?, Love Confessions, Christmas, First Kiss) – Sherlock thinks everyone would be better off if he had never existed, including and especially himself. When he finds himself in a world in which his wish has been granted, he begins to think perhaps even he could be wrong – but it takes an unlikely chaperone to make him not only observe, but understand.

I Think I've Come A Long Long Way To Sit Before You Here Today by ArwenKenobi (T, 18,251 w., 3 Ch. || Grief/Mourning, Passage of Time, Major Character Death, Alternating POV, Sherlock Whump, Pining Sherlock, Hospitalization, Coma, Revenge Murders, Hallucinations, Love Confessions, Brutal Accident, Mystrade, Ghost John) – One year after John is killed Sherlock starts to wonder whether John has actually gone anywhere.

Permanent Fixture by vitruvianwatson (E, 18,836 w., 9 Ch || Post-S4, Parentlock, Slow Build, Friends to Lovers, They’re Good Parents, Blushing Sherlock, First Kiss/Time, Explicit Consent, Sexual Content, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Mutual Pining, Big Feelings, Crying, First Kiss, Fluff, Anxious Sherlock, Inexperienced Sherlock, Emotional Communication, Love Confessions) – Now, as Rosie sat curled up against Sherlock’s side, John watched and wondered exactly how he had ended up here. Domesticity had never suited him before, not at any point in his life. His disastrous marriage had been proof of that. But somehow, here in the warmth and safety of 221B Baker Street, here with Sherlock Holmes reading medical jargon to his daughter, Sherlock’s bony feet nudging against his leg, John couldn’t imagine anyplace that would make him happier.

Silhouettes by allonsys_girl (E, 28,585 w., 7 Ch. || Canon Compliant, POV John, Heavy Drinking, Sad/Depressed John, Grief/Mourning, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Reunion, Foot Jobs, Blow Jobs, Infidelity, Cheating, Drug Use/Abuse, Anal, Switchlock, Rimming, Parentlock) – Sherlock and John find comfort in each other's arms, but as ever with these two, it's not your typical relationship. It's fluffy at the beginning, gets deeply angsty in the middle, gets porny at the end.

A Home for Us by sussexbound (M, 30,581 w., 12 Ch. || Scars, Bedsharing, Grief, Doctor John, Hurt/Comfort, Post-TRF, Implied/Referenced Torture, Sherlock POV, Pining Sherlock, Suicidal Ideation, Heavy Emotions, Clingy Sherlock, Hallucinations, Disassociation, Emotional Turmoil) – He has been on the road for two years, and he is exhausted. He’s almost accepted that he will never see London (John) again—almost. But then there are nights like tonight, where he is weak, and all he can think of is the warmth of the flat they once shared, the crackle of the fire in the hearth, the teasing smile playing at the corner of John’s lips, the boxes of half-eaten Chinese takeaway balanced precariously in their laps. He aches at the memory of it, at the realisation that it is something he may never experience again.

The Winter Garden by Callie4180 (T, 31,213 w., 13 Ch. || Post-S4, Retirement, Christmas, Slow Burn, Grown-Up Rosie, Parenthood, Rosie’s Cat, Angst with Happy Ending, Holidays, Beekeeping, Magical Realism, Sherlock POV, Sherlock’s Violin, Future Fic, Sussex, Honey, Magical Healing Honey, Love Confessions, Sherlock’s Scar, First Kiss, Touching) – As Sherlock nears the end of his career, he's given the gift of a cottage in Sussex. The honey from the beehives out back is amazing.Almost...magical.

Only To Be With You by SinceWhenDoYouCallMe_John (M, 40,768 w., 4 Ch. || Black Mirror / Future AU || Character Death, Future Technology, Sickness/Cancer/Illness, Heavy Angst with Happy Ending, First Person POV John, Pining John, Heart-Wrenching Angst) – I tell myself that next time I’ll come near this same place again. Wait around for the mysterious stranger in his coat to dash past me, hot on the heels of a new criminal in black. I think this all the way back to my Exit, planning where I’ll wait and what I’ll say when I see him. Scheming on how to get his name. It’s only once I reach the Exit Point door that I realize two hours and forty-five minutes have passed, and I realize that this won’t be the last time I Visit. It won’t be the last time at all.

Inscrutable to the Last by DiscordantWords (M, 48,842 w., 6 Ch. || Post-TRF, Alternate S3, John’s Blog/S3 is a Story By John, Divorce, Marital Difficulties, John is a Mess, Emotional Reunion, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Grief / Mourning, Pining John, First Kiss, Adorably Clueless Sherlock, Nostalgia, Love Confessions, Eventual Happy Ending) – He wasn't Sherlock, he couldn't work miracles. All he'd ever been able to do was write about them.

Anchor Point by trickybonmot (E, 49,856 w., 80 Ch. || Truman Show AU || Psychological Drama, Suspense, Slow Burn, Dark Characters / Fic, Alternating First/Third Person, Protective John, Anxious/Worried Sherlock, Tender Moments, Love Confessions, Hand/Blow Jobs, Cuddling, Jealous John, First Kiss/Time) – The world tunes in nightly for Sherlock, the ultimate in reality TV: Sherlock Holmes, a real person with a legendary name, unknowingly lives out his life in a staged setting contrived by his brother. Things get complicated when a retired army doctor joins the show to play the part of Sherlock's closest friend. This fic borrows its concept from the 1998 film, the Truman Show. However, you don't need to have any knowledge of the movie to enjoy this story.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse by SilentAuror (E, 50,635 w., 1 Ch. || Post-S4/S4 Divergence, Case Fic, For a Case / Reverse Fake-Relationship, Conferences, Marriage Equality, Travelling / New York, Pride, Homophobia, Bottomlock, Marriage Proposal, John POV, Sexuality, Love Confessions, Emotional Love Making, Public Hand Jobs, Blow Jobs, Passionate Kissing, Needy/Clingy Sherlock, Virgin Sherlock, Touching / Hand Holding, Bed Sharing, Little Spoon Sherlock, Intense Orgasms) – John and Sherlock go to New York to attend a conference run by the National Defence of Traditional Marriage Coalition in order to investigate the potential bombing of the annual Manhattan Pride parade. As the conference unfolds, John finds himself repulsed by the toxic ideology being presented, which becomes relevent to his own unacknowledged issues and his friendship with Sherlock...

Gold Rush by ShirleyCarlton (E, 71,783 w., 17 Ch. || Post S3 / No Mary, Friends to Lovers, Mentions of Past Sexual Abuse, First Kiss, Case Fic, Slow Burn, Alternating POV, Switchlock, Angst with Happy Ending, Marriage Proposal, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Abduction, Anxious/Insecure Sherlock, Miscommunication, Emotional Lovemaking) – John has divorced Mary and pops round to 221B one evening to find Sherlock in the middle of a case. As Sherlock tries to find the identity of a young woman’s stalker, John realises he can no longer deny his feelings for Sherlock – which then, to their befuddlement, turn out to be mutual. Shy kisses and tentative embraces ensue. But will Sherlock be able to cast off a shadow from his past that he thinks might prevent John from wanting to stay?

Repairing the Broken Things by BakerTumblings (M, 75,252 w., 15 Ch. || S4 Compliant, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Medical Trauma, Hospitals, Big Brother Mycroft, Misunderstandings, Realizations, Severe Accident, John Whump, Pneumonia, Medical Procedures, Bed Sharing, First Time, Healing, Happy Ending) – "I'm calling today to notify you that there's been an accident."

Points by lifeonmars (E, 53,791 w., 42 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || HLV Rewrite / Canon Divergence, Married Life, Pregnancy / Baby Watson, Drinking to Cope, Boxing / Fisticuffs, Clueless John, Angst, Minor Medical Drama, Tattoos, Christmas, First Kiss/Time, Eventual Happy Ending, Love Confessions, Doctor John, Sexuality Crisis, Slow Burn, Case Fic, Drugging, Blow/Hand Job, Emotional Love Making, Parenthood, Passage of Time) – What if His Last Vow never happened? This fic picks up a few months after John and Mary's wedding, in an alternate universe where Magnussen doesn't exist, but Mary is still pregnant. Life continues -- just in a different direction. And slowly, Sherlock and John find their way to each other.

Lunar Landscapes by J_Baillier (M, 57,046 w., 21 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || S3/TAB Fix-It, Slow Burn Angst, Drama, Hurt/Comfort, Confessions, Drugs, Pain, Medical, Injury, Sherlock Whump, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Romance, Secrets, Tragedy, Trauma, BAMF John, Doctor!John, Drug Addict Sherlock, Injured Sherlock, Grieving John, Idiots In Love,  Protective John, POV John Watson, PTSD Sherlock, Sherlock is a Mess, Medical Realism) – An accident forces John to face the fact that Sherlock's downward spiral had started long before his flight to exile even left the tarmac.

Hell Sent, Heaven Bound by ConsultingHound (M, 64,381 w, 16 Ch. || Angels / Demons AU ||  Fallen Angel Sherlock / Angel Cop John, Alternate First Meeting, Slow Burn, Case Fic, John & Lestrade are Friends Before Sherlock, BAMF John, Mind Palace John, Friends to Lovers, John in Denial, Sherlock Picks Out John’s Clothing, Clubbing / Dancing, Mildly Jealous John, Awkwardness, Kidnapping, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Sacrifice, Worried / Anxious Sherlock, Angst with Happy Ending, Immortal to Mortal) – Ex-War healer and current angelic guard John Watson is not having the best day. He overslept, he’s underpaid, and now there’s someone tagging the Council’s building walls. However things may be about to get interesting: there’s an unusual stranger hanging around (the definition of tall, dark, and handsome), a literal underground cult is brewing, and rumblings are coming from hell. Can he keep his neighbourhood safe, how and why is he being connected to all this, and who the hell is Sherlock Holmes?

White Knight by DiscordantWords (M, 69,840 w., 13 Ch. || S4 Compliant/Post S4, Marriage For a Case, Jealous John, Pining John, Janine / Sherlock Fake Relationship, Serial Killers, Case Fic, Undercover as a Couple, Weddings, John is a Mess, Misunderstandings, Wedding Planning, Jealousy, Drunkenness, Love Confessions, Angst with Happy Ending) – Green. The word green was used to convey a great many things. Illness. Envy. Inexperience. Standing there amidst Janine's chattering bridesmaids, watching Sherlock furrow his brow and study fabric swatches, watching him smile and simper and flirt, John thought it a remarkably apt colour choice. Because he felt quite sick to his stomach, he feared the source of said sickness might very well be jealousy, and he had absolutely no idea at all what to do about it. Or: Sherlock needs to fake a relationship for a case. He doesn't ask John.

Just To Hold You Close by sussexbound (E, 70,841 w., 18 Ch. || Alternate First Meeting, Sherlock POV, ASD Sherlock, PTSD John, Demisexual Sherlock, Bisexual John, Cuddling/Snuggling, Platonic Cuddling, Enthusiastic Consent, Bed Sharing, Love Confessions, First Kiss/Time, Sexual Tension, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Cuddle Negotiations, For a Case Until It Isn’t, Hair Petting, Sexual Negotiation, Anxiety, Trust Issues, Slow Burn, Panic Attacks, Frottage, Hand/Blow Jobs, Referenced Self Harm / Abuse / Suicidal Ideation, First Kiss/Time, Anal) – When a woman is murdered and the last person to see her alive is recently invalided army vet turned reluctant (and prickly) professional cuddler, John Watson, Sherlock Holmes is pulled into a world of intimacy and intrigue he never could have imagined. John is a conundrum and mystery: frank yet reserved, tender yet angry, open yet afraid. Sherlock is instantly drawn into his orbit, and begins to feel and desire things he never has before.

The Monument of Memory by J_Baillier (M, 79,663 w., 14 Ch. || Post S4 Fix It Fic / S4 is Canon, Angst, Family Drama, Guilt, Case Fic, John Loves Sherlock, Complicated Feelings, Mentalism / Hypnosis, Murder, Grieving John, Sherlock is a Bit Not Good, Team Work, Trust Issues, BAMF John, Psychological Trauma, Protective John, Autistic-Spectrum Sherlock, Parentlock, John POV) –  A genius traumatised by a past he's only beginning to recall. The psychopath sister that time forgot. A missing woman and a mentalist who may or may not be a murderer. And, in the middle of it all, stands John Watson.

Thermocline by J_Baillier (M, 83,557 w., 14 Ch. || Scuba Diving AU || Adventure, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Marine Archaeology, Asexual Sherlock, Horny John, Relationship Drama, Technical/Scuba/Wreck Diving, Slow Burn, Underwater /  Medical Peril, Doctor John, Hurt Sherlock, Anxious Sherlock, John POV, Protective John, Body Appreciation) – John "Five Oceans" Watson — technical dive instructor, dive accident analyst and weapon of mass seduction — meets recluse professor of maritime archaeology Holmes. As they head out to a remote archipelago off the coast of Guatemala to study and film its shipwrecks for a documentary, will sparks fly or fizzle out?

Kintsukuroi by sussexbound (E, 91,823 w., 20 Ch. || S4 Compliant / Post-TLD, Grief / Mourning, PTSD, Internalized Homophobia, Therapy, Past Abuse, Alcohol Abuse, Nightmares, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Depression, Anxiety, Bed Sharing, Love Confessions, Cuddling, Suicidal Ideation, Masturbation, Minor Character Death, Sexting, Frottage, Inexperienced Sherlock, Rimming / Anal / BJ’s, Emotional Turmoil, Finding Each Other) – “I love you.” Sherlock sees the words hit John with almost physical force. He reels back a little, jaw twitching and eyes filling. “I love you,” he repeats, a little softer, a little more gentle, as earnest as he possibly can. Because they’ve been teetering on the brink of this thing for years, and it had become painfully obvious over the last few months that they were at a tipping point. This had to happen. Now it has. Now they can see where they end up. The tears in John’s eyes spill over, and he wipes at them angrily. “Do you even know what that means?”  

The Summer Boy by khorazir (T, 94,706 w., 6 Ch. || Post S3/Post TAB/Alternate S4, Friends to Lovers, Flashbacks, Sussex, Bullying, 1980′s Kid Sherlock, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Inexperienced Sherlock, Grief/Mourning, Pining Sherlock, Background Case Fic) – About half a year after the fateful events at Appledore, Sherlock and John embark on a private case in Sussex. For Sherlock, it’s a journey into his past, bringing up memories both happy and sad that he has locked away for almost thirty years. For John, it means coming to terms with the present – and a potential future with Sherlock. Part 1 of the The Summer Boy series

Northwest Passage by Kryptaria (E, 95,157 w., 27 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Canadian AU ||  BAMF!John, Canadian John, PTSD, Anal / Oral Sex, Rimming, Emotional Hurt / Comfort, Drug Rehab, Falling in Love, Pining Sherlock, Love Confessions, Sherlock’s Violin, Panic Attacks, Switching, Anxious / Protective Sherlock, Hugs for Comfort, Suicide Mentions, Healing Each Other) – Seven years ago, Captain John Watson of the Canadian Forces Medical Service withdrew from society, seeking a simple, isolated life in the distant northern wilderness of Canada. Though he survives from one day to the next, he doesn't truly live until someone from his dark past calls in a favor and turns his world upside-down with the introduction of Sherlock Holmes." Part 1 of Tales from the Northwest

The Adventure of the Silver Scars by tangledblue (NR [M], 142,458 w., 41 Ch. || S3 Fix-It, Post-HLV/ Post-TAB / Canon Compliant, Case Fic, No Baby, Angst, Humour, UST, Slow Burn, Angry John, Reconciliation, Not Nice Mary / Leaving Mary, Dependent Sherlock, Pining Sherlock, Caretaker John, Fist Fights, It’s An Experiment, Virgin Sherlock, Dancing, Drugging, John Whump, Pet Names, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Scars) – It’s been thirteen months since Mary shot Sherlock and John finds he’s still pissed off about it. Sherlock had thought everything was settled: John and Mary, domestic bliss. But when John turns up at Baker Street with suitcases, the world’s only consulting detective might not be prepared for the consequences. A new case. Some old scores to settle. Certain danger. Concertos, waltzes, and whisky.

Proving A Point by elldotsee & J_Baillier (E, 186,270 w., 28 Ch. || Me Before You Fusion || Medical Realism, Insecure John, Depression, Romance, Angst, POV John, Sherlock Whump, Serious Illness, Doctor John, Injury Recovery, Assisted Suicide, Sherlock’s Violin, Awkward Sexual Situations, Alcoholism, Drugs, Idiots in Love, Slow Burn, Body Image, Friends to Lovers, Hurt / Comfort, Pain, Big Brother Mycroft, Intimacy, Anxiety, PTSD, Family Issues, Psychological Trauma, John Whump, Case Fics, Loneliness, Pain) – Invalided home from Afghanistan, running out of funds and convinced that his surgical career is over, John Watson accepts a mysterious job offer to provide care and companionship for a disabled person. Little does he know how much hangs in the balance of his performance as he settles into his new life at Musgrave Court.

Against the Rest of the World by SilentAuror (E, 151,714 w., 20 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Post-TRF, Hiatus Fic, POV First Person Sherlock, Present Tense, First Kiss/Time, Big Brother Mycroft, Escaping from Capture, Soft Sherlock, Toplock, Insecurity, Infidelity, Travelling, Introspection, Pining Sherlock, Depression, Fantasies, Yearning for the Past, PTSD Sherlock, Suicidal Ideation) – Sherlock has been away from London for nine hundred and twelve days and counting, and has no idea what sort of reception to expect when he finally returns.

[elsewhereuniversity]

About Face

“Do you have any questions about your prescriptions today, uh…m-miss?” The pharmacist’s question is laced with assumptions about who you are. It’s not great, of course, but it’s also not worth your time to fight about today.

“No, I’m good,” your smile and voice are sugary-sweet, but your eyes are daggers as you take the bag and turn back towards the door. The heat and humidity are already staggering at 8 am and you are immediately made sticky by the brief walk to your car. As you start it up, there’s a brief chime of email-receiving from your phone, but you ignore it. Then there’s another ding, this time your lab-mate, Valerie, texting you.

Hey, u almost in?                                                                                     In like 30min. had to stop by pharmacy

K. Jill was looking for u. Also ugh that paper for tomorrow, I’m not even a  birdsong person lol

Lol get over it, I had to read one of your fancy neuro papers last time. Did jill say what she needed me for?

Whatever lol. She didn’t say.

                                                                        Ughhhhhhh

Jill, Dr. Dominguez, is your advisor, and you know you need to get her some figures and sections of your thesis soon, but these damn stats…well. There’s a reason you prefer spending your time traipsing off-trail through the wilderness over sitting in front of a computer all day. Not that this part isn’t interesting and important too, but come on.

Traffic is moving at a sluggish pace, of course, so you’re lost in contemplation and dread of the analyses you need to attempt running today, and the inevitable conversation with Dr. Dominguez that will have to happen at some point. As the traffic finally begins to move, you grit your teeth. Maybe it’s time to consider actually asking for help. I have no fucking clue how to do multivariate shit…You stare ahead as you inch forward, before a frustrating, jolting stop at a red light. Your eye is drawn to a kid crossing the road, wearing a grey hoodie. They look forlorn, for some reason you can’t entirely enumerate, and you glance back at them as the light finally turns.

The sun isn’t very high yet, so there are still some odd shadows stretching across the sidewalk, but you could’ve sworn that the kid had no face.

****

You manage to put the pharmacist and your grandma and the obviously-just-a-trick-of-the-light-I-mean-how-else-could-that-be faceless kid out of your mind for the rest of the morning and actually get some results you can work with from the analyses you’d been worried about. And when Dr. Dominguez pops into lab to talk to you, she is actually impressed at both the pace and quality of work you’ve delivered thus far. In fact, you’re feeling pretty damn good about everything, despite the earlier unpleasantness, so you decide to grab some lunch and hang out with some of the other grad students and lab techs.

Lunch-special sushi in hand, you plop yourself down at one of the rundown old tables in the work room. Valerie is there, along with Raul, one of the grad students from a micro lab down the hall, and Jackson, one of the general lab techs. Everyone says hi, but you’re only vaguely following the conversation as you dig into your spicy tuna roll. Something something TA stipends being cut. Which is such bullshit, of course, but nothing new. You’re just about to jump into the discussion when you get a Facebook notification. It’s your cousin, who tagged you in a post. You stare for a good five seconds at your phone.

Just remembering the good times with my cousin before he decided to be a transsexual.

And then a picture from when you were 14, a picture you’d thought you’d deleted from every conceivable online location. A picture that highlights pretty much every single aspect of your body that made staying in the closet completely untenable. Everything just always happens at once, huh.

“Fucking asshole,” you mutter, and are surprised to feel the hot prick of tears in your eyes.

“Becca, you alright?” Valerie asks, and you belatedly realize that everyone at the table heard you and is now staring. They think you were talking about one of them, or responding to something they said.

“Uh, yeah, sorry. Just something my cousin posted. She’s—she can be such a jerk. Don’t worry about it,” you say as you hastily wipe away the tears.

“What’d she do?” Jackson asks. Valerie glares at him so fiercely that he rolls his eyes and holds up his hands, “Just, like, if you wanna talk about it.”

You sigh. You’re not precisely going stealth, but you also don’t just talk to everyone about being trans. Have you actually come out to Jackson? Valerie knows, and Raul, but you don’t think you’ve ever directly talked to Jackson about it.

“It’s—it’s fine. Just, she posted a picture of me from before I came out, and I really hate thinking about any of it.” You speak with a bit more force than you intend.

“Why is that a big deal?” Jackson asks, taking a bite of his pasta. Valerie glares at him again and Raul just shakes his head.

“It’s just…it took me a long time to figure it out, and I don’t particularly like being reminded of that. And it’s not great for dysphoria, either.” You say this distractedly as you go to the post and untag yourself.

“That’s really rough,” Raul says, frowning.

“Sorry, what’s that word?” Jackson asks with a raised eyebrow, “I guess I just don’t get it? It’s just a kid picture of you, what’s it matter?”

And that does it. You stand abruptly, “I need to get back to the lab.” You hear Valerie and Raul berating Jackson as you walk away, but you’re just so very done. You toss the empty sushi container in the trash at the corner of the hallway, near one of the windows overlooking the main walkway through campus. And you nearly trip over your own feet as you swivel to double check something down below. A gray hoodie. A child with no face looking over their shoulder as they turn a corner.

****

You don’t mean to take the wrong street. It’s already been far too long a day between all of the inanity with your extended family and Jackson. And everything you tried to run after lunch was a bust, making you feel like Dr. Dominguez’s praise earlier was completely undeserved. Given all of that, you decided to get takeout again, even though you really should be cooking, so you’re walking to pick up your order. It is early evening, the shadows having elongated to embrace nearly everything, and while debating whether it’s even worth confronting your cousin about the jab, your feet simply take you the wrong way. You don’t even notice, until you’re standing in front of an empty park that’s three blocks over from where you should be. Or, wait.

Not empty. One lone figure, sitting quietly on one of the swings, wreathed in shadow.

You’ve been walking quite quickly, but over the course of a few steps have come almost to a stop. With a shiver, you glance around the area, but no parents or adults are in sight, and the figure looks young, even from a distance. 12, maybe? Maybe the kid lives in one of the nearby houses? Probably. Should you call someone? Who? Not the cops. They’d just as soon arrest or hurt the kid as help them. It isn’t that late, leaving the kid be is probably the most prudent course of action.

But. The kid feels…familiar. Even from a hundred meters, you can see that their shoulders are hunched, their hands are tight on the chains of the swing. The gentle creaking as those chains move with the slight shifts of the kid’s body is despondent in a way that is known to you, somehow. So, against your better judgement, you leave the sidewalk and walk across the damp grass to the edge of the playground. When you step onto the sand, the kid’s head jerks up and their shoulders tense further, raising almost to their ears. You stop walking and from the new angle a streetlight throws the kid’s grey hoodie into stark relief.

“Are-are you okay?” you have to clear your throat to get the words out and your voice sounds weak and tinny in the still, silent park.

The shoulders shrug. The kid is also wearing jean cutoffs, their scuffed sneakers unlaced.

“Do you need me to call someone?”

A sharp shake of the head, and then their hands release the chains and fall into their lap.

“Don’t need anything,” the kid’s voice is low, you can barely hear what they’re saying. Gingerly, you take the last few steps to the swing set and awkwardly settle into one of the worn rubber seats. Only after you have already done this do you think to question why you are so compelled to talk to this child who—maybe? how?—has been dogging you all day.

“I said I don’t need anything,” the kid says in an emotionless voice. Their face is still completely shadowed by their hood and shaggy hair.

 “I just—look, kid, I think I’ve been where you are, and—”

The kid cuts across you, “I tried to tell them today. But I…couldn’t, I didn’t know how to, so I just ended up saying I like girly shoes and wanted some or whatever.”

Oh. So you were right. You know exactly what’s going on. In fact, you’re pretty sure you had that precise conversation, once.

“That’s tough,” you acknowledge, slowly pushing back in the swing, which creaks beneath you, “It took me a long time too.”

There’s silence. Then:

“That’s what I was worried about.”

You start and quickly glance over at the kid, who has finally turned to face you.

She doesn’t have a face, which, you suppose, really shouldn’t be a surprise. You weren’t seeing things, earlier. There’s just a smooth expanse of dark olive skin. The featureless head tilts to one side and she speaks again.

“I thought you might recognize me.” The voice is plaintive. With every word, you feel a sense of vertigo, like there is a mouth, somewhere, that is making those sounds, that it’s right in front of you, but you cannot perceive it.

You are breathing very rapidly, “I thought—how do you know me? What’s, I mean—”

“This?” the kid gestures at her face, “I don’t know, I can see but I can’t see myself, I dunno what’s going on. All I know is I was walking to the park and then I was here, or I mean, on the road this morning and saw you and I followed you and I just want to go home or just sleep or just melt away but I can’t, okay? There’s just nothing.”

Without noticing, you have sprung to your feet and are backing away from the faceless girl, the faceless girl who can’t tell her parents who she is. Who you are.

“I didn’t want to think about it,” you whisper. Why are you even responding to this? This is a hallucination, or a dream. You’re just reacting to the whole bullshit situation with your cousin and Jackson and that fucking pharmacy tech. Did you fall asleep back in the lab, is that it? You pinch yourself, but no luck, “I came out and that was what I needed. Okay? Why dwell on, on, on all of that shi—stuff that happened before?”

The girl is still sitting placidly in the swing, though her hands are once again clenched around the chains.

“I knew you were me, I guess. So I followed. I don’t think anyone else notices me either, not that that’s anything new,” The note of bitterness in her voice cuts you to the bone, “I thought maybe you—me, future me, whatever—would be able to…fix me? But nothing’s changed, has it?”

You’re backed up to the slide now, “Why are you doing this? What even are you?”

You slump against the side of slide, your knees suddenly weak, “This cannot—this is bullshit, I don’t know how you’re doing this, but—”

The faceless girl is in front of you now, hands jammed into the front pocket of her hoodie. She stands there, contemplating her future self, “I just want to understand,”

The kid, proto-Becca, or whatever or whoever she is, sure sounds like a kid desperately trying to make sense of something, and not some ghoulish nightmare creature.

“Just stop,” you say in a hoarse voice, “I just don’t want to think about it, I shouldn’t have to think about it, I just want to move forward.”

“Yeah,” proto-Becca abruptly falls to her knees, and draws them up to her chest. It takes a few seconds for you to understand the sounds that the kid is making are sobs.

You hug your own knees and contemplate getting up and running away and just forgetting about all of it: this faceless phantom of your childhood self, your relatives’ inability to accept your reality, the absurd, useless, pointless stats and analyses. You’re crying too, desperately trying to refocus on the here and now, instead of being drawn down into the rabbit hole of loneliness and regret and fear that always consumes you when you think too hard about those years in which it felt like your whole body was turning against you and you couldn’t find any satisfactory explanations for what you were feeling.

But the sounds of proto-Becca, of proto-you, sobbing into her knobbly knees bring you back to the present. Ironic, that. No matter what else, however she got here, whatever happened to her face, she’s a kid. She’s a kid. She’s. A. Kid. You were a kid.

You furiously wipe your eyes and nose and sit up, scooting a bit closer to proto-Becca.

“Hey, I’m sorry,” you say in as steady a voice as you can manage, “I was scared, and, and, and I lashed out. It’s not your fault, kid.”

She doesn’t lift her head, but the sobs are quieter.

“I mean, kid, no offense, but you don’t have a face. And somehow you’re me, right?” Okay, that came out meaner than you meant it to, “The truth is that I’ve done my best to forget pretty much everything that happened back when I was…you, I guess. But I can’t.”

She sniffles, “I’m trying to tell them, I am. But the boys at school, every time I try to talk to Mom or Dad I see those boys laughing and yelling and coming at me and I can’t, I don’t—know how I ended up here, or what to do about this or anything. I just want things to be normal.”

And, finally, you get it. Not why she’s here, or how, or what any of this means, but, at least, what to do. You’ve tried to help kids who were like you before. You’d never have told them that they needed to keep their feelings concealed, that they needed to not do anything so as to avoid reminding you of your own past. So why, then, are you doing it to yourself?

“Is it okay if I come sit next to you, maybe give you a hug?” you ask, as gently as you can.

You get a glimpse of the faceless face from behind the curtain of hair, “I—I think so?”

You get to your feet, a task far more laborious than you feel it should be, and cross to her. When you plop down by her side, she twitches, but it’s toward you. Slowly and carefully, you wrap an arm around her narrow shoulders, and hold her close. She’s still crying, and the hood has slipped from her dark curls.

“It’s okay that it’s taking time,” you say, “It’s really, really hard. I meant that. There’s…nothing out there. No one to explain to you, to, uh, us, what these feelings mean, really. I remember. I remember how much it feels like you’re just stuck in the same looped computer program. Endlessly completing the same actions with no idea why, only feeling like something isn’t right. And so scared of what happens if you do anything that breaks that loop.”

“That’s pretty much it,” she says with a note of wait, that wasn’t completely in my head???, “I don’t see how I can explain to anyone, especially Mom and Dad.”

“I think all you can do is be honest. There are some resources out there, although maybe they aren’t published yet,” you glance sideways at her, “But if you just…elucidate those feelings you’ve been sitting on, it at least opens the door to them comprehending.”

“I guess so,” she sighs, and then giggles, “But also, like, no offense, that was, like, a really freakin’ pretentious way to say that.”

You snort and ruffle her hair, “Whatever. Something for you to look forward to, then.”

She’s quiet for a bit and then, quick like a bird, she wraps her arms around you too, “So I’m gonna tell them, then?”

You shrug, “When you’re ready. Whenever that is. And I promise, you are no lesser if it takes a while. Okay?”

“But you’re still going to hate thinking about me, right? I mean, about how long it took me, you, to finally do it?” her head tilts.

You sigh, “I don’t know. It’s hard, I won’t pretend it isn’t. But I think I can at least say that it’s okay. That it’s not my, or your, fault.”

When you look up, her face appears. Smile first. Broad and full of braces, her quick and nervous brown eyes darting to your face and then back to her knees.

“You’ll be fine,” you say, giving her one last squeeze, “I’m the living proof, right?”

Her laugh lingers in the air as she fades away.

x

[kpopmultifan127]

UserName: HaechanTheSun02

*DISCLAIMER: unprotected sex (be responsible), dirty talk, a tiny bit of fluff, camgirl*

Characters: Haechan/Donghyuck x female reader

Word count: 3,088

LOL I DIDN’T PROOF READ SO IF THERE ARE MISTAKES SORRY!

[7:00 AM] her alarm goes off to wake herself up for another day of school. College was so hectic for y/n. She really had no support what so ever or anyone around to help her with her studies. Y/n was kind of just to herself most of the time. 

As she sat up on her bed to check her phone, she had a few notifications from her mom asking how’s school and if she needed any money. y/n hated asking her parents for money, she wanted to be independent. It was pretty bad too she thought of so many ways to make the money. But she couldn’t get a job because that would conflict with her studies and didn’t want to bring all of her school stuff to work.

That’s when y/n were reading that CamGirls were quite popular. Men and women watching other women play with themselves for money. She’s started doing it not too long, and she was making some decent money to help with paying off her school tuition.

y/n checked the rest of her notifications which most of them were from the site she uses to go for her CamLive.

{From: HaechanTheSun02} Are you going to go live tonight SunGoddess? I just got paid and I’m ready to blow it all on you babe.

HaechanTheSun02 whoever that person can be was her frequent viewer and the stuff he’d send as she was live always turned her on and even mentioned to him that she hope to meet him someday. Maybe he can say those things to her face. y/n thought to herself....”I could use more money...yeah I guess I’ll go live tonight” y/n then posted a status Be ready for tonight because it’s going to be fun! seconds after posting it she’s gotten many likes.

sometimes y/n was still at little awkward and shy at what she does on the side, but at least she doesn’t really have to worry about it. She doesn’t have a lot of friends or people coming over so she just lived her days as if nothing happens.

y/n got ready for school and headed out. her first class of the day she always dreaded. It was Chemisty, she was horrible at it and never really talked to anyone in her class except her desk mate pretty much her only friend Mina. Mina was also the only person that knows of her “side job”, it never bothered her that y/n did these kinds of things. She’d always tell her “hey as long as you’re not doing drugs, do whatever floats your boat”

As class was about to start y/n and Mina began taking out their books. y/n got distracted as she looked up to see the man of her dreams. His name was Donghyuck, one of the most popular guys in school he was gorgeous, athletic, never judges anyone and one of the smartest guys in this class. Y/n never dared to talk to him as she wouldn’t know what to say to do around him. Mina noticed y/n face started to become a light shade of pink and her ears turn red.

Mina: you’ve been gawking about Hyuck for so long...why don’t you just talk to him?!

y/n: are you crazy?!

Mina: why?! what’s so crazy about talking to him?

y/n: I wouldn’t know what to do or say.

Mina let out a soft scoff.

Mina: oh please we both know you always think about him during your damn camlive’s!

y/n: OH MY GOD SHHH! Before someone hears you!

Mina just rolled her eyes, and then their teacher comes walking into their class. Their teacher didn’t look to happy when she walked into class, as she slammed her book on the desk.

Teacher: you guys I’m so disappointed in most of you...I can tell most of you guys didn’t study for this simple test. We’ve gone over these things over and over. 

She continued to lecture the class about getting work done and doing good on tests. 

Teacher: I’m doing something different now. Everyone grab your stuff and get off your seats. I’m moving everyone around!

The entire class sighed in disbelief because now Mina and y/n knew they weren’t going to be able to sit next to each other the rest of the year.

Teacher: I’m pairing everyone off with someone that is able to help one and another. 

In y/n mind she was getting nervous, she knew she was one of the few who did horrible on the test because she HATED Chemistry. She could care less who she sat next to other than Hyuck. Y/n wouldn’t do well sitting next to him.

Teacher: Mina and Johnny. you guys are together.

Mina made eye contact with y/n mouthing “I’m sorry” although they know it’s neither of their faults they can’t sit next to each other.

Teacher: y/n?

y/n: yes?....

Teacher: you are going to be with....

y/n thinks to herself “please not Hyuck, please not Hyuck”

Teacher: you and Donghyuck.

y/n frozen at her steps as she heard the one person she wish not to sit with, but now has no choice. Y/n set her things at her new desk along with Hyuck. He looked at her with a soft smile.

Hyuck: Hey new deskmate. y/n right?

y/n:...yeah

Hyuck: what’s wrong?

y/n:...we both know why I’m sitting next to you....obviously I’m not the smartest.

Hyuck: it’s ok we can help each other out isn’t this the whole point of the new seating arrangements?

y/n thought to herself...maybe this isn’t bad after all. He never made her feel like she was dumb or that he was bigger than her. y/n looked at her books with a smile as she glanced over to Mina where she’s making kissy faces to her. Mina mouthing to her “TALK TO HIM IDIOT” 

School went by smoothly and y/n was so happy her day was done and she can just go home. She did all her homework, showered, ate and did a little bit of more studying before she jumped on her live feed.

[11:30 pm] y/n turns on her cam and sits there waiting for others to join..

So far 30 people signed on...more than she imagined...this was a big crowd this time around, she usually only has 10-20 people watching her. y/n looked to see who was in the room.

y/n: hey bigdaddy23....I’m going to start here in a bit. I’m just going to go get ready.

y/n walked off camera changing into only her silk robe that HaechanTheSun02 sent to you through the site. y/n never showed her face just up to her nose, never showing her entire face so she can keep her identity safe. When she came back she noticed HaechanTheSun02 signed on and commented “I’m ready for you baby”

y/n: hey Haechan....I’m ready for you. and all of you.

{HaechanTheSun02} I’m loving that robe on you...I’m sure it’ll look better off of you....

y/n began to tease her views by slipping off her robe.

{HaechanTheSun02 donated $150}

y/n: wow thank you Haechan....want more?

y/n began to play with herself as comments and donations kept rolling in.

{HaechanTheSun02} man the things I’d do to that lil pussy...

y/n: oh yeah what would you do to it?

y/n letting out soft moans as she continued to play with every part of her body.

{HaechanTheSun02} I’d fuck it like there was no tomorrow. Let you ride me until you I fill you up.

Shivers went down y/n body as she was close to her high. Wishing whoever he was watching could just be there doing it all for her. y/n hit her high as she moaned on camera until she finished coming all over her fingers. Pulling them out showing the camera.

y/n: look Haechan...look what you did do me...Well that’s it for tonight, thank you all for watching.

y/n blew a soft kiss to the camera and turned it off. After cleaning herself off she laid in bed still coming back down from her high earlier, all she could think about is Donghyuck. Being a camgirl is another reason why she didn’t want to talk to him and he end finding out what she does. 

A few days has passed and you’ve gotten a little closer to Hyuck. The teacher announced that they had a project due for the mid terms and it was a partner project with your deskmate.

Hyuck: I’d invite you to my house to work on the project but my roommate Jeno is back from his trip and the place is kinda small.

y/n: It’s ok. I live by myself, we can work on it at my house.

y/n thought to herself...”oh wait, what if he finds out about what I do?...nah no way he’d no. He’s not into that kind of stuff”

Hyuck: oh good...we can work on it tonight? I can take us to your house?

y/n: yeah sure...

Hyuck: I just need to run to my house to grab a few things and we can go.

After school Hyuck drove back to his place to grab a few things to work with on the project.

y/n: you weren’t kidding when you said your place was small...

Hyuck: haha yeah, I use to live with my parents but they moved back to Seoul and I just stayed back with Jeno.

y/n looked around while he grabbed some things. She saw a baby picture of Hyuck on the beach with his little sister. It brought a smile to her face.

y/n: is this you?

Hyuck: haha yeah, and my little sister...

y/n: you’re so cute...I mean you’re still cute now...no well I mean...

y/n became red and looked away. Leaving Hyuck with a smile on his face.

Hyuck: Ok I got what I needed are you ready?

They left his house and arrived at y/n’s apartment. 

y/n: sorry it’s a little messy in the living room, I’m repainting the walls. We can work in my room.

They walked over to her room. Hyuck standing in the doorway looking around her room, as it was really familar to him.

y/n: are you ok?

Hyuck:...oh- yeah..I’m fine.

He noticed the silk robe hanging on the back of your chair.

Hyuck: nice robe..

y/n:...oh haha thanks. Someone gave it to me as uhh---

y/n began to stutter to think “Who and what do I say as what it was given to me for?”

y/n:....as a thank you gift...

Hyuck:..ah ok.

In his mind he’s seen this before....he knew for a fact this is the same robe he gave the camgirl he watches every night.

y/n: ready?

Hyuck: oh--yeah.

Hyuck couldn’t concentrate on the project knowing that y/n was the one he’s been watching while jerking himself off wishing she could do it for him. He kept glancing over to her as she was doing her part of the project. y/n needed something on the side of the desk Hyuck was on. Y/n stood up and leaned over him to grab whatever she needed. Hyuck could feel himself become hard as she was leaning over him.

y/n: you ok Hyuck?

Hyuck: oh yeah...I’m fine.

As he sat up in his chair trying to adjust himself without being obvious his dick was hard as a rock.

Hyuck: is it ok if I used your bathroom?

y/n: yeah sure it’s the door right across.

He stood up and walked straight to the door while y/n continued to finish her work.

Whispering to himself...

Hyuck: no that can’t be her..there’s no way. damn she’s hot....no. I can’t...she’s my desk mate. She won’t do shit with me.

Hyuck threw some water on his face and walked back into the room where he saw y/n bent over picking up the pencils she dropped. He felt himself become even more hard looking at her behind right in front of him. Hyuck walked closer to y/n as she stood up and turned to face him where they were inches away from each other’s lips.

y/n:...wh--what’s wrong Hyuck.

y/n glancing down to see what was rubbing against her body as she saw how hard Hyuck was. Giving her chills down her back and felt herself become wet as she was being touched by the man of her dreams.

Hyuck: I know you see it...what are you going to do now?

y/n: wh-what do you mean?

Hyuck: you did this to me....

y/n: ..d--do what?

He then grabbed her hand and placed it on his hard member that she caused. y/n became more and more wet with feel of him.

Hyuck: you did this to me...I want you to fix it.

y/n: what do you want me to do?

Hyuck: I want you to ride it so I can fill you up like there’s no tomorrow.

y/n heard those words before...those words that made her feel good. More chills came down her spine....she thought for a moment...is this Haechan? nah that can’t be him.

Hyuck: Wear that pretty robe I gave you.

y/n: huh?

Hyuck glanced over to the robe that draped over her chair...that’s when she knew he was Haechan..

y/n: you’re HaechanTheSun?

Hyuck: why are you so surprised and shy now? so you’re the one I’ve been jerking off to every night...man the things I’d do to that pretty lil pussy of yours.

y/n: I just never thought of you be one of those guys to watch these things.

Hyuck: well now you know...

your body became weak as you fell onto the bed, he could see what it was doing to you and felt the wetness of our core on his thigh as he came closer to you on your bed.

Hyuck: you can tell me to stop if you want...

y/n bit the bottom of her lip and she nodded “no” and pulled him closer to her feeling his hard member against her hot core. Hyuck placing soft kisses on her neck and y/n arched her back at how good everything feels. She can now feel his touch on her and not through a computer screen. Hyuck feeling how wet she was made him harder than he can handle. y/n whispers in his ear...

y/n: I want you inside me Hyuck.

Hyuck:...you don’t have to ask me twice baby...seems like you’re ready for me too. I get to fuck this pretty cunt, be ready because I’m not taking it slow.

As he said that, he slid into her and began to thrust in and out feeling her constricting on his cock.

Hyuck: damn y/n you feel fucken amazing...

y/n: ....don’t stop Hyuck. You feel so fucken good....

He never held back and went in hard making y/n moan turning him on more and more. 

Hyuck: damn baby I finally get to fuck this tight pussy instead of watching you...

y/n: Hyuck I’m almost there---don’t stop

Hyuck: nope not yet baby...

He then pulled out making y/n whimper as he flipped onto his back placing y/n back on his dick...

Hyuck: I want you to ride me until you cum baby..

y/n began grinding on him faster and faster...she could feel her high coming real quick...

y/n:...oh my god I’m gonna....I’m cumming Hyuck.

Hyuck: grind on my dick harder babe....

Seconds after reaching her high and grinding on his dick he came filling her up with his cum. y/n became wobbly and laid on top of Hyuck placing her head on the crook of his neck. Hyuck ran his fingers up and down her back as he became soft in her. Letting her rest on top of him...

Hyuck: damn y/n that was hot...

y/n got off both of them cleaning themselves off. y/n sat on the edge of her bed  with her hands covering her face as she was wearing the robe Hyuck gave her.

Hyuck: what’s wrong?

y/n: ....you know what I do now..

Hyuck: and?

y/n looked up from her hands looking towards Hyuck as she watched him put his clothes back on.

y/n: it doesn’t bother you?

Hyuck: maybe...

y/n: really?

Hyuck: yeah...

y/n had gotten sad because all she could think of is that he hated every bit of it and now that he knows who she was he wanted nothing to do with her.

y/n:...oh ok.

Hyuck:...I don’t want to share you now.

y/n frozen at the edge of her bed by the words he just said. Hyuck walked over to where she was as he stood in front of her. Pulling her chin up for her to look at him. 

Hyuck: I like you y/n

y/n:...you wh--

Hyuck: yeah I like you a lot. After becoming your desk mate and getting to know you, I have a lot of fun with you. But it’s ok if you don’t like me back I still want to hangout with you....

y/n: would you believe me if I told you I liked you before you liked me?

Hyuck: really?

y/n:...yeah. I just never said anything well because you’re Donghyuck the most popular guy in school.

He leaned in to give y/n a kiss on the lips and parted with a smile right after.

Hyuck: so does that mean we are an item now?

y/n shyly nodded yes but then y/n looked down at her lap.

Hyuck: what’s wrong baby?

y/n: I should tell you something too...

Hyuck: what’s up?

y/n: the times I was on live and you were sending those comments to me all I could think about was you. I’d never think HaechanTheSun would be you.

Hyuck: wanna know something?

y/n: yeah?

Hyuck: actually after getting to know you and I’d watch the lives I would think about you all the time. so finally knowing it was you behind that camera was a huge bonus.

y/n giggled...

Hyuck: but I do want to ask...why did you do it? is it because of the money?

y/n scratched the back of her neck...

y/n: well yeah...it’s hard for me to get a job..I mean it’s not I just don’t want my studies to come with me to work.

Hyuck: well I can help you study, but I can’t make promises that I won’t touch you...

Hyuck leaned in and gave y/n another kiss.

Hyuck: well now I can take care of you. and you don’t have to do those cams anymore...b/c that’s only my pussy now and no one elses...

y/n: thank you Haechannie...

Hyuck:...hmm Haechannie...I like that.

After saying that pet name Hyuck pushed y/n back on to the bed ripping the robe off of her once again....

I might do a part 2 to this story but the fluff side of their relationship....

HERE’s PART TWO